the story of kids,chaos, mothering challenges and sometimes chocolate
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: A Final letter to Summer Camp
it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: A Final letter to Summer Camp: Dear Son, This is the last letter you will receive in summer camp, EVER. I know you will never be back. I think the place has worn out...
A Final letter to Summer Camp
Dear Son,
This is the last letter you will receive in summer camp, EVER. I know you will never be back. I think the place has worn out it's welcome with you. Beside that, the food sucks.
And there is excitement in this letter. You are about to embark on a new and exciting adventure, Adulthood. You have wanted to enter for a while and my son, the wait is about to be over.
I am excited because you are about to go get a summer job. It will no doubt be lousy and you will complain but come payday, you will smile.
And then we will pack up new sheets, blankets and towels and you will be on your way to school. New friends, new surroundings, new opportunities and a lifetime of memories.
It is here. And we have all gone through hell getting here, haven't we?
As we said before, it was meant to be. It had to happen. I don't know why we were picked but we were. And, it is what it is. God's will.
There have been many blessings out of this whole ordeal. And some lessons.
I looked forward to our visits. I saw you grow up during this last extended stay at summer camp. We spoke, just you and I, without interruptions, cell phones, etc. We speed dated. I learned about you and I hope that you learned something about me. I learned to value my time with you.
I looked forward to listening to you.
I am grateful that we, as a family, have been given a second chance. Not everyone gets one of those. I am grateful that you have found love in your heart for your dad and your siblings.
I have learned that I need to react less, yell less and love more.
When I met your dad, he was on easy street. He had just himself to take care of, Nichole and Rachel were grown. He was not married and had it made. He took me to your Aunt Judy's for Thanksgiving and there you were. Tiny, hillbilly and full of energy. You sat on my lap and I pretended I was Santa Claus as we looked through the Toys r Us catalogue. The only thing you wanted was a Buzz Light year doll. I was hooked.
It always amazed me that your dad wanted to start over. But he did. And we did it together. We were going to elope on New Year's eve at the Gazebo in the Battery of Charleston. We got you on December 16 and we just said, "Plan B". WE never looked back. Not for a second.
WE loved you like a love that I did not know existed. And maybe that he is why he wanted to start over with you, he knew what that love felt like when you had a child.
No, your dad is not perfect. Neither am I. Neither are you. WE have all had our moments.
The one thing that I am sure of, for two years, I had a feeling in my gut that was "off". I know that the reason I said and did some of the things I did because I knew something was off. When your dad and I drove home that night from states, I was crying. Not because of second place, but because I knew the ride was about to begin. I could feel it in my gut and I was scared to death. Not because of attorneys or summer camp but I was afraid you would die and we would bury you. I was sure of it. I showed up at that one party that night scared to death that I would find you dead in Wyatt's house. And that fear never left. The uneasiness never left. Your dad and I would take turns driving around that island searching for you just because we were afraid you were gone.
When I got the call a month ago, about Brian, I started to spiral out of control. It all came back. I knew how close I had been and now here it was within the family and it just made me consumed all over again.
When you have a child, you can purchase all kinds of books about ear aches, allergies, hyper activity but there are not books about "my kid is gone, he is smoking weed and I have no idea where he is". Many nights I would be awake in the middle of the night just thinking and your dad would whisper, "are you up?" The answer was always yes.
As my mom told me, you will NEVER understand what this is like until you have a child of your own. Only then will you understand the love that comes. It is amazing.
And now, we have reached the point where you will be coming home again, a place that should give you peace and not unrest.
Things are different. You are different. Your dad and I are different. As much as I would like to think that if I say "don't" then you "won't", I know that is not the case.
This is your life.
I know there are seeds of greatness in you. Those seeds and those memories are the only thing that have kept your dad and I going. Your siblings too. We know you have it in you. We know you want to do it. We know you can. And we will help you. We will help you if you come to us and you are honest with us. It won't be easy. Adulthood sucks;. It is hard. But I am pretty sure that your dad and I have proven to you that we are there for you, as long as you are honest and authentic. Don't be afraid to fail. You will not. Things may go differently than you expect, but that doesn't mean you failed.
There are special things that when I am reminded of them, I want to pick you up and lift you into a successful life. It is not my life and that is not how it works. I think about you at Halloween, every time I look at milk or a kiwi or a snickers. When the Titanic is on the only thing I think of is "ice burg, ice burg, straight ahead". I bought Walker duck tape today and thought of you. Nobody can do with duck tape what you can do. Soft shirts and boxers. Chocolate covered pretzels. The cooking channel aka porn for wrestlers. Rudolph. When you were little on Saturday morning you would always ask "do we have to leave the house today?" If I said no, you had an "outfit" on and I didn't see you again until lunch time. Tom Hanks and Castaway. You. I just think of you. And I miss you. I miss you running up and then running down the steps. I miss you calling me mom. I miss you saying thank you when I would come home with a bag of stuff for you.
And despite the hell, the past two years has made me a better person. I am forgiving. I am less judgmental. I look at things in a totally different way. I think more before I speak. I listen more. I understand more. I try not to fly off the handle as much and that is hard for me. So, I ask for help. Help is cool. Help has saved me.
Throughout this situation, your dad and I have been united. Not always speaking to one another, but united. When he was up, I was down. And vise versa. Never did we have a bad day on the same day. We helped one another. We didn't pass judgment. We helped. It was kind of cool. Help is cool. I know you love to help others, so accept help from others. It is a gift.
Your siblings are older and wiser and educated. And they are the two most forgiving people ever. With those two and your dad and I, you have a base to help you succeed.
We are not purposely sending you far away to send you far away. You need a do over. A giant do over. And it is best to do over where nobody knows your name. Trust me, I did it. Greenville, SC baby. And my life took a huge turn, for the better.
Be the authentic you. Be the real and genuine you. The authentic you is the you we all love.
There is not a morning or a night time in the past two years that you were not my first or my last thought of the day. That is love. We have had time to heal, grow, learn and forgive. WE have served our time too.
Yes, you may have missed out on so many things. But there are far more things ahead of you. You got this.
Now is the time for us to put our hands together, without glass, and say "You got this." I cannot wait to see how wonderful the "this" is.
It really is easy.
In the words in Dr. Seuss,
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places.
You're off and away.
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who will decide where to go.
You'll look up and down streets. Look them over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there.
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not so good street.
And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.
It's open out there
in the wide open air.
Out there in the wide open air.
Out there things can happen and the frequently do
to people as brainy and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You will start happening too.
I love you son. See you in a few.
This is the last letter you will receive in summer camp, EVER. I know you will never be back. I think the place has worn out it's welcome with you. Beside that, the food sucks.
And there is excitement in this letter. You are about to embark on a new and exciting adventure, Adulthood. You have wanted to enter for a while and my son, the wait is about to be over.
I am excited because you are about to go get a summer job. It will no doubt be lousy and you will complain but come payday, you will smile.
And then we will pack up new sheets, blankets and towels and you will be on your way to school. New friends, new surroundings, new opportunities and a lifetime of memories.
It is here. And we have all gone through hell getting here, haven't we?
As we said before, it was meant to be. It had to happen. I don't know why we were picked but we were. And, it is what it is. God's will.
There have been many blessings out of this whole ordeal. And some lessons.
I looked forward to our visits. I saw you grow up during this last extended stay at summer camp. We spoke, just you and I, without interruptions, cell phones, etc. We speed dated. I learned about you and I hope that you learned something about me. I learned to value my time with you.
I looked forward to listening to you.
I am grateful that we, as a family, have been given a second chance. Not everyone gets one of those. I am grateful that you have found love in your heart for your dad and your siblings.
I have learned that I need to react less, yell less and love more.
When I met your dad, he was on easy street. He had just himself to take care of, Nichole and Rachel were grown. He was not married and had it made. He took me to your Aunt Judy's for Thanksgiving and there you were. Tiny, hillbilly and full of energy. You sat on my lap and I pretended I was Santa Claus as we looked through the Toys r Us catalogue. The only thing you wanted was a Buzz Light year doll. I was hooked.
It always amazed me that your dad wanted to start over. But he did. And we did it together. We were going to elope on New Year's eve at the Gazebo in the Battery of Charleston. We got you on December 16 and we just said, "Plan B". WE never looked back. Not for a second.
WE loved you like a love that I did not know existed. And maybe that he is why he wanted to start over with you, he knew what that love felt like when you had a child.
No, your dad is not perfect. Neither am I. Neither are you. WE have all had our moments.
The one thing that I am sure of, for two years, I had a feeling in my gut that was "off". I know that the reason I said and did some of the things I did because I knew something was off. When your dad and I drove home that night from states, I was crying. Not because of second place, but because I knew the ride was about to begin. I could feel it in my gut and I was scared to death. Not because of attorneys or summer camp but I was afraid you would die and we would bury you. I was sure of it. I showed up at that one party that night scared to death that I would find you dead in Wyatt's house. And that fear never left. The uneasiness never left. Your dad and I would take turns driving around that island searching for you just because we were afraid you were gone.
When I got the call a month ago, about Brian, I started to spiral out of control. It all came back. I knew how close I had been and now here it was within the family and it just made me consumed all over again.
When you have a child, you can purchase all kinds of books about ear aches, allergies, hyper activity but there are not books about "my kid is gone, he is smoking weed and I have no idea where he is". Many nights I would be awake in the middle of the night just thinking and your dad would whisper, "are you up?" The answer was always yes.
As my mom told me, you will NEVER understand what this is like until you have a child of your own. Only then will you understand the love that comes. It is amazing.
And now, we have reached the point where you will be coming home again, a place that should give you peace and not unrest.
Things are different. You are different. Your dad and I are different. As much as I would like to think that if I say "don't" then you "won't", I know that is not the case.
This is your life.
I know there are seeds of greatness in you. Those seeds and those memories are the only thing that have kept your dad and I going. Your siblings too. We know you have it in you. We know you want to do it. We know you can. And we will help you. We will help you if you come to us and you are honest with us. It won't be easy. Adulthood sucks;. It is hard. But I am pretty sure that your dad and I have proven to you that we are there for you, as long as you are honest and authentic. Don't be afraid to fail. You will not. Things may go differently than you expect, but that doesn't mean you failed.
There are special things that when I am reminded of them, I want to pick you up and lift you into a successful life. It is not my life and that is not how it works. I think about you at Halloween, every time I look at milk or a kiwi or a snickers. When the Titanic is on the only thing I think of is "ice burg, ice burg, straight ahead". I bought Walker duck tape today and thought of you. Nobody can do with duck tape what you can do. Soft shirts and boxers. Chocolate covered pretzels. The cooking channel aka porn for wrestlers. Rudolph. When you were little on Saturday morning you would always ask "do we have to leave the house today?" If I said no, you had an "outfit" on and I didn't see you again until lunch time. Tom Hanks and Castaway. You. I just think of you. And I miss you. I miss you running up and then running down the steps. I miss you calling me mom. I miss you saying thank you when I would come home with a bag of stuff for you.
And despite the hell, the past two years has made me a better person. I am forgiving. I am less judgmental. I look at things in a totally different way. I think more before I speak. I listen more. I understand more. I try not to fly off the handle as much and that is hard for me. So, I ask for help. Help is cool. Help has saved me.
Throughout this situation, your dad and I have been united. Not always speaking to one another, but united. When he was up, I was down. And vise versa. Never did we have a bad day on the same day. We helped one another. We didn't pass judgment. We helped. It was kind of cool. Help is cool. I know you love to help others, so accept help from others. It is a gift.
Your siblings are older and wiser and educated. And they are the two most forgiving people ever. With those two and your dad and I, you have a base to help you succeed.
We are not purposely sending you far away to send you far away. You need a do over. A giant do over. And it is best to do over where nobody knows your name. Trust me, I did it. Greenville, SC baby. And my life took a huge turn, for the better.
Be the authentic you. Be the real and genuine you. The authentic you is the you we all love.
There is not a morning or a night time in the past two years that you were not my first or my last thought of the day. That is love. We have had time to heal, grow, learn and forgive. WE have served our time too.
Yes, you may have missed out on so many things. But there are far more things ahead of you. You got this.
Now is the time for us to put our hands together, without glass, and say "You got this." I cannot wait to see how wonderful the "this" is.
It really is easy.
In the words in Dr. Seuss,
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places.
You're off and away.
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who will decide where to go.
You'll look up and down streets. Look them over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there.
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not so good street.
And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.
It's open out there
in the wide open air.
Out there in the wide open air.
Out there things can happen and the frequently do
to people as brainy and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You will start happening too.
I love you son. See you in a few.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: It is what it is
it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: It is what it is: Earlier this week, my friend T. sat on my back porch and we discussed kids. And we discussed "the button." It was while I was s...
It is what it is
Earlier this week, my friend T. sat on my back porch and we discussed kids. And we discussed "the button."
It was while I was speaking to her that I had an awakening.
When the "button" was little, I used to say he was like a beagle. He would play or talk to anyone, anyone who would pet him. He was opened minded about everyone, as long as they would pet him. He liked anyone. This characteristic is the one that came back to bite him in the butt.
Of all of the blessings that have come from the last two years, the most significant has been the visits and the discussions from the visits. It is a little like speed dating, only with your child. There are no cell phones, no other kids trying to get your attention, just one on one time.
I know, and I knew that I never imagined that we had and still have a great relationship. I knew it. I was confused by it but I knew it was there.
So this past week, I said to him, "You have gown up. What is different about you?"
And his two answers floored me. One, because it takes some people YEARS to get it and two because I didn't think he would ever get it. And, his answers were the result of Anasazi and Summer Camp.
First, he said he finally knows why you have two eyes, two ears and only one mouth. It is better to look and listen than to speak. Speaking shows sometimes what a jerk you are and listening and watching makes you look wiser and more grown up. Can I get an AMEN from the chorus in the back of the room?. FINALLY.
He is one of those spirited children who talks. From the moment his feet hit the floor, he speaks. And he doesn't stop until his eyes close at night. I have three of those children. HMMMM. I wonder where they get this from? More on that later.
I was stunned and so happy.
And then he said that being a beagle is not what he wants to be. He wants to be a Great Dane or some breed. Full blown. He finally learned that he tried to be all things to all people so he could be liked. But, in the process he lost him self. And when he was lost, he searched but just searched down the wrong roads. "Literally mom, down the wrong roads."
This has always tormented me. How could someone who was so into fitness and being and staying fit, put drugs and alcohol in his body? I just don't get it. And we discussed being genuine and wrapping your arms around who you are and loving yourself.
I have always wanted to be the quiet, reserved, graceful, wise one in the room. Grace Kelly like. I love hair up in buns. That is what I wanted to be like. Instead, I have that loud laugh, voice that carries, clumsy, short, wild hair and full of wise cracks. I am who I am and my friend from back home says that I am the epitome of a Pittsburgh girl. "Throw a beer on the bar and she can talk sports, how to cook deer and hang here clothes out on the line".
You are who you are. And he talked about how "you know mom, some people don't like you and you don't even seem to care. You are comfortable in your skin."
I explained to him that No, I most likely do not care. I am a good person and people are going to think what they think no matter what. I just have to chose if I let it bother me or not.
The words, fake, genuine and authentic kept coming up over and over and over again.
Despite the stench and the surroundings, I was grateful for the conversation. And where it led and why.
I explained to him that I had developed a friendship with a very "different" person from the ones I usually befriend. (Crystal Meth Bev) And I explained, she is real. She knows how she is and doesn't even mask it. "Take it or f---- leave it". We talked about his cousin Allison, who is most genuine person we both know. And she is who she is.
Which lead to , "it is what it is". My son explained to me that when he learned about the death in our family just recently, he too couldn't believe it wasn't him. He said he knows of about 50 times it should have been him. And that I was right, he was going to die. When your son tells you this, you want to scream, but I can assure you, nothing comes out. He keeps thinking about why he was spared and why B. was not. I told him he should look up. Somewhere up there was his answer.
It is what it is and you are who you are. We have all been someone we didn't want to be in a place that we didn't want to be. Having the courage to ask for directions, to get on the right road is key.
I don't know what road he will end up on or when or with who...I just hope he has the courage for ask for directions.
It was while I was speaking to her that I had an awakening.
When the "button" was little, I used to say he was like a beagle. He would play or talk to anyone, anyone who would pet him. He was opened minded about everyone, as long as they would pet him. He liked anyone. This characteristic is the one that came back to bite him in the butt.
Of all of the blessings that have come from the last two years, the most significant has been the visits and the discussions from the visits. It is a little like speed dating, only with your child. There are no cell phones, no other kids trying to get your attention, just one on one time.
I know, and I knew that I never imagined that we had and still have a great relationship. I knew it. I was confused by it but I knew it was there.
So this past week, I said to him, "You have gown up. What is different about you?"
And his two answers floored me. One, because it takes some people YEARS to get it and two because I didn't think he would ever get it. And, his answers were the result of Anasazi and Summer Camp.
First, he said he finally knows why you have two eyes, two ears and only one mouth. It is better to look and listen than to speak. Speaking shows sometimes what a jerk you are and listening and watching makes you look wiser and more grown up. Can I get an AMEN from the chorus in the back of the room?. FINALLY.
He is one of those spirited children who talks. From the moment his feet hit the floor, he speaks. And he doesn't stop until his eyes close at night. I have three of those children. HMMMM. I wonder where they get this from? More on that later.
I was stunned and so happy.
And then he said that being a beagle is not what he wants to be. He wants to be a Great Dane or some breed. Full blown. He finally learned that he tried to be all things to all people so he could be liked. But, in the process he lost him self. And when he was lost, he searched but just searched down the wrong roads. "Literally mom, down the wrong roads."
This has always tormented me. How could someone who was so into fitness and being and staying fit, put drugs and alcohol in his body? I just don't get it. And we discussed being genuine and wrapping your arms around who you are and loving yourself.
I have always wanted to be the quiet, reserved, graceful, wise one in the room. Grace Kelly like. I love hair up in buns. That is what I wanted to be like. Instead, I have that loud laugh, voice that carries, clumsy, short, wild hair and full of wise cracks. I am who I am and my friend from back home says that I am the epitome of a Pittsburgh girl. "Throw a beer on the bar and she can talk sports, how to cook deer and hang here clothes out on the line".
You are who you are. And he talked about how "you know mom, some people don't like you and you don't even seem to care. You are comfortable in your skin."
I explained to him that No, I most likely do not care. I am a good person and people are going to think what they think no matter what. I just have to chose if I let it bother me or not.
The words, fake, genuine and authentic kept coming up over and over and over again.
Despite the stench and the surroundings, I was grateful for the conversation. And where it led and why.
I explained to him that I had developed a friendship with a very "different" person from the ones I usually befriend. (Crystal Meth Bev) And I explained, she is real. She knows how she is and doesn't even mask it. "Take it or f---- leave it". We talked about his cousin Allison, who is most genuine person we both know. And she is who she is.
Which lead to , "it is what it is". My son explained to me that when he learned about the death in our family just recently, he too couldn't believe it wasn't him. He said he knows of about 50 times it should have been him. And that I was right, he was going to die. When your son tells you this, you want to scream, but I can assure you, nothing comes out. He keeps thinking about why he was spared and why B. was not. I told him he should look up. Somewhere up there was his answer.
It is what it is and you are who you are. We have all been someone we didn't want to be in a place that we didn't want to be. Having the courage to ask for directions, to get on the right road is key.
I don't know what road he will end up on or when or with who...I just hope he has the courage for ask for directions.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: A Mother Duck and Crystal Meth Bev
it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: A Mother Duck and Crystal Meth Bev: Yesterday, I made my last visit to Summer Camp, EVER. First, I saw Crystal Meth Bev. And when I saw her, I wanted to throw up. She was ...
A Mother Duck and Crystal Meth Bev
Yesterday, I made my last visit to Summer Camp, EVER.
First, I saw Crystal Meth Bev. And when I saw her, I wanted to throw up. She was dirty, her hair was stuck to the side of her head and she had a black eye. Ok, truth serum, you just read it and raise your hand if you thought the following, she relapsed, got in a fight and just coming in from the night before? Yep, that is what I thought too.
She was "already up" when I got a glimpse of her in the visitation room. She left quickly too. I thought she was avoiding me. When I finally got outside, she was there, smoking a cigarette on a picnic table.
"TV girl, come over here". (she calls me TV girl. I have never told her my name).
I walk over to her shaking my head and when I get there she says,
"Guess What?" Ok, coming from her that is SUCH a loaded question (no pun intended).
"Surprise me".
"I met a man." Okay, there is a lid for every pot, I know, but really?
"Where and who?" What I expected and what I got were two different things.
"My sponsor at AA and I met him at AA."
"Did he do that to your face?"
"Is that what you f------ think, he f------ hit me? Are you f----- kidding me?"
Oh my God, I stirred the hornets nest.
"Yes, I did. Did he?"
"Hell no, I got kicked by a horse when I was cleaning a stall."
"Are you a horse girl?"
"Are you f------ kidding me? You keep talking about how f------little I am. What the hell else is there for me? I was a jockey you dumbass."
I started to laugh.
"Be happy for me. I have been sober for about 60 days, have better than job than I have ever had, met a man and now I have something to do with my mouth."
I swear I threw up in my mouth.
"I am happy for you. I am. And I am happy that a horse kicked you and not a man. I bet you look good in that little jockey outfit."
"F---- you TV girl."
"Why did you leave so quickly today?"
"Because my son won't own up, he isn't ready to get sober and I am not wasting my time sitting in that hell hole when I can be sitting outside on this lovely day."
"CMB, I won't be here next week. It is over. "
She looked at me and said, "that is what you think, it is just starting you fool."
I looked at her and laughed. And then she looked up at me and said, "thanks for being my friend. I know you don't hang with chicks like me and I want you and your kid's life to be okay. I think it is nice that you didn't judge me."
I looked at that skinny, toothless, black eyed, dirty hair, wrinkled girl and said, "two years ago, I wouldn't have talked to you. I cannot judge you, we are at the same place. This whole thing has changed me."
She looks up and says, "I feel like we should go eat ice cream, hug or go shopping or something together. Isn't that what you do with your girlfriends?"
I just started laughing. I wasn't hugging. That was just too much.
And then she says, "I am going to see you in Wal-Mart or some place some day and I am going to yell, "TV GIRLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL" and you are either going to start laughing or start running."
I shook my head and laughed.
She says, "what were you saying to your boy today that made him laugh so hard?"
I said "well, I told him one day that I went to the high school for something at the beginning of his freshman year. I saw him walking down the hall and he was just acting like a jerk. The Principal saw me shake me head and he came over to me and asked, Have you ever seen a mother duck and her babies on a pond? Well of course I said yes. And then he asked, did you ever notice that the mom is first and all the babies are behind her doing EXACTLY what she was doing and then there is ALWAYS THAT one duckling, going the opposite direction, putting his head down in the water, not doing anything that he is supposed too? I said yes. Mr. B. then said to me, he is that duck. Don't worry, he won't get there the way you want him too or the way you think you should, but he will get there."
She looked at me and said, "damn".
I said, "Foreshadowing."
Crystal Meth Bev asked, "why did he laugh?"
"Well, I told him when he finally gets to the other side of the pond I was going to drown him."
She started to laugh and she says, "don't I f-------------------- know it?'
"You know, I have this framed piece of scripture in my kitchen that says 'if you teach your kids to go down the right road, when they are older, they will return to it" and I have to hope that is happens to my son."
Just then, the tiniest man I have ever seen, pulls up on a motorcycle. Seriously, it was the Prince from Shrek, the little guy. He pulls up and blows his horn and starts beeping his horn.
She just starts beaming and says "that is my lover."
OMG, there is a lid for every pot.
"Later TV girl. I am glad we got to meet."
She starts walking away and she turn around and says, "Quack Quack."
And, I laughed hysterically,.
First, I saw Crystal Meth Bev. And when I saw her, I wanted to throw up. She was dirty, her hair was stuck to the side of her head and she had a black eye. Ok, truth serum, you just read it and raise your hand if you thought the following, she relapsed, got in a fight and just coming in from the night before? Yep, that is what I thought too.
She was "already up" when I got a glimpse of her in the visitation room. She left quickly too. I thought she was avoiding me. When I finally got outside, she was there, smoking a cigarette on a picnic table.
"TV girl, come over here". (she calls me TV girl. I have never told her my name).
I walk over to her shaking my head and when I get there she says,
"Guess What?" Ok, coming from her that is SUCH a loaded question (no pun intended).
"Surprise me".
"I met a man." Okay, there is a lid for every pot, I know, but really?
"Where and who?" What I expected and what I got were two different things.
"My sponsor at AA and I met him at AA."
"Did he do that to your face?"
"Is that what you f------ think, he f------ hit me? Are you f----- kidding me?"
Oh my God, I stirred the hornets nest.
"Yes, I did. Did he?"
"Hell no, I got kicked by a horse when I was cleaning a stall."
"Are you a horse girl?"
"Are you f------ kidding me? You keep talking about how f------little I am. What the hell else is there for me? I was a jockey you dumbass."
I started to laugh.
"Be happy for me. I have been sober for about 60 days, have better than job than I have ever had, met a man and now I have something to do with my mouth."
I swear I threw up in my mouth.
"I am happy for you. I am. And I am happy that a horse kicked you and not a man. I bet you look good in that little jockey outfit."
"F---- you TV girl."
"Why did you leave so quickly today?"
"Because my son won't own up, he isn't ready to get sober and I am not wasting my time sitting in that hell hole when I can be sitting outside on this lovely day."
"CMB, I won't be here next week. It is over. "
She looked at me and said, "that is what you think, it is just starting you fool."
I looked at her and laughed. And then she looked up at me and said, "thanks for being my friend. I know you don't hang with chicks like me and I want you and your kid's life to be okay. I think it is nice that you didn't judge me."
I looked at that skinny, toothless, black eyed, dirty hair, wrinkled girl and said, "two years ago, I wouldn't have talked to you. I cannot judge you, we are at the same place. This whole thing has changed me."
She looks up and says, "I feel like we should go eat ice cream, hug or go shopping or something together. Isn't that what you do with your girlfriends?"
I just started laughing. I wasn't hugging. That was just too much.
And then she says, "I am going to see you in Wal-Mart or some place some day and I am going to yell, "TV GIRLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL" and you are either going to start laughing or start running."
I shook my head and laughed.
She says, "what were you saying to your boy today that made him laugh so hard?"
I said "well, I told him one day that I went to the high school for something at the beginning of his freshman year. I saw him walking down the hall and he was just acting like a jerk. The Principal saw me shake me head and he came over to me and asked, Have you ever seen a mother duck and her babies on a pond? Well of course I said yes. And then he asked, did you ever notice that the mom is first and all the babies are behind her doing EXACTLY what she was doing and then there is ALWAYS THAT one duckling, going the opposite direction, putting his head down in the water, not doing anything that he is supposed too? I said yes. Mr. B. then said to me, he is that duck. Don't worry, he won't get there the way you want him too or the way you think you should, but he will get there."
She looked at me and said, "damn".
I said, "Foreshadowing."
Crystal Meth Bev asked, "why did he laugh?"
"Well, I told him when he finally gets to the other side of the pond I was going to drown him."
She started to laugh and she says, "don't I f-------------------- know it?'
"You know, I have this framed piece of scripture in my kitchen that says 'if you teach your kids to go down the right road, when they are older, they will return to it" and I have to hope that is happens to my son."
Just then, the tiniest man I have ever seen, pulls up on a motorcycle. Seriously, it was the Prince from Shrek, the little guy. He pulls up and blows his horn and starts beeping his horn.
She just starts beaming and says "that is my lover."
OMG, there is a lid for every pot.
"Later TV girl. I am glad we got to meet."
She starts walking away and she turn around and says, "Quack Quack."
And, I laughed hysterically,.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: What do you want for Mother's Day?
it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: What do you want for Mother's Day?: It is here. The weekend of breakfast in bed, handwritten cards, coupons for car washes, flowers and one day of peace. The m...
it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: What do you want for Mother's Day?
it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: What do you want for Mother's Day?: It is here. The weekend of breakfast in bed, handwritten cards, coupons for car washes, flowers and one day of peace. The m...
it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: What do you want for Mother's Day?
it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: What do you want for Mother's Day?: It is here. The weekend of breakfast in bed, handwritten cards, coupons for car washes, flowers and one day of peace. The m...
What do you want for Mother's Day?
It is here. The weekend of breakfast in bed, handwritten cards, coupons for car washes, flowers and one day of peace. The mother load (no pun intended) of love and affection for mom's and kids. Mother's Day weekend.
Graduations, brunches, lunches hanging baskets, you name it, it is here.
I tried all week to prepare a blog in honor of Mother's everywhere and as hard as I tried, nothing happened. Until last night.
Yesterday, there was a neighborhood "incident". Nothing big, but it did force me and my neighbor to call the Sheriff. For those inquiring minds, we asked a jeep full of teenagers to slow down. No big deal and we wanted to report the license number. It appears that seven others before us did the same.
It is what happened on the call that sent me into a "moment" at Walker's game. The sheriff asks, "what is your name again?". I respond and can almost count silently in my head, one Mississippi, two Mississippi, yep, here it comes, "Are you the button's mom?" Just like clockwork. "Yes, I am." And then again, one Mississippi, two Mississippi..."You know, I have spent a lot of time with your son. I worked nights at summer camp."
Okay, this one got my attention.
"And you know, I think of him all the time. He always slept during the day and was up at night and he would call out of his cell, very quietly and he would ask, "are you there?"
"I would slide my chair over to him and we would talk. He has told me everything. And there is one thing I can tell you, he will be fine. He loves his mamma. He told me about your flowers and the garden he built for you and how you have a table that you decorate for every holiday and you go way over board and you always bake and when he walked in the door, smelling that oven was when he knew he was home. And he told me that you have always been there for him, both you and Frank."
Wow, a summer camp confession to a guard.
I guess he thought that this would make me feel good. It did. All that you do for your kids and it is always interesting to see what they remember.
And, I just tucked it away in my heart. It came out at the baseball game and I didn't mention it to Franklin. Sometimes, we have just had enough and nothing else needs to be processed.
About one thirty am last night, the dog went nuts. Franklin got up and there was a young teenager out and about. Franklin spoke to him and asked him what he was doing up and out and if he lived in the hood. It was a weird encounter. A young boy out in the middle of the night.
And it was that encounter that sent my heart raising again. It brought it all back. All the dashing out in the middle of the nights, the empty beds in the morning, all of it. The questions on the ceiling came back for a visit.
In the last few weeks, I have discovered that three of my friends are fighting cancer. Four of my friends have buried their fathers. My sister-in-law has buried her son. And three girls in Ohio are sleeping in their own beds.
There is only one thing I want for Mother's Day.
I want Peace for Mother's day. I want Peace for my friends who are fighting cancer. I want Peace for my friends that have just buried their dads. I want Peace for my sister-in-law. I want Peace in the hearts of all moms. I want all mothers to know in their hearts that they are doing a good job. I want Peace for the daughters who have reversed roles and are now taking care of their mothers and fathers. I want Peace for the single moms who wonder if they are doing a good job. I want Peace for the parents who have blended families. I want Peace for my mom.
And I want Peace for me. I want my family to move forward. All of us.
I want hearts to open and Peace to enter.
And because Franklin only shops at one store, I am sure I will get a card and a plant.
And for that I will be happy.
Friday, May 3, 2013
it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: There are two lives that we live
it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: There are two lives that we live: Crystal Meth Bev has become a person that people want to know more about. She is something. I have REALLY grown to admire her. Is she st...
There are two lives that we live
Crystal Meth Bev has become a person that people want to know more about. She is something. I have REALLY grown to admire her.
Is she still sober? Yes. And, she got a "real" job. I don't know what that is but it has forced her to dress up, cut her hair and buy some clothes. And she has some new venom in her.
I saw her the other day and it wasn't good. She went to see her son and she was letting him know that the additional charges he had gotten were "out of control." "Own it, Own it." she was yelling. And she stomped out.
I found out later from a reliable source, his charges are pretty significant. She has been going to town with AA and a therapy. She is serious. Go Bev Go. And, she is making decisions with a clear mind instead of a drunk one and her son isn't liking it. She has learned what life is like sober. He is seeing a side of her he didn't know existed.
My friend "JOY" is home from New Zealand. She is wonderful and well. She is fat and happy. She ate and drank her way through the down under. She had a strength in her voice the other day that I haven't heard in years. And, a sparkle. Oh, how I loved that sparkle. She learned what it was like to live again after cancer.
Yes, I sent the "button" the DARE essay that his brother wrote. And, that essay opened up a huge can of "whip ass" with the "button." I have to say that visit with him, after he received and read it was one of the most interesting visits, ever. The visit resulted in a letter from him that every mother should get from their child, while alive and sane. It is simply to intimate to share but here is the line that I know matters, " my little brother having the unfortunate situation where he sees me at my worst and it hurts to disappoint him. None of you have deserved what I have put you through but the fact is if Walker and Addie can learn from my mistakes then at least they will never end where I am and for that I am grateful."
And yes, he does know about the death in the family. Again, you cannot hide a missing person and honestly MUST be part of recovery. I will tell you this, it moved him. When he learned of a cousin's fate, I know it hit him in the gut. I was honest with him. I told him that I felt like it should have been my making the calls and making the arrangements. "I know how close you were so many times." His response, "you have no idea how close mom."
The one thing that we have all come to peace with over the last couple months, is this experience has been about learning. If we as a family don't learn and mover forward, all the hurt and pain was in vain.
And, if the "button" doesn't learn from this, again, in vain. We all must learn, grow and move forward.
He even said that, several times. The past is the past.
One of my favorite "get sucked into it every time it is on" movie is the Natural.
Glen Close says to Robert Redford, "I believe that we have two lives. One that we live and the one we LEARN to live with afterward."
This is us.
And as his 20th birthday approaches, the second consecutive one in summer camp, I feel that he is FINALLY starting to grow up. And despite substance abuse issues, this needed to happen. He needed to learn and to grow up.
And finally, the "button" and his days at summer camp will most likely end soon. He has NEVER been in front of a judge or ever been convicted of anything. Every time there was an arrest, a plan followed. He has been in "summer camp" because we didn't know what else to do. We were simply out of options and out of successful plans. We could have bailed him out but that would not yield success. For the first time in over two years, the "button" has been sober for over nine months. He actually served more time in the county summer camp than if he would have been convicted. I guess the term is "tough love." He will go in front of a judge sometime soon, learn his fate and return home.
And the question that I get the most, "are you nervous/scared?" Yes, oh hell yes. Aren't we all? Summer camp or no summer camp, aren't we all scared about what could happen to our kids? Isn't that part of being a mom? It doesn't matter how old you are or your child are, you never quit caring or fretting or worrying. Never.
Are we going to do things differently this time? Yes, we learned. I need to be at peace and know that this is his life, not ours.
In my heart and in my gut, despite the pain and the hurt, I am at peace with the lessons that we have learned and the life that we have learned to live with afterward.
Is she still sober? Yes. And, she got a "real" job. I don't know what that is but it has forced her to dress up, cut her hair and buy some clothes. And she has some new venom in her.
I saw her the other day and it wasn't good. She went to see her son and she was letting him know that the additional charges he had gotten were "out of control." "Own it, Own it." she was yelling. And she stomped out.
I found out later from a reliable source, his charges are pretty significant. She has been going to town with AA and a therapy. She is serious. Go Bev Go. And, she is making decisions with a clear mind instead of a drunk one and her son isn't liking it. She has learned what life is like sober. He is seeing a side of her he didn't know existed.
My friend "JOY" is home from New Zealand. She is wonderful and well. She is fat and happy. She ate and drank her way through the down under. She had a strength in her voice the other day that I haven't heard in years. And, a sparkle. Oh, how I loved that sparkle. She learned what it was like to live again after cancer.
Yes, I sent the "button" the DARE essay that his brother wrote. And, that essay opened up a huge can of "whip ass" with the "button." I have to say that visit with him, after he received and read it was one of the most interesting visits, ever. The visit resulted in a letter from him that every mother should get from their child, while alive and sane. It is simply to intimate to share but here is the line that I know matters, " my little brother having the unfortunate situation where he sees me at my worst and it hurts to disappoint him. None of you have deserved what I have put you through but the fact is if Walker and Addie can learn from my mistakes then at least they will never end where I am and for that I am grateful."
And yes, he does know about the death in the family. Again, you cannot hide a missing person and honestly MUST be part of recovery. I will tell you this, it moved him. When he learned of a cousin's fate, I know it hit him in the gut. I was honest with him. I told him that I felt like it should have been my making the calls and making the arrangements. "I know how close you were so many times." His response, "you have no idea how close mom."
The one thing that we have all come to peace with over the last couple months, is this experience has been about learning. If we as a family don't learn and mover forward, all the hurt and pain was in vain.
And, if the "button" doesn't learn from this, again, in vain. We all must learn, grow and move forward.
He even said that, several times. The past is the past.
One of my favorite "get sucked into it every time it is on" movie is the Natural.
Glen Close says to Robert Redford, "I believe that we have two lives. One that we live and the one we LEARN to live with afterward."
This is us.
And as his 20th birthday approaches, the second consecutive one in summer camp, I feel that he is FINALLY starting to grow up. And despite substance abuse issues, this needed to happen. He needed to learn and to grow up.
And finally, the "button" and his days at summer camp will most likely end soon. He has NEVER been in front of a judge or ever been convicted of anything. Every time there was an arrest, a plan followed. He has been in "summer camp" because we didn't know what else to do. We were simply out of options and out of successful plans. We could have bailed him out but that would not yield success. For the first time in over two years, the "button" has been sober for over nine months. He actually served more time in the county summer camp than if he would have been convicted. I guess the term is "tough love." He will go in front of a judge sometime soon, learn his fate and return home.
And the question that I get the most, "are you nervous/scared?" Yes, oh hell yes. Aren't we all? Summer camp or no summer camp, aren't we all scared about what could happen to our kids? Isn't that part of being a mom? It doesn't matter how old you are or your child are, you never quit caring or fretting or worrying. Never.
Are we going to do things differently this time? Yes, we learned. I need to be at peace and know that this is his life, not ours.
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