it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: The Invisible String

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: The Invisible String: When I a young girl, I wanted to be a librarian or a walking mailman.  I loved the  Book Mobile.  I loved the lady in the Book Mobile. In ...

The Invisible String

When I a young girl, I wanted to be a librarian or a walking mailman.  I loved the  Book Mobile.  I loved the lady in the Book Mobile.

In middle school, we had a library.  A real library.  I got to be a library aide.  I was hooked.  

In college, I actually went to the library.  It was beautiful.  I took library science first semester of freshman year in college.   Thank goodness.  It saved my GPA.

And then I found out how much librarians actually earned.

The other day I attended a Celebration of Life for my friend's mom.  A librarian.

First, let's skip this "celebration of life" thing...let's just put the fun back in" fun"eral.  When I hear "Celebration of Life" it is code for "going to bawl my eyes out."

The lady of the day was a librarian.  I immediately noticed in the program that there was going to be a "special reading" by my friend.  I was intrigued.

Months ago, I was watching morning television, and the hostess said that she was shopping at Barnes and Noble and saw a book, The Invisible String.  She said that she bought the  book and she will only ever buy this book for baby gifts.  I googled the  book.  Loved it.

So my friend stands up and greets the guests.  She explains that whenever your mom is a librarian, you get books for Christmas.  With a handwritten note inside.  This past Christmas was not any different.
She announced the title of  the book that she received this past Christmas, The Invisible String.  As soon as she said that, I gasped.

And with all the poise of a Miss Universe, She began to read The Invisible String.

The Invisible String is about a mother's love.  Wherever you are, regardless of where your mom is, you will be loved.  Your mom's love is wherever you are...wherever you go. The Invisible String is ALWAYS with you from your mom.  Her love is everywhere.

As I sat there with my tears streaming down my face, I was smacked in the heart with the reality of how grand this gift was for so many years and for so many reasons.

Imagine a mother, not sure of her well being or her mortality purchasing this book for her children.  What a farewell gift.  Amazing.  And I really think that this lady knew it was going to be the last book she ever presented them at Christmas.  All the secret ingredients added up.

The "Celebration of Life" stayed in my heart all weekend.  

I can just imagine how many times my friend lightly touched that book and the personal note inside.  And smiled and cried when she touched the cover of the book.

I feel my mamaw at least once a day, usually in the kitchen.  My great grandma, in my garden.  My grandpa at the Tastee Freeze and my mom everywhere.  

My girlfriend collects coins that her son sends her from heaven, placed on the ground for her by his invisible string.

Lately, as I ponder my life, I have been astounded by the people who been placed in my life and those that have been pulled out.  All by the invisible string.  I am also amazed how you meet someone and years later you realize why they there placed in your life, almost like they were put there by the invisible string.  

Right now, I know a woman fighting for her life.  She is in a coma.  When her sisters come into the room and  speak to her, her heart rate goes up.  She knows her sisters are there.  The Invisible String.  

Every where we go, for the rest of our lives we are connected by Invisible Strings to those we love.  

Go Celebrate your life and those that are wrapped in your invisible string.

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: 21 st Birthday Pay Backs

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: 21 st Birthday Pay Backs: It has been 32 years since I turned 21 and there is still a debate between me and my mom over the birthday events. My 21st birthday was...

21 st Birthday Pay Backs

It has been 32 years since I turned 21 and there is still a debate between me and my mom over the birthday events.


My 21st birthday was on a Friday, April Fools day and the last day of classes until after the spring break.  And it was a lovely spring day in Morgantown, West Virginia. 




Sounds like all of the ingredients for a fabulous 21st birthday.  


It was.

Watermelon shooters at the Dungeon.  Long Island Iced Teas as well.  And all was well.

Until I went home to my apartment.

When I got to my street, in my birthday stupor, I saw it.  My mom's car.  

OMG!  My mom doesn't drink and would not appreciate the April Foolery.

We opened the door and there THEY were.  My mom and my grandparents.  The only person missing was Mother Theresa.  It couldn't have been any worse.  And my mom was pissed.

The debate will always be the time she told me she was going to pick me up for break.  I can tell you, I would have found a way to get out of the Friday/birthday pick up.  

Apparently, my mom says I was supposed to be there at six.  I think it was nine when we showed up. 

The good news is, I passed out on the hour and half ride home.  There is a God.

When I got home, Crazy Russell came out to the car, carried me inside the house over his shoulder and threw me in the shower.  I remember this vividly.

After a shower, I went downstairs to blow out candles.  In the spirit of April Fools, my name was spelled backwards on the cake.  I know because I announced this about 52 times before I blew out my candles.  

It was horrible.  They put me to bed.

The next morning, still furious, my mom woke me up at five am.  And I wasn't allowed to have anything to drink.  

She woke me up to do my laundry before I had to drive to State College for a formal with Prom Date.  

Important to know, we had a wringer washing machine.  So, I stood there, washing and swishing, and watching that water roll. OMG, so hung over.  The hangover that is never going away until you got to bed and get up the next day.  

I showered and left to go to State College.  My mom sent me with the exact amount of gas money.  No fluff.  No large diet Coke.  No cheeseburger.

Good Bless Prom Date.  He let me take a nap before the formal.  I almost threw up when he handed me a beer at the formal.

After I got home the next day, Crazy Russell took me to the White Valley Club and made me belly up to the bar.  It was a two day hangover.  He ordered for me.  A shot of whiskey.  I have never had whiskey before then or after.  He made me do the shot.  He was furious and gave me a very brief lecture.  It went something like this, "do anything like that again, and I will rip your tongue out and bury it in dog crap."

I still do not think my mom EVER told me that she was coming to get me that afternoon.

The "button" turned 21 a week ago.

He lived to tell about it. I was hoping that he would have gone to the library that day and researched world peace but that was not the route he took.  Beers before noon and then dinner.

And he himself said, "he blew his own milestone." 

When my grandmother was living and we would go to a wedding, and she was certain the bride shouldn't have been wearing white, she would always say, "the only thing new here today is the cake."

The only thing new last week was the cake. And I just couldn't be joyous.

I would love the think to think that turning 21 would not be about the booze and the freedom to drink but it was when i was 21 and I am sure that it will not change.

And now my son is a "grown ass man".  A term that is a result of a number and sadly not what has been accomplished or contributed.

Typically, birthdays are a big deal in our house.  I just couldn't do it.  His cards are still on the table.  It is his first birthday in three years that he didn't wear orange.And we didn't celebrate Just couldn't feel it.  We did speak and we are speaking.  A step. That is something to celebrate.

My 21st birthday payback.  

Alcohol can have a numbing effect on you, even if you are not drinking it.

And so it goes.  

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: My Mother's Day Wish.

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: My Mother's Day Wish.: Lately, I have been obsessed with mortality, mine to be specific.  It must be age.  My bff is too. She recently asked her two 20 something...

My Mother's Day Wish.

Lately, I have been obsessed with mortality, mine to be specific.  It must be age.  My bff is too.

She recently asked her two 20 something daughters, "Will you miss me when I am gone?".

More than death, I have been obsessing with what I will leave behind, my legacy and what will my children take from me and into their lives.

One day in the car, I mentally and then verbally made my list.

So, in honor of Mother' Day...here is my  last will and testament.

Dear "button", Walker and Addie,

I am your mom.  I will always be your mom.  Until you die, I am your mom.  I gave you life. I took that gift seriously.  I did not want to be your friend, I have plenty of those, I wanted to be your mom.  It was the most important thing I ever signed up for.

What I want you to know is that while I was your mom, I was also a person. I had thoughts and feelings and goals.  Sometimes you just thought  I was in "a bad mood" or " not feeling you."  I  wasn't.  I was juggling.  Alot.  Work, a home, three kids, activities, meals, laundry, carpooling...life. Life is not always easy.

During all these years of crazy moments, I did my best to lead by example. You may have missed or don't remember some of what I wanted to teach you, so here goes.  This is what I want you to take with you the rest of your life.

1.  Lead by example.

2.  Be a part of something.  Belong to a team, a civic organization, a volunteer group, something.  Stand for something.  You will learn new things, you will meet new people and when you stand for something, you won't fall for just anything.  Love a team. 

3.  It doesn't matter how expensive your clothes are, if you have nasty gums and dirty teeth, nobody will look at your outfit.  Go to the dentist on a regular basis.  A teeth cleaning is always cheaper and less painful than a cavity.

4.  Change your oil regularly.

5.  If you take something from the earth, replace times 2.  Plant trees and flowers.  Respect nature.  Jump in leaves, smell the flowers, watch thunderstorms, love the moon, admire sunsets.  Take time to be with nature. 

6.  Sometimes you speak the loudest when you say nothing at all.

7.  Mail cards, remember birthdays and write handwritten thank yous.  Text and email greetings do not count, ever.

8.  Some things need to be done in person.  Not in text messages or on social media.  You don't break up, ask out, announce pregnancies, weddings or anything personally important or meaningful via text messages or facebook first.  Tell the most important people first, in person or via the phone and then proceed.  Also, pick up the phone and have conversations with people.  Have a greater relationship with phone than a monitor or texting fingers.

9.  Learn to make one special meal, one special dessert and offer it graciously.

10.  The best memories you will ever have will never involve something expensive.  Make memories.  Materialistic things are just things.  Make memories.

11.  Have a handful of fabulous friends that you would walk through fire for...they will do the same for you.  If you wouldn't walk through fire for someone, don't expect them to do the same for you.

12.  I love a glass of wine.  With great company.  I have laughed loudly during those moments.  I have had too much to drink on occasions.  I never missed a day of work because of it, never drove during that time and never shrugged my responsibilities either.  I am just a human being.  I never ended up on Instagram, Facebook, You tube or whatever doing anything totally inappropriate or outrageous... "just saying."  You might want to think about that... If you are going to "live it up one night", remember that you need to get up in the morning.  "If you hoot with the owl at night, soar with the eagles in the morning."

13.  Some days, I doubted myself.  I wondered if was a good mother, wife and person.  It is okay to doubt yourself sometimes.  It makes you do better or try harder.  If you do doubt yourself on a regular basis, chances are there are somethings you need to focus on.

14.  Do the right thing as often as possible.  It is not always easy, a lot of times it will pain you, but you will never regret it, EVER.

15.  When there are fund raising bake sales, buy something.  You never know when and if you are the person people are raising monies.  Do it. 

16.  Forgiveness is a wonderful thing.  Forgive.  Sometimes there are real doozies out there but  99% of the time, forgive.

17.  Be Naturally curious.  Wonder and ask why things are they way they are.  Investigate.  Explore.  Investigate your children  Not because you are nosey but because it is your job.

18.  Sing along with the radio in your car.  It will put you in a good mood.  Crank it up.  Know a show tune, at least one. 


17.  Laugh.  Laugh hard and laugh often.  Laugh as much as you can.  It is okay to pee your pants laughing.  Laugh.

18.  Clean your fridge, wash your sheets, and buy good shoes and bras.  Too much makeup ages you.  When in doubt, bathe. If you think you stink, you do.

19.  Respect and appreciate anything that is handmade, even if you think it is ugly.  Learn to do one thing with your hands.  Take care of anything handmade.  Once you make something, this will mean so much more.

20.  Have your passport stamped at least twice before you get married and have kids.  Go on vacations without your kids.  Your kids are not ready for Disney if they still take naps, sit in a stroller or need help going to the bathroom.

21.  The biggest and most important decision you will ever make will be your spouse.  They will make or break you.  Take your time.  Be fussy.  Remember, what you like about them now, will be what you hate about them later.  If they do not have a great relationship with their parents, run, don't walk away from them.  If they are sick, spend time with them.  If you still like them afterward, you might have a shot.  Picture them old and wrinkly.  Picture them bald or with saggy arms.  Think about what you have in common now and what you will have in common then.

22. It is okay to feel let down or like you failed.  You are going to fail.  But, failure is only ever temporary if get back up and go for it.  Sometimes the biggest failures lead to the greatest successes.  It is okay.

23.  Older people are smarter and wiser.  The sooner you get this, the easier your life will become.  Be kind to old people.  You will be one before you know it.

24.  Collect something.  Learn about it.  Treasure what you collect.

25.  If you believe in something and are passionate about it, go for it.  Let the world know.

26.  Doesn't matter what app you have or what electronic device you own, some of the best time you will ever spend will be spent with a book, a real live book that has a cover, a smell and bent back pages.  Love to read.

27.  Nobody is perfect.  Mistakes happen.  Clean them up.  You are never measured by the mistakes you make, only how you clean them up.

28.  Vote.

29.  The more energy you give something, positive or negative, the bigger it becomes.  If it is negative, chop it at the knees.  If it is positive, feed it.

29..  Have a relationship with God.  Speak to him daily.  Pay attention to His miracles and give Him thanks.

Being a parent is not easy.  It is not always fun.  It is often hilarious.  You will never understand until you become one.  Then, and only then will you get it.  You will learn to sacrifice without hesitation.  You will learn to love like you never knew possible.  And you will do, learn and grow for that child. 

You may think that I wasn't always the best mother.  Or that I loved one more than the other, I loved you all differently, because you were different people. 

The most important thing that I want you to know, I loved you with all that I had and with all that I was...and being your mother was my greatest joy.  The three of you were my anchor, my inner core, my being.  You may not have had the best of everything or anything but every single day of my life, when my eyes opened, I was keenly aware that I had to give you the best of myself that day, until your eyes closed.  I loved you when you were happy, I loved you when you puked on me.  I loved you when you failed miserably and I loved you when you succeeded and shined.  I loved you when you smiled and I loved you when you cried.  I loved you when your were bleeding and my heart bled when you were hurting.  I loved you when you felt that nobody else did and I loved you ran you left the house to be with friends.  I loved you when you told me that you hated me, then I knew I was doing a good job.  I loved you when you had boyfriend and girlfriends, even though it jarred my heart. 

I loved you the moment I met you and every second in between.

Being your mother was the greatest joy of my life.

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: Lemons and Lemonade

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: Lemons and Lemonade: We have all heard the expression, "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade."  So easy to say, so very hard to do. Last week...

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: Lemons and Lemonade

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: Lemons and Lemonade: We have all heard the expression, "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade."  So easy to say, so very hard to do. Last week...

Lemons and Lemonade

We have all heard the expression, "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade." 

So easy to say, so very hard to do.

Last week, it was DARE Graduation at Addie's school.   I love DARE.  I couldn't wait to attend.  There is always a speaker.  I was looking forward to it.

When the Officer introduced the speaker, my heart raced.  The speaker was a mother I have been following.  I never knew I would get to meet her.  There she was speaking a few rows in front of me.  I knew her story but I was anxious to hear her message.

She started off with the "usual" drug facts.  And then, she laid it out there.  She told her story to a gym full of kids and parents with passion and composure.  Strength and love.  She told her about her new life.  Her 16 year old daughter died as a result of prescription drug abuse and her son found his sister in the pool. 

But that wasn't all.  That wasn't what moved me.  It was her life afterward that astounded me.  She took it to the next level.  She had the person who sold the drugs arrested and she started a new cause and she is taking that cause to Washington, D.C. 

She took her lemons, wrapped them up with love and strength and a will to bring meaning to her daughter's life and death and is marching to Washington, D.C.

The last time two mother's showed up on the Capitol in that frame of mind, the drinking age was raised to 21 and Mother Against Drunk Driving became a household name.

One of my dearest friends, C, became pregnant the same time I did.  Neither knew what we were having.  It was her first, my last.  We both had daughters, 2 weeks apart and 2 pounds apart.  Her sweet daughter drowned at 22 months. 

Again, it was not the lemons that defined her, it was the lemonade. 

Next week, she is hosting, a major Faith based weekend for women.   She has felt the need in her heart to help heal others.  She dreamed it, is executing it and is going to live it. Again, lemonade.

My prom date and his wife have also astounded me.  Their son, on a vacation after active duty deployment, was killed on a motorcycle in Hawaii.  They tucked their broken hearts under a carpenter's belt and built a home for Veteran's.

I cannot think of a greater memory and gift.

Last year, a young boy in our community died in a skateboarding accident.  As sad as this accident has been, the love and joy that has also filled our community has been astounding.  People from all over have joined the cause to "Do it for Drew".  Instead of grieving together, we have celebrated life, his life, the purpose of life and moving forward.

I didn't realize until I was reading over this post, that all of the above have a common denominator.  When the most horrific thing that can happen to parents happened, these people made a difference.  They looked at those lemons and said "not in my world, not happening, I am making lemonade."  And in the darkest of moments, the saddest of hearts, they vowed to make a difference.  To offer Grace and kindness and defining moments in their worst period of your life is the greatest testimony of the human spirit.  Lemonade Supreme.

In April, when the stabbing incident happened at my former high school, hours after the incident at Franklin Regional High School, the conversation became, "what can we do to help?"  I am not familiar with the proper behavior after a stabbing incident at a high school and neither were most people.  What happened in the hours and the weeks afterward in Murrsyville, Pa would have moved ANYONE. The coming together of hearts, minds, souls and spirits to rally as one, to rebuild a community that was shattered was unprecedented.  It has been amazing, the monies raised, the cards sent, the prayers and the support for the accused and his family.  Amazing.

I overheard someone say today, "why is there so much negativity in the world today?"

Even a seed is whole when planted, then, it breaks.  The seed has to break before it can sprout life.  And then, the sprout reaches through the ground and grows.  Lemon Trees, lovely Lemon Trees.

Drink up, glasses of ice cold lemonade for everyone.