it wasn't supposed to be this way, but...: Over the river and through the woods...to summer c...

it wasn't supposed to be this way, but...: Over the river and through the woods...to summer c...: In a decision that shocked even myself, we took Walker and Addie to visit the "button" today at summer camp/ fall semester. On the way, th...

Over the river and through the woods...to summer camp we go...Addie and Walker's big trip

In a decision that shocked even myself, we took Walker and Addie to visit the "button" today at summer camp/ fall semester.

On the way, the radio was on.  "Over the river and through the woods, to Grandmother's house we go" was playing.  I could not help but think, "to summer camp we go, the car knows the way, and mom won't want us to stay at summer camp for the day."  Those lyrics were never written.

Anyway, we went. 

I have always had my list of NEVERS.  I would never pose nude, never put a satellite dish painted like a pizza in my front yard and I would never take my kids to summer camp.  One down, two to go. 

The list of questions that came from the both kids were endless.  And, they needed resolution.  Closure and comfort.  My gut very seldom steers me wrong, and this time, it didn't say no.  So, we said yes.  Don't pass judgement just yet, I never thought this was the correct thing to do before.  No, it wasn't the holiday sentiment.  The kids were out of school early and we all are healing.Perfect timing.  I wanted them to have their questions on the ceiling answered. 

We didn't tell the "button" they were coming.

We got up to the visitor's room and as luck would have it, we were the only ones there.  And Walker and Addie hid.  And out came the "button".  The "button" smiled as big as he could smile.  And they were happy.  Once again, not up us, it was about them.  And yes, the touched hands through the glass.  And that prompted me to do it as well.  Something I could not bring myself to do before today. 

And THREE different times today, I sang OUT LOUD. I looked up at the sky and sang to the the ANGELS.  Nobody was there, remember?  I could get away with this today.   He is growing up.  He is becoming a man.  He will have a future.  He even said that he can see now "where women can get a guy in trouble".  You had to be there, it was funny.

The "button" did verbally acknowledge that he never wanted them to see him this way.  He is the BIG brother but he understood and was sooooo glad they were there.  He was humbled. 

Walker and Addie did fine.  We laughed and fist pumped at the glass.   There is a reason this happened to our family.  We have been tested and we are passing.  We will make it.  We will smile at this later, not sure we will laugh, we will just smile.

Walker, Addie and me got back in the car.  Thanksgiving is tomorrow.  Preparations galore.  While there is one less plate at my table this year, there is a plate full of hope in my heart  for my family.  For this, I am so thankful.

it wasn't supposed to be this way, but...: Life's Little Instructions #318

it wasn't supposed to be this way, but...: Life's Little Instructions #318: The other day when I was cleaning some random bathroom, I noticed the book, Life's Little Instructions. I picked it up and read through i...

Life's Little Instructions #318

The other day when I was cleaning some random bathroom, I noticed the book, Life's Little Instructions.


I picked it up and read through it.  Although I have read this book several times, I felt compelled to take a few and glance through it again.  There it was, #318.  "Never pass judgement until you have heard both sides of the story."


The other day, I was waiting to pick up the kids when I realized I was early, time change and all.  So, I went into a new shop that opened in our town.


As I walked in, I was greeted by a woman behind the counter and another lady on the other side both drinking their Dunkin Donut coffee engrossed in a huge conversation.


It went something like this, "and I heard that they haven't even been to visit him, 30 days in jail and they haven't been to see him, a young boy like that".  Now, let's be honest, even if I wasn't in the situation that I am now, I am sure that my ears would perk up...now...they were at attention.


"Yeah, I mean what do they expect him to learn there, it cannot be good and to not visit him or to not get him out.  He will NEVER be able to go to college and his brilliant WRESTLING career is GOODBYE." 


Okay, I couldn't believe it.  I mean, we live in a small town and while I don't know these women, I am convinced they are discussing  my situation.  I am not 100% sure but come on now.


And it went on..."I mean what are they teaching their other children, that you can bail (no pun intended I am sure)on your kid after they make a mistake.


And so I did what every other woman would have done, I said nothing.  I know, eighth wonder of the world, right?


Instead, I wrote me name down on a piece of paper, along with my phone number and went to the counter.  I asked about some piece of furniture and wanting it in another color.  Of course she didn't have it so I handed her the paper and said, "well, here is my name and number and if you get it in that color, please call."


I walked out with my shoulders back, my head held high and the twinkle of the bells behind me. 


What I really wanted to do was say, "Hey, you behind the counter in a retail shop, are you an antiques dealer or a social/substance abuse advisor who needed a second job?  Did you ever get your doctorate in psychology?  Do you EVEN KNOW my kid?  And, did you even make one thing in here or did you buy it at an auction since you are so smart?"


But, I didn't. 


I thought about if 100 times.  Per day.  Times seven days.  About 700 times.  I should go back and give her the book with only #318 in it.


And of course, I thought, are we doing the right thing for the "button."


And then the dreaded phone call came.  I have been DREADING WRESTLING SEASON.  I have been dreading facing people, I have been dreading the questions, I have been dreading the stares and the whispers but more than all of that, I have been dreading the smell of the wrestling room, the smell of sweaty wrestlers and the excitement of the season.  I KNEW it would make me miss my son, miss seeing my immaculate son doing what he loves so much and being so good at it, and I would miss the hope and promise that wrestling brought to our family. 


I got the call, "would you help and wait till you see the new wrestling room."


Sure, I want to help.  My ENTIRE family has benefited from wrestling but thank goodness we are going to a football game to get out of helping with one event.  But, I still had to take Walker to the new wrestling building.  I still had to face people. 



And I did it.  I was truly happy the boys had such a nice, new facility and I was greeted with smiles and genuine affection.  It was painless.  I dropped off the boys and wondered where the year had gone.  Just last year the button was a senior and so excited about being a captain of the team and his goals and how important the season would be to his future.

Wow.

I made the drop off and the connection with no tears or sadness in my heart, okay, maybe there was a little disappointment.  But, I did it.  But more importantly, I realized that those who know us best, have read #318, "Never pass judgement until you have heard both sides of the story."

it wasn't supposed to be this way, but...: We are just an embryo....I have a project.

it wasn't supposed to be this way, but...: We are just an embryo....I have a project.: Last night was one of the most exciting nights of my life, and I didn't even have a new outfit for the evening. I had a meeting at my home...

We are just an embryo....I have a project.

Last night was one of the most exciting nights of my life, and I didn't even have a new outfit for the evening.

I had a meeting at my home.  I had no idea if anyone was coming. 

Put they did.  Moms came and a very handsome lone ranger.

We were parents of "troubled" teens. 

We were emotional.  We had a lot to say.  We have a lot of feelings.

And we have a goal.  We want to end the madness, the drinking, the drugging, the doping, the dipping and the dumb ass decisions.

Now, the project?  How we get there. 

Nothing like a bunch of women, pissed off women, on a mission, getting things done.

If a bunch of ladies can march to Washington, DC and get the drinking age changed in the USA, surely we can get things done in one little county. 

For the first time in weeks, I am excited.

Franklin and I have believed that there was a reason that this hell showed up at our door.  We were chosen to make a difference.

This is about the Walkers and the Addies.  They too will grow up soon and be faced with difficult decisions.  Information is power. 

I am so excited.  Excited about the ladies I met and what they have to contribute. 

I am excited about what we can do together.  I am excited about the differences we can make and the families we will never know we saved.

it wasn't supposed to be this way, but...: the person on the other side of the mirror

it wasn't supposed to be this way, but...: the person on the other side of the mirror: I had a meeting with the "button" the other day at "fall semester". I sat there in the chair waiting for the "button". I had written an a...

the person on the other side of the mirror

I had a meeting with the "button" the other day at "fall semester".

I sat there in the chair waiting for the "button".  I had written an agenda on the back of my hand so I could stay focused.

Nothing, nothing, nothing can prepare you for seeing your child in orange and in handcuffs.  Nothing. 

There he was and there went the agenda right out the window.

As he sat down, there we were, mother and son seperated by a glass window. 

My grandmother always said that the "button" was "like a fart in a skillet, all over the place."  Wow, she should have been here. 

He was, all over the place emotionally.  Maybe he was excited, nervous, happy, who knows but his emotions were everywhere, kind of like my pms emotions.

Anyway, after the business was discussed, I asked the dreaded questions, "just how bad is your drinking problem?"

He responded, "not that bad, I just needed more counseling."

It was at that moment that I know I was overcome by a cartoon character....My eyes BULGED out of their sockets and were protuding forward with my hands gripped on the counter securing me in the chair instead of going through the glass..."isn't that what the rehab center was for?"  I had to ask.

I sat there and looked at him and was soooo caught off guard.  He needed a haircut, he looked like he hadn't slept in about four months and his skin looked dull. The "button" is neat as pin and always has a short haircut and it was just hard to look at him.

I must tell you, this wasn't a scene from a movie with some adoring mother on the other side holding her hand up to the glass for him to reach out and touch.

I wondered, when he looked through the glass, did he see a loving mother or did he "really" see me?  Could he see that instead of the hand connecting on the glass, I wanted to take my hands and put them around his neck?  Did the see this?  Could he feel it?  Is that why he was soooo all over the place? 

It had never occured to me that he might be looking at me differently.  Did he see how poorly I looked?  Did he notice the stress on my face or did he just think that my anti-aging cream wasn't working like it said it would on tv?  Did he notice my bags under the eyes and that my skin was red and dewey from the tears I shed in my car before I walked in?

And it wasn't mentioned.  The glass was between us.  My child is twenty miles away and I cannot talk to him, touch him or see him.  That damn glass was like an ocean seperating two continents.

I left emotionally drained.  I honestly should not have gone.  I wasn't ready.  I am still angry, hurt, devastated and in despair.  I should have waited.  You  know what they say, "if its and buts were candy and nuts, we would all have a flipping Merry Christmas."

I have thought so much about the meeting.  I have thought so much about everything.  I am thought out.  I cannot think anymore.  I need a project.  I guess I could wash my windows.