A carpenter, a soldier and a preacher

This summer, I went to talk to my preacher.  What the heck, I had tried everything else, a chat with a preacher couldn't hurt.

The last time I talked to a preacher in his office, I got a divorce.  But still, I had tried everything else.

I had no idea when I went that he too had an adopted son that had struggled with substance abuse.  I also didn't know that this son had talents, he was a carpenter.
 
The preacher man told me that while his son had remained sober, he was concerned that his son "did it alone" and had not allowed God in his life.  A little ironic, don't you think?

I have thought about his son for months.  I have a soft spot for carpenters.

Last week, the "button" got a letter from his forever friend.  The letter said, "I don't mean to preach but the only thing getting me through this deployment is God.  If you have the time, I would suggest that you think about letting God in your life."  Pretty powerful suggestion from a young man and I am pretty sure that the "button" has time.

In church on Sunday, the sermon was about temptation.  This even got Walker's attention who said, "this ought to be good."  I had to laugh.

The preacher said, there are three ways to conquer temptation.  1.  "you cannot go temptation alone, you have to have God in your life.  If you have God by your side, you will be able to conquer your temptation's."

I don't know what two and three were.  He had me at number one and I quit listening to him.  I was so preoccupied.

And then, the preacher got my attention.

He told the story that his one son went to visit "the" son.  The son that he will always look in the rear view mirror with, I can relate.

And the visiting son called after the visit to tell his parents about the visit.  And, of course, the preacher asked, "well, how is he?"  The how is he means, "is he sober, is everything okay, do you think is on the right track?"

And the son "yes".  And then the son said,"dad, he has opened his heart up to God."

And my ten year old son looked up to me and said, "see, I told you this was going to be good."

 I have peace in my heart.

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: Prom dates and Forever Friends.

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: Prom dates and Forever Friends.: In kindergarten, I met Darren.  He was also in my first grade class and every single class after kindergarten.  I was "Ba" and he was "Br" s...

Prom dates and Forever Friends.

In kindergarten, I met Darren.  He was also in my first grade class and every single class after kindergarten.  I was "Ba" and he was "Br" so I always sat in front of him.  He lived in our neighborhood and attended our church.  We were confirmed together.  He hunted and fished with my dad and brother.  His sister was my brother's girlfriend for awhile. 

He was the freckled smile every morning of my public education.

When prom time came around our senior year, I didn't have a date. This was no big shocker because I NEVER had a date.  I wouldn't have cared but I had counted the Prom Queen votes and knew that my bff was the Prom Queen and I wanted to be there when she was crowned.

As luck would have it, Darren asked me.  Oh, the romance involved.  It went something like this, "since I don't have a date and since it doesn't look like you are going to get one either, do you want to go to the prom with me?"  Who could refuse the suave invitation?   And so off to the Howard Johnsons in Monroeville we went, in the cool Trans Am.

While others sucked face and fought, we danced.  Later, at the after prom, we rode horses, got bucked from the horses, I fell in the water and a good time was had by all.

Throughout the years, we remained in touch.  I was his date to a formal the day after my 21st birthday.  I felt so bad.  Seriously, I felt so bad.  The worst hangover of my life and I was somebody's date.

A few years ago, Darren and his wife suffered a tragedy.  Their son was killed after returning home from a deployment.  He wrecked on his motorcycle. 

He called me this week.  He told me that after the accident, I had sent him an email and called him my forever friend.  He is.  He printed the email and put it in a coat pocket and forgot about it.  Years went by and the other day he put the coat on it and read the email.

My forever friend called me this weekend.  We talked and chatted and caught up and it was like Monday morning all over again, in the basement of FRHS in Mr. Snyder's home room.  A forever friend.

If you are blessed enough to have one, you know how important they can be.

I have always been a bit concerned that the "button" didn't have enough friends, true friends.  He has plenty of people who want to party with him but nobody who really cared about him.He has always been like a beagle, wave and him and he would play with you, regardless.    And, if he did, he has really damaged his social clout and they are gone.  Hanging with the "button" is a liability now. 

I opened up my email the other day, and there it was, a letter to the "button."

"Hey bro, it is my Formy.  I am out here in Oklahoma, a medic in the army.  We ship out Friday for a combat tour.  I'm nervous man, but everything will be okay.  I want to chill with you when I get back from down range.  I love you bro, I call your mom often to check up on ya.  I miss chilling after school, in marine science, just having fun.  I have your address so I am going to write to you while I am gone.  Be safe, smart.  I miss you man.  I love you.  You are one the best friend's I have and you are like family to me.  I love you."

So this young man is about to deploy  and he cares enough to send this letter.  This is a forever friend.  I sent this off to the "button".  He was moved. 

It is funny how God puts people together and where and how they mesh in each other's lives.  I am so aware of how blessed I am to have a freckly faced, cowlick, hunting and fishing forever friend.  And I hope that if you don't have one, you find one. 

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: Last night at dinner and Lance.

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: Last night at dinner and Lance.: As of late, my little Walker has been turning into a "boy".  He is the ESPN junkie, he wants to pick out his clothes and he has pretty concr...

Last night at dinner and Lance.

As of late, my little Walker has been turning into a "boy".  He is the ESPN junkie, he wants to pick out his clothes and he has pretty concrete opinions.

It is fun to watch him grow and mature. 

I have stared at my ceiling at night and thought about when he makes one of those bad decisions as a teenagers and how I would need to handle it in the Anasazi way.  He is getting older.  It makes me sad.


Last night at dinner, several things happened.  It was just Franklin, Walker and me.  Walker was eager to take the focus from hm and the note that his teacher sent home and so he graciously passed it to Lance Armstrong.

"All the news is about Lance Armstrong and how he doped and how he lied."

That was all I needed.  I was like a shark with a bucket of chum.  And I went for it and I was ferocious.

"Really?  Do you understand that drugs, and lying about the drugs, ruined him?  He lost his sponsors, he cannot race again and he said that the worse thing was telling his kids that he lied.  Really, that was what he thought was so hard?  Telling his kids?????? What a jerk!  How about the worst thing is that his kids have to LIVE with this and what he did.  And then, how about how he bullied people?  How about how he sued newspapers because they spoke the truth, how about how he ruined a friendship and his friend and touring partner lost money and had to quit the team because Lance was relentless in the way the treated them when they were truthful."

"See Walker, see what illegal narcotics can do to a person?" 

I over reacted something I swore I would quit doing.  But, I did over react.

He looked across the table from me and said, "I get it MOM." 

I got up and left.  I did the easy pass off to the dad.  I sat in the living room and listened to Franklin and Walker discussing the "whole Lance Armstrong thing".

I just made me so sad.  Another group of lives ruined over illegal narcotics.  And now this family of affected people will be left to clean up and move on and the illegal narcotic will move to a different address. 

Drugs, lies, and broken hearts and shattered dreams to the next household.  It seems that the drugs win.

After Franklin and Walker were finished, Walker did a stand up job cleaning the kitchen.  Amazing what a kid will do after a letter from a teacher.

Franklin came to tell me to inspect and to "remember to praise him."

When I went into the kitchen, Walker was bending over with the dustpan as I started my praises.

In the middle of the praising, Walker, still bent over, passed gas.  The praising was over and he was once again, a little boy again.

I will not allow drugs to come and knock on my door again.  I simply cannot.  But I must learn that I have to remain calm.

In a letter to the "button" today, I wrote and told him about the Lance Armstrong situation.  I explained to him that when you LIVESTRONG, you live without drugs and alcohol.  You live your life but you do not live your live with drugs.  Living with drugs is a sign of weakness, not strength.


Maybe I should get him a LIVESTRONG bracelet to replace his summer camp bracelet . Bet they are cheap now.  If anything, that LIVESTRONG bracelet would be a reminder that a yellow bracelet is better than an orange bracelet that lists his inmate number. 

Also in my letter, I told him how Lance said it was hard to tell his kids.  It wasn't hard for him to continue to live with lies and not stop drugging, it was hard to tell his kids.  But what he didn't say was how he will never understand how hard it is for his kids to live with what he has done.  I hope the "button" gets the parallel.

I thought about all the lies and the covering up Lance had to do over the last few years.  And I thought about how it seems like because he sat on a couch with Oprah and finally told one truth that it seemed like we were all supposed to forgive and move on because that is what Lance wanted to do.

It is easier to move on and forgive and find grace in mistakes.  It is.  But it is also easier to LIVESTRONG on a daily basis by being honest with yourself, and with others. You can beat cancer but you cannot beat the illegal doping? Strange.

I thought about the moment when Lance decided, that even though it was wrong, and could cost him everything, that he decided, "what the hell, they all are doing it" and what that was like.

I also wondered what that moment was like when he decided to come clean and what that felt like.  It was probably close to understanding what it feels like to admit that you just over reacted. 

And I wondered about what it will be like when Walker gives up his bike and gets a car and what he will be like as a teenager.  And I thought that when I buy the "button" that bright yellow bracelet that I should probably get myself one too.  I will need to LIVESTRONG .

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: turn on 90.1

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: turn on 90.1: This morning, I had just gotten in the car for the work commute when my phone lit up.  It was a friend and a co-worker. "Turn on 90.1, now...

turn on 90.1

This morning, I had just gotten in the car for the work commute when my phone lit up.  It was a friend and a co-worker.

"Turn on 90.1, now."

And I did.

Before 7:32 am I felt like my heart had been thrown in the garbage disposal.

On this radio program were three parents, all of whom had biological and adopted children.

There, I wrote it.  Adopted.  I have so wanted to stay away from this word, this label, this topic. 

Except for the few nights where I have gone absolutely crazy with a few close friends over adoptions.

I listened to three parents spill their guts and speak honestly and openly about their adoption experiences.  My favorite line from the panel was "be prepared to be absolutely exhausted."  Truer words were never spoken.

And yet, I could empathize with them.  And there were two questions to the panel that I needed to share.

I have had several people ask me (and yes, I was totally blown away), "do you regret adopting the button?"  Okay, really?  My friend adopted a dog last year at Christmas.  Simon is a nightmare.  But, the owner decided to send him away to doggie school instead of giving him back or dropping him on the side of the road.  She regretted Simon's peeing all over the carpet but she chose to help Simon.

My son is my child.  Do I regret it?  Hell no!  Do I wish he would have made better choices, hell yes!  Everyday.
But, the net gain for my entire family, despite the wild ride, has been a positive gain.  Adoption doesn't come with return options.

And this question was asked of the panel, do you regret your decision to adopt?  They all said no, they hesitated but they said no.  There are lessons gained from all experiences and all experiences mold your life.


One of the panelist also said, it may take years for a parent to feel and experience the seeds of greatness in  the child.  Some kids just have a slower growing cycle.

"What is the most important thing that you have learned from adopting?"

The most important thing about the panel was this, "loving is a choice."  You can choose to love someone.  You can choose not to love someone.  You can choose to help someone or not help someone.  You choose.

Adopted kids know one thing, it doesn't mean anything to them when you SAY that you love them.  What matters is what you do and how you do it.  Love is a choice.  Hate is a choice.  Love is a verb.  Verb means Action word.  When you love, you do whatever you can whenever you can.

I needed to hear this panel.  My views about adoption have been a little tainted lately.


I heard the one parent say that the most important injustice to these adopted kids is not abuse, fetal alcohol syndrome, drug addiction or substance abuse, not even neglect, it is abandonment.  Abandonment.  It is when we feel that there is nothing left, nobody there to help that we reach rock bottom and totally feel alone.  Abandonment is the key ingredient in adopted kids.  In the early years, we sooooooooooooooooo experienced this.

I am certainly not ignorant enough to think that abandonment is the reason for my son's behavior. 

It did hit me though that when the "button" realized that he drastically altered he relationship with us, he discovered that had abandoned us.

The saddest moment of divorce is when you realize that you will be alone. 

I did a little research on this topic and panel later today.  The very sad thing in all of this, foster children are on the rise.  Why?  Parents with substance abuse are reproducing and choosing drugs over their own kids.  It is becoming a bigger problem.  More and more kids are being abandoned, feeling not worthy because their parents abandoned them.

Again, drugs and alcohol are the root of this evil problem. 

And the kids are the recipients.