turn on 90.1

This morning, I had just gotten in the car for the work commute when my phone lit up.  It was a friend and a co-worker.

"Turn on 90.1, now."

And I did.

Before 7:32 am I felt like my heart had been thrown in the garbage disposal.

On this radio program were three parents, all of whom had biological and adopted children.

There, I wrote it.  Adopted.  I have so wanted to stay away from this word, this label, this topic. 

Except for the few nights where I have gone absolutely crazy with a few close friends over adoptions.

I listened to three parents spill their guts and speak honestly and openly about their adoption experiences.  My favorite line from the panel was "be prepared to be absolutely exhausted."  Truer words were never spoken.

And yet, I could empathize with them.  And there were two questions to the panel that I needed to share.

I have had several people ask me (and yes, I was totally blown away), "do you regret adopting the button?"  Okay, really?  My friend adopted a dog last year at Christmas.  Simon is a nightmare.  But, the owner decided to send him away to doggie school instead of giving him back or dropping him on the side of the road.  She regretted Simon's peeing all over the carpet but she chose to help Simon.

My son is my child.  Do I regret it?  Hell no!  Do I wish he would have made better choices, hell yes!  Everyday.
But, the net gain for my entire family, despite the wild ride, has been a positive gain.  Adoption doesn't come with return options.

And this question was asked of the panel, do you regret your decision to adopt?  They all said no, they hesitated but they said no.  There are lessons gained from all experiences and all experiences mold your life.


One of the panelist also said, it may take years for a parent to feel and experience the seeds of greatness in  the child.  Some kids just have a slower growing cycle.

"What is the most important thing that you have learned from adopting?"

The most important thing about the panel was this, "loving is a choice."  You can choose to love someone.  You can choose not to love someone.  You can choose to help someone or not help someone.  You choose.

Adopted kids know one thing, it doesn't mean anything to them when you SAY that you love them.  What matters is what you do and how you do it.  Love is a choice.  Hate is a choice.  Love is a verb.  Verb means Action word.  When you love, you do whatever you can whenever you can.

I needed to hear this panel.  My views about adoption have been a little tainted lately.


I heard the one parent say that the most important injustice to these adopted kids is not abuse, fetal alcohol syndrome, drug addiction or substance abuse, not even neglect, it is abandonment.  Abandonment.  It is when we feel that there is nothing left, nobody there to help that we reach rock bottom and totally feel alone.  Abandonment is the key ingredient in adopted kids.  In the early years, we sooooooooooooooooo experienced this.

I am certainly not ignorant enough to think that abandonment is the reason for my son's behavior. 

It did hit me though that when the "button" realized that he drastically altered he relationship with us, he discovered that had abandoned us.

The saddest moment of divorce is when you realize that you will be alone. 

I did a little research on this topic and panel later today.  The very sad thing in all of this, foster children are on the rise.  Why?  Parents with substance abuse are reproducing and choosing drugs over their own kids.  It is becoming a bigger problem.  More and more kids are being abandoned, feeling not worthy because their parents abandoned them.

Again, drugs and alcohol are the root of this evil problem. 

And the kids are the recipients.