the story of kids,chaos, mothering challenges and sometimes chocolate
Monday, December 31, 2012
it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: Rudolph and Returns
it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: Rudolph and Returns: Years ago, I did one of those "mother things" and I started a Rudolph collection for the "button." And it really wasn't a collection, ...
Rudolph and Returns
Years ago, I did one of those "mother things" and I started a Rudolph collection for the "button." And it really wasn't a collection, it was more like an obsession.
If anyone asked what to get him, I told them to get the Rudolph stuff. And the collection grew. And grew and grew.
As he got older, and wanted to play a part in Santa, we would let him stay up and my mom and I would ask him if he wanted to open a gift.
It was always Rudolph. And we were always amused. He wasn't. We were. Rudolph and boxers, every Christmas eve.
This year, I just put a few Rudolph things out. I just couldn't do the rest. Couldn't.
Last week, I stood in the dreaded "return" line at TJ Maxx. Ugh. It was so long and I quickly noticed that I had the "annoying" lady in front of me. She texted, she called on her phone, she put her bag down and she picked her bag up, she touched everything she could, she sighed and she kept getting in the bag. She was just annoying.
Finally, the line inched up to the rows of 'stuff". You know the rows, ballerina suits for dogs, olive oil flavored chips, shortcake scented candles and note cards in fun boxes. And there, kind of tossed behind some stuff was Rudolph. And Hermey. In front of me and now in her hands. "Back off lady, I want that" is what I was thinking. But, it was in her hands. It was a little picture. And it made me think of my son. And it made me sad. Again,one year later, still the same ole, same ole. And another year of him being absent from every single holiday in our home.
We had an incredible holiday and we were filled with the Christmas spirit. We were well, physically and mentally and we were in the holiday mood. Yeah for us.
But there was Rudolph right in front of me and I was sad. I missed buying gifts for my son. I missed him saying, and he always said these two things, without fail, "the house smells good" and "the garland looks good."
I missed him playing Santa and I missed buying him Rudolph and I missed him being a part of our family and Christmas.
Finally, she put the picture down. I didn't touch it. I said, "self, don't do it. You've done a good job mentally and don't screw it up now." I refrained.
Finally, it was the hyper return lady's turn. She puts her stuff up on the counter, after a 22 minute wait and she pulls out the ugliest sweater I have ever seen. I wanted to laugh, it was worth the 22 minute wait to unload that puppy. And some belt, she had a belt too. And when the cashier asked her for the receipt, she said, "I cannot, I cannot return the sweater."
"OMG lady, return the sweater. It is hideous. Stacy and Clinton would so be throwing this in the barrel making fun of it.' This is what I was thinking.
And then she says, "I cannot return it, I want to, I hate it but my son bought it for me with his first paycheck."
I felt her inside of me. I have a Christmas tree like that. I felt horrible for thinking she was annoying. Instead, she was fretting. I was so thinking that she did the right thing and I would wear that sweater with pride. Hell, screw the sweater, I would be thrilled with a card, not even a Hallmark, just a card instead of a pencil drawn card on lined composition paper from summer camp. The hand drawns are all that I have gotten in the last year.
She returned the belt. Good for her. And better yet, good for him.
I returned Franklin's shirt and strolled over to Hallmark. The first thing that caught my eye on the 50% off shelf, Rudolph and Hermie in a snow globe. Sold! to the mom who already has a Christmas wish for 2013.
I carried my snow globe out to the car. I sat in my seat and sighed. I looked straight ahead and said out loud, "the worst is over, here's to a new beginning and a new year. And it was 50% off."
Here's hoping that everyone's year, moves forward with peace and hope in all hearts.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: Adam's Dad
it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: Adam's Dad: It really doesn't matter if you are a parent or not, Friday's tragedy has touched everyone. Across the seas, across continents and in count...
Adam's Dad
It really doesn't matter if you are a parent or not, Friday's tragedy has touched everyone. Across the seas, across continents and in countries that don't even speak English, the tragedy has gripped hearts.
I am not even sure if the seasonal timing is really that significant. It is a monumental tragedy that would still be a monumental tragedy regardless of the timing.
And while they show the pictures of all the children, and the teachers and the gunman, while my heart pounds with grief, the person I keep thinking about is Adam's dad.
I heard a small snip it about Adam's dad today. I really don't think it matters how much money he earns annually or how pleasant the divorce was or how he is co operating with the authorities, what matters that he too lost a son.
He too stood at a hospital waiting for the birth of this child and then was ecstatic when Adam arrived. Adams' dad more than likely smiled a huge smile and they began their lives together, father and son. And then somewhere along the road, Adam's dad learned that Adam was "different."
I saw the reporter who showed up at Adam's dad's house and delivered the news to him. He, of course, was quickly filled with confusion, shock and then horror. And he wept.
And he has remained in isolation.
How on earth will this man ever move on and move forward? My son acted poorly and I didn't shop at the local grocery store for about a year because I didn't want to see anyone. I cannot stop thinking about him, his wife, how they will proceed from here. Adam's dad lost his son and the mother of his children. What he lost will almost be insignificant to what has now filled the rest of his life.
He will be tortured with questions and that "why didn't I do more to stop this?" torture.
I do not believe that Jeffrey Dahmer's dad taught him to kill young men, dismember them and keep them in his refrigerator. I do not. I do know that Jeffrey's dad went to his grave with guilt and sadness and huge remorse for anguish his son caused other families. Jeffrey's dad life was forever changed.
And so is the life that Adam's dad knew.
If he thought that his son was capable of this, he would not have let him live in a house with guns? But there were also matches in the house, gasoline and who knows what else. Adam's dad was sane, Adam was not. Not being the key word.
I keep thinking about Adam's dad and the horror and the guilt and the remorse that has invaded his heart and his brain and his wife and his son Ryan. It has to be paralyzing. And devastating. And horrifying.
I also hope that Adam's grandparents are not living. If they are, he will kill them too. They will not be able to cope.
We never, ever, ever know how things will turn out or why. Somethings are meant to be. And somethings are not.
Today in the story, they implied that his parents divorce could have been the trigger. One out of two marriages ends in divorce. Adam's dad did what 50% of married people do. He paid alimony and support. More than most do. And in the end, we will never know what mattered and what didn't.
I cannot watch anything else or read anything else about this tragedy. I will never understand it. I will never be able to process any of it. And if I ever meet Adam's dad,if he ever immerges from isolation, I just want to hug him.
I am not even sure if the seasonal timing is really that significant. It is a monumental tragedy that would still be a monumental tragedy regardless of the timing.
And while they show the pictures of all the children, and the teachers and the gunman, while my heart pounds with grief, the person I keep thinking about is Adam's dad.
I heard a small snip it about Adam's dad today. I really don't think it matters how much money he earns annually or how pleasant the divorce was or how he is co operating with the authorities, what matters that he too lost a son.
He too stood at a hospital waiting for the birth of this child and then was ecstatic when Adam arrived. Adams' dad more than likely smiled a huge smile and they began their lives together, father and son. And then somewhere along the road, Adam's dad learned that Adam was "different."
I saw the reporter who showed up at Adam's dad's house and delivered the news to him. He, of course, was quickly filled with confusion, shock and then horror. And he wept.
And he has remained in isolation.
How on earth will this man ever move on and move forward? My son acted poorly and I didn't shop at the local grocery store for about a year because I didn't want to see anyone. I cannot stop thinking about him, his wife, how they will proceed from here. Adam's dad lost his son and the mother of his children. What he lost will almost be insignificant to what has now filled the rest of his life.
He will be tortured with questions and that "why didn't I do more to stop this?" torture.
I do not believe that Jeffrey Dahmer's dad taught him to kill young men, dismember them and keep them in his refrigerator. I do not. I do know that Jeffrey's dad went to his grave with guilt and sadness and huge remorse for anguish his son caused other families. Jeffrey's dad life was forever changed.
And so is the life that Adam's dad knew.
If he thought that his son was capable of this, he would not have let him live in a house with guns? But there were also matches in the house, gasoline and who knows what else. Adam's dad was sane, Adam was not. Not being the key word.
I keep thinking about Adam's dad and the horror and the guilt and the remorse that has invaded his heart and his brain and his wife and his son Ryan. It has to be paralyzing. And devastating. And horrifying.
I also hope that Adam's grandparents are not living. If they are, he will kill them too. They will not be able to cope.
We never, ever, ever know how things will turn out or why. Somethings are meant to be. And somethings are not.
Today in the story, they implied that his parents divorce could have been the trigger. One out of two marriages ends in divorce. Adam's dad did what 50% of married people do. He paid alimony and support. More than most do. And in the end, we will never know what mattered and what didn't.
I cannot watch anything else or read anything else about this tragedy. I will never understand it. I will never be able to process any of it. And if I ever meet Adam's dad,if he ever immerges from isolation, I just want to hug him.
Monday, December 10, 2012
it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: an orange
it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: an orange: When we were kids, my great-grandmother Emma, would tell us stories about when she, and her seven sisters. celebrated Christmas. The stocki...
an orange
When we were kids, my great-grandmother Emma, would tell us stories about when she, and her seven sisters. celebrated Christmas. The stocking content was "your Christmas." You woke up in the morning, and whatever was in your stocking was your gift. Her favorite gift was an orange. The big, juicy kind, the naval orange. On good years, you got an orange, maybe a pair of socks and some chocolate. Emma was 104 when she died December 27, 1999.
The best part about Christmas,according to Emma, beside the orange, was the meal. It was all about the meal. Turkey, ham, vegetables and sweets. Remember, there wasn't always electricity so the meal took all day and it was all hands on deck. You got dressed up in your Sunday clothes and the meal took center stage. And you ate and you ate and you ate. But not the orange, you saved the orange. The orange was for a couple days later. The chocolate too. It made the magic of Christmas last longer.
My grandmother told the same Christmas stories. She was not as good as telling stories as Emma. I can still remember her sitting there telling those stories about Christmas. And I was in awe that all she got was an orange. But she always said it was about the meal, the sitting together in nice clothes, and eating and celebrating family.
Yesterday, a Christmas elf granted our family a visit with the "button" in his office. No glass. Awesome! And being a mom, I had to ask, "can I bring him a sandwich?" (Seriously, does that ever leave a females chromosomes?)
We spent an hour with the "button." Addie checked him for head lice, smelled him one hundred times, we told jokes, discussed his future and he ate. He ate a foot long sub and ice cold milk. He savored every bite.
I also wanted to bring him a piece of fruit. He is an enormous fruit eater. When I entered the store to purchase the fruit, I had my mind on an apple, the big, red Delicious apples. But, the large, naval oranges caught my eye. Always go with Vitamin C.
I peeled the orange for him, (again, does that ever go away) and he savored every bite. Every single bit of orange. Sometime those oranges are dry inside but this one is juicy. He ate that orange like it was the best orange ever. And he commented about the smell.
And it was all about the meal and celebrating family.
Very simply, it was about celebrating Life. All kinds of Life.
This visit was really for Walker and Addie and in the end it became about the three of them. And Frank and I just looked on and watched. It was never awkward or angry. It was about moving forward and openly discussing what the button wants and needs to do for a successful future. And hidden cameras. Kids love the thought of hidden cameras.
Two of my kids want electronics for Christmas. One was happy with an orange and a cold container of milk. And a hug. Several hugs.
The pain and the disappointment will be in my heart for a long time. My son made horrible choices. I am still sad as to what he exposed his younger siblings to and how often it happened. He is a very capable young man who knew better and should have known to ask for help.
This morning on my treadmill when I replayed and thought about the visit, there are some very positive things that we have learned. And maybe we learned more than we know at this time yesterday in that office. I saw my daughter breakdown yesterday when she hugged her older brother and then search his head for lice. I saw my youngest son beam with pride while sitting next to his brother. And I saw my husband tear up at all of this. And I saw my son appreciate "just an orange" as a Christmas gift.
So many times during the hustle and bustle during the holiday season, it is easy to get caught up in and on the "stuff" and the "stuff that doesn't matter."
But yesterday in some kind man's office, with the smell of naval orange in the background, I felt Christmas and the Hope of new beginnings in my heart.
The best part about Christmas,according to Emma, beside the orange, was the meal. It was all about the meal. Turkey, ham, vegetables and sweets. Remember, there wasn't always electricity so the meal took all day and it was all hands on deck. You got dressed up in your Sunday clothes and the meal took center stage. And you ate and you ate and you ate. But not the orange, you saved the orange. The orange was for a couple days later. The chocolate too. It made the magic of Christmas last longer.
My grandmother told the same Christmas stories. She was not as good as telling stories as Emma. I can still remember her sitting there telling those stories about Christmas. And I was in awe that all she got was an orange. But she always said it was about the meal, the sitting together in nice clothes, and eating and celebrating family.
Yesterday, a Christmas elf granted our family a visit with the "button" in his office. No glass. Awesome! And being a mom, I had to ask, "can I bring him a sandwich?" (Seriously, does that ever leave a females chromosomes?)
We spent an hour with the "button." Addie checked him for head lice, smelled him one hundred times, we told jokes, discussed his future and he ate. He ate a foot long sub and ice cold milk. He savored every bite.
I also wanted to bring him a piece of fruit. He is an enormous fruit eater. When I entered the store to purchase the fruit, I had my mind on an apple, the big, red Delicious apples. But, the large, naval oranges caught my eye. Always go with Vitamin C.
I peeled the orange for him, (again, does that ever go away) and he savored every bite. Every single bit of orange. Sometime those oranges are dry inside but this one is juicy. He ate that orange like it was the best orange ever. And he commented about the smell.
And it was all about the meal and celebrating family.
Very simply, it was about celebrating Life. All kinds of Life.
This visit was really for Walker and Addie and in the end it became about the three of them. And Frank and I just looked on and watched. It was never awkward or angry. It was about moving forward and openly discussing what the button wants and needs to do for a successful future. And hidden cameras. Kids love the thought of hidden cameras.
Two of my kids want electronics for Christmas. One was happy with an orange and a cold container of milk. And a hug. Several hugs.
The pain and the disappointment will be in my heart for a long time. My son made horrible choices. I am still sad as to what he exposed his younger siblings to and how often it happened. He is a very capable young man who knew better and should have known to ask for help.
This morning on my treadmill when I replayed and thought about the visit, there are some very positive things that we have learned. And maybe we learned more than we know at this time yesterday in that office. I saw my daughter breakdown yesterday when she hugged her older brother and then search his head for lice. I saw my youngest son beam with pride while sitting next to his brother. And I saw my husband tear up at all of this. And I saw my son appreciate "just an orange" as a Christmas gift.
So many times during the hustle and bustle during the holiday season, it is easy to get caught up in and on the "stuff" and the "stuff that doesn't matter."
But yesterday in some kind man's office, with the smell of naval orange in the background, I felt Christmas and the Hope of new beginnings in my heart.
Monday, December 3, 2012
it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: GOD
it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: GOD: When you sit back and assess you job as a mother, there are always things that could be improved. When raising the "button", one of the thi...
GOD
When you sit back and assess you job as a mother, there are always things that could be improved. When raising the "button", one of the things that I would do over would be GOD.
I am a very spiritual person. I don't always feel that you need to sit properly in church, every Sunday to believe. This post is not a religious soapbox, it is just what has happened of late.
When the "button" was growing up, the only "real" family day that we had was Sunday. Consequently, church got kicked to the curb. GOD did not, but the act or worship did.
When the "button" was about nine, he was at Bible school and "the Jonah and the whale thing" came up. The "button" who still believed in Santa, the Easter bunny and the tooth fairy could not and would not digest the "Jonah and the whale thing." His words. He just could not let go of Jonah and how this simply could never have happened. I explained, very simply to him, that with God, all things are possible.
In the last year and half, if I have told him once, I have told him one hundred times, "Quit Fighting God. He has a different plan for you and you need to follow not Fight." To no avail I told him this one hundred times. He refused to listen.
What is it about kids that you can say it and they don't hear it, but someone else can say it and they do?
With the help of Josh Hamilton, the "button" started thinking about GOD.
And, I was at Books a Million they other day and there was a clearance section. For three dollars, this book had the seven most important things for you life in it. I didn't even look to see who wrote it, I glanced through it and found about four pages that talked about how nothing good ever came from drugging and drinking. Sold!.
We have all heard and experienced folks going to summer camp and seeing the light. I myself have said the same thing that others have said, "if they believed before, maybe they wouldn't be in this mess" or "replaced one addiction with another." Been there, thought it,said it.
That was all before my son went to summer camp.
Anyway, he read the book. And the Josh Hamliton book.
In a phone conversation this weekend, he says to me that "he has been thinking of this whole God thing and I think that I am starting to understand the God thing. I don't want to be one of those people that sits here and gets all religious in summer camp but I have had time to think about it and this one book you sent is about Faith and God."
WOW! Not any mention of Jonah.
I sent my son a letter. It went a little like this.
"Religion isn't something that you "get". It is something that you feel, in your heart, in your being. It is not about going to church every Sunday, it is about what is in your heart. Your heart directs your being. It guides you and carries you. Religion is about knowing that God is with you and He has a plan for you and thus HE guides you. It is knowing that you are protected. Look at the sun, the sunbeams and the storm clouds behind them and you will know that someone created these.
You, of all people, should feel God. He has a plan for you and it is big. You need to pay attention to HIS plan. There are not coincidences. They are works from GOD. GOD has decided that you are not going to be an addict or a law breaker. This is why you keep getting caught. You know in your heart that you are not this person. You just keep fighting GOD and the plan. There is a reason thought that you have fought. I don't know what it is, I just know it exists.
I know you won't win if you fight God. Let go. Let God. Let God rule you. You don't have to put on you Sunday best to feel him, just open up your heart. Pay attention. Josh Hamilton will tell you that his life changed when he let God in it. Books, rehabs and other people will tell you that God can rule you. Let God in your heart.
I always wanted to be a mom. When my first marriage ended, so did my chance to become at motherhood. And then your dad came but he already had two grown daughters. Why would he want to start over? As much as I loved him, I loved the thought of being a mom more. When you came, God answered my life long prayer. He sent you to me. He knew you would need someone more stubborn than you. He knew that you needed someone who wouldn't give up and He knew that you need more than the usual amount of guidance and conviction. He answered mine, I will answer HIS. You have been one of God's gifts to me and I will not stop. You want to fight God, that means fighting me too. Let's quit fighting and start living, in a positive light.
I start my day, everyday, with a prayer. Sometimes it is on the treadmill, in the car, wherever. Bad things happen to good people. Great things happen to good people after they get through the bad. Josh Hamilton is the perfect example. He changed his habits, he opened up his heart to God.
We can do this. Your life will turn around. All you need to do is open up your heart. That is fair. This is God's plan.
I am a very spiritual person. I don't always feel that you need to sit properly in church, every Sunday to believe. This post is not a religious soapbox, it is just what has happened of late.
When the "button" was growing up, the only "real" family day that we had was Sunday. Consequently, church got kicked to the curb. GOD did not, but the act or worship did.
When the "button" was about nine, he was at Bible school and "the Jonah and the whale thing" came up. The "button" who still believed in Santa, the Easter bunny and the tooth fairy could not and would not digest the "Jonah and the whale thing." His words. He just could not let go of Jonah and how this simply could never have happened. I explained, very simply to him, that with God, all things are possible.
In the last year and half, if I have told him once, I have told him one hundred times, "Quit Fighting God. He has a different plan for you and you need to follow not Fight." To no avail I told him this one hundred times. He refused to listen.
What is it about kids that you can say it and they don't hear it, but someone else can say it and they do?
With the help of Josh Hamilton, the "button" started thinking about GOD.
And, I was at Books a Million they other day and there was a clearance section. For three dollars, this book had the seven most important things for you life in it. I didn't even look to see who wrote it, I glanced through it and found about four pages that talked about how nothing good ever came from drugging and drinking. Sold!.
We have all heard and experienced folks going to summer camp and seeing the light. I myself have said the same thing that others have said, "if they believed before, maybe they wouldn't be in this mess" or "replaced one addiction with another." Been there, thought it,said it.
That was all before my son went to summer camp.
Anyway, he read the book. And the Josh Hamliton book.
In a phone conversation this weekend, he says to me that "he has been thinking of this whole God thing and I think that I am starting to understand the God thing. I don't want to be one of those people that sits here and gets all religious in summer camp but I have had time to think about it and this one book you sent is about Faith and God."
WOW! Not any mention of Jonah.
I sent my son a letter. It went a little like this.
"Religion isn't something that you "get". It is something that you feel, in your heart, in your being. It is not about going to church every Sunday, it is about what is in your heart. Your heart directs your being. It guides you and carries you. Religion is about knowing that God is with you and He has a plan for you and thus HE guides you. It is knowing that you are protected. Look at the sun, the sunbeams and the storm clouds behind them and you will know that someone created these.
You, of all people, should feel God. He has a plan for you and it is big. You need to pay attention to HIS plan. There are not coincidences. They are works from GOD. GOD has decided that you are not going to be an addict or a law breaker. This is why you keep getting caught. You know in your heart that you are not this person. You just keep fighting GOD and the plan. There is a reason thought that you have fought. I don't know what it is, I just know it exists.
I know you won't win if you fight God. Let go. Let God. Let God rule you. You don't have to put on you Sunday best to feel him, just open up your heart. Pay attention. Josh Hamilton will tell you that his life changed when he let God in it. Books, rehabs and other people will tell you that God can rule you. Let God in your heart.
I always wanted to be a mom. When my first marriage ended, so did my chance to become at motherhood. And then your dad came but he already had two grown daughters. Why would he want to start over? As much as I loved him, I loved the thought of being a mom more. When you came, God answered my life long prayer. He sent you to me. He knew you would need someone more stubborn than you. He knew that you needed someone who wouldn't give up and He knew that you need more than the usual amount of guidance and conviction. He answered mine, I will answer HIS. You have been one of God's gifts to me and I will not stop. You want to fight God, that means fighting me too. Let's quit fighting and start living, in a positive light.
I start my day, everyday, with a prayer. Sometimes it is on the treadmill, in the car, wherever. Bad things happen to good people. Great things happen to good people after they get through the bad. Josh Hamilton is the perfect example. He changed his habits, he opened up his heart to God.
We can do this. Your life will turn around. All you need to do is open up your heart. That is fair. This is God's plan.
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