Last night at dinner and Lance.

As of late, my little Walker has been turning into a "boy".  He is the ESPN junkie, he wants to pick out his clothes and he has pretty concrete opinions.

It is fun to watch him grow and mature. 

I have stared at my ceiling at night and thought about when he makes one of those bad decisions as a teenagers and how I would need to handle it in the Anasazi way.  He is getting older.  It makes me sad.


Last night at dinner, several things happened.  It was just Franklin, Walker and me.  Walker was eager to take the focus from hm and the note that his teacher sent home and so he graciously passed it to Lance Armstrong.

"All the news is about Lance Armstrong and how he doped and how he lied."

That was all I needed.  I was like a shark with a bucket of chum.  And I went for it and I was ferocious.

"Really?  Do you understand that drugs, and lying about the drugs, ruined him?  He lost his sponsors, he cannot race again and he said that the worse thing was telling his kids that he lied.  Really, that was what he thought was so hard?  Telling his kids?????? What a jerk!  How about the worst thing is that his kids have to LIVE with this and what he did.  And then, how about how he bullied people?  How about how he sued newspapers because they spoke the truth, how about how he ruined a friendship and his friend and touring partner lost money and had to quit the team because Lance was relentless in the way the treated them when they were truthful."

"See Walker, see what illegal narcotics can do to a person?" 

I over reacted something I swore I would quit doing.  But, I did over react.

He looked across the table from me and said, "I get it MOM." 

I got up and left.  I did the easy pass off to the dad.  I sat in the living room and listened to Franklin and Walker discussing the "whole Lance Armstrong thing".

I just made me so sad.  Another group of lives ruined over illegal narcotics.  And now this family of affected people will be left to clean up and move on and the illegal narcotic will move to a different address. 

Drugs, lies, and broken hearts and shattered dreams to the next household.  It seems that the drugs win.

After Franklin and Walker were finished, Walker did a stand up job cleaning the kitchen.  Amazing what a kid will do after a letter from a teacher.

Franklin came to tell me to inspect and to "remember to praise him."

When I went into the kitchen, Walker was bending over with the dustpan as I started my praises.

In the middle of the praising, Walker, still bent over, passed gas.  The praising was over and he was once again, a little boy again.

I will not allow drugs to come and knock on my door again.  I simply cannot.  But I must learn that I have to remain calm.

In a letter to the "button" today, I wrote and told him about the Lance Armstrong situation.  I explained to him that when you LIVESTRONG, you live without drugs and alcohol.  You live your life but you do not live your live with drugs.  Living with drugs is a sign of weakness, not strength.


Maybe I should get him a LIVESTRONG bracelet to replace his summer camp bracelet . Bet they are cheap now.  If anything, that LIVESTRONG bracelet would be a reminder that a yellow bracelet is better than an orange bracelet that lists his inmate number. 

Also in my letter, I told him how Lance said it was hard to tell his kids.  It wasn't hard for him to continue to live with lies and not stop drugging, it was hard to tell his kids.  But what he didn't say was how he will never understand how hard it is for his kids to live with what he has done.  I hope the "button" gets the parallel.

I thought about all the lies and the covering up Lance had to do over the last few years.  And I thought about how it seems like because he sat on a couch with Oprah and finally told one truth that it seemed like we were all supposed to forgive and move on because that is what Lance wanted to do.

It is easier to move on and forgive and find grace in mistakes.  It is.  But it is also easier to LIVESTRONG on a daily basis by being honest with yourself, and with others. You can beat cancer but you cannot beat the illegal doping? Strange.

I thought about the moment when Lance decided, that even though it was wrong, and could cost him everything, that he decided, "what the hell, they all are doing it" and what that was like.

I also wondered what that moment was like when he decided to come clean and what that felt like.  It was probably close to understanding what it feels like to admit that you just over reacted. 

And I wondered about what it will be like when Walker gives up his bike and gets a car and what he will be like as a teenager.  And I thought that when I buy the "button" that bright yellow bracelet that I should probably get myself one too.  I will need to LIVESTRONG .