Fire Paw Coyote

Well, the men are home.  Both of them.  After 42 days in the Tonto National Forest, the "making of a walking" is complete.

Fire Paw Coyote and Rising Lion of the Moon came home on Saturday.

And so it begins, again.

The past couple days of have been filled with tales of the trail and lessons learned, sights seen and smells.  Seriously, my son could win Survivor.  He can start and make fire without matches or flint, aka, busting a coal, eat rations of food, find wood to carve from, carve eating utensils, etc.  He did it. 

And somewhere along the trail you learn to communicate effectively with people, learn to appreciate your family, the things you have at home, you learn to feel and
understand the greatness that each of has within and you learn to embrace your greatness and plan your goals accordingly so that you may always walk forward in life.

Back at home, we learned too.  We learned to find peace in our hearts.  When raising teenagers, that peace is sometimes very hard to find.  We have it.

 I have learned and absorbed that there are "seeds of greatness" in all.  What makes me sad is that my son went to this program for me to learn it.  I have known it all along but somehow, going through life, I tossed it to the side.  When "Fire Paw Coyote" first began his walk, we had to write him a "seeds of greatness letter."  Basically, it is a letter that talks about the beginning of their life and what you remember about them, the books they liked, when they learned to ride a bike, favorite movie, etc.  You would be amazed at what writing that letter does to your heart.  And then, I had to write one to Franklin.  Wow, that letter and the fact that I was reading "Fifty Shades of Grey" at the time, changed the way we acted.  Franklin of course had to write to me as well.

I am ashamed to say that I had never written one of these letters to my parents, my husband or my kids until now.  I am going to give one of these letters to my kids every year, from now on in their birthday cards. These letters change hearts.

All of this program is based on Indian ways and beliefs. 

Names were given.  Getting "your name" is such an honor.  I was named "Vibrant White Owl of the Mountain."  It is the name that was given to me by the "button" with details to intimate to share.  I can tell you, this was not a five minute process.  He really thought about it and then made me a memory pouch to keep the paper from the naming ceremony in it, close to my heart.  Seriously, maybe it is the inner Girl Scout in me, it was one of the most beautiful things I ever experienced.  Very organic.  

And so it begins.  Again.  What is next? I Don't have a clue.  I am out of the soothsaying business.   

One thing I know for sure,  you are NEVER too old to appreciate and feel new things and new beginnings.  You owe it to your heart and your inner self to open up your eyes and see new things or old things in new ways.  I have always been a lover of the outdoors and nature and now I am more convinced than ever that God's works do conquer and create peace.  I also am amazed how God puts people where they need to be and with whom they need to be with at that time.


In my life, I have been blessed to have had several of those "OH" moment experiences, one with my parents and a few without.  Nonetheless, we all benefited from the experiences.  These moments are all part of my inner being.  I am so glad that this will be one of his and one of ours as well. 

A year ago today, I was a frantic mess.  I had a heart at war and a heart spewing chaos.  Today I am the Vibrant White Owl of the Mountain, mother of Fire Paw Coyote, and I have spoken.

A Walkabout

In the Australian culture, aborigines take the males on a "walkabout" as they enter adolescence.  This walkabout is a spiritual journey that is the passage from being a boy to becoming a man.

Today, Franklin begins his journey to the wilderness to "walkabout with the button."

No, we have not spoken to "the button."  We do get letters on a weekly basis but we do not speak with him.

While the "button" has been walking in the wilderness, living off the land, carving feeding utensils and talking, we have been doing the same.  We just have air conditioning.


Our journey has been via the phone with therapists and parents from all over the United States.  Again, if you take your troubles and put them in a bag and go to market, I am now 100% sure, you would leave with your original bag.  Oh, the stories and the broken hearts and spirits during group therapy. 

During this past year, if I had a nickle for every person who has said, "if you could just get him out of here."  Well, I am here to tell you that every state in the union is represented there.  It only matters who you are and not where you are.

People have written or called and asked me questions about this program.
Why did we chose it?  It spoke to me.  It is truly that simple.  I researched and researched and researched and this program spoke to me.  The questionnaire made my head spin and even though over a million people have googled it, I really felt like that page was speaking to little old me.

And, this program is about EVERYONE at our address.  For the first time, the first question was not, "what type of insurance do you have and how are you going to pay for this.?" 

It was organic and about the entire family and all of us have participated.

What have I learned?  Very simple, a heart at peace is much more productive than a heart at war.  That statement is so very easy to write but so challenging to get there.  One year ago when the storm began, we all had hearts at war.  All the wars were different, but they were there.  I had a storm, Franklin, Walker, Addie and the "button" all had hearts at war.  All different, but there. 

Once I saw a three minute segment on the Oprah show.  I don't know who said it but what they said was so meaningful to me, "the more energy you give something, positive or negative, the bigger it becomes."  When your heart is at war, nothing very positive will come. 

This program has changed our hearts, our outlooks and our goals.  It has also changed our "being".  We listen more, we talk more and we speak to one another like we are real people and not objects.  Trust me, Franklin is getting a T-shirt that says, "not an object" on it.  As you go through life, day to day life, it is so very easy to sometimes bark out orders, answer shortly or curtly and not listen.  It is easy and we are ALL guilty of it.  We have spent hours changing our hearts here under the air conditioned roof while the "button" has practiced this, and many more things under moonlight skies.

Is the "button" fixed?  I hate that question.  Hate it and struggle immensely when asked.  My son is a child.  He is not broken.  He just needed help.  Like glasses.  We got him some glasses that look into his heart and his mind.

Am I hopeful?  Of course I am.  And, I am at peace.  A year ago, I didn't leave my house.   I was a mess.  Not today.  I am at peace.

I am excited for the men in my life.  I wish I was with them.  I am certainly there in spirit.  And they are in my heart. And this heart is a peaceful heart. 

Goodnight Moon

We are "moon" people at our home.  We watch the moon, we talk about the moon, we take pictures of the moon.  We are in awe of the moon.

When Walker and Addie were babies, the room was done in moons and stars. We are celestial people.

Years ago, when my brother and I lived in Switzerland, despite all the beauty around us, the thing that inspired me the most, was the moon.  I just could not imagine that a moon so big and lovely was the same moon that was in the sky in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.  It just seemed to me that each country should go "moon shopping"  I was in awe of the moon.

In Switzerland, we would sometimes go down to the mountain to town.  When the boss man was in a good mood, he would let my brother drive "la machine". It was a big "rat track" or a snow machine with a HUGE open back for supplies.  On these nights, it was for partying Swiss folks and some stow away Americans.  As would we travel down or up the mountain under starry skies, the moon seemed like we could reach out and touch it, hang from it or jump on it.  I still can remember those nights, the smell of the snow, the laughter of Swiss people, faint smell of red wine and the moon shining down on us.

During our group therapy sessions, with parents all over the United States, the one thing that gives us all comfort is the moon.  It is the only thing that parents and "walking" children have in common.  We get to see the moon nightly and we know that somewhere in a forest, our children are there. 

And when we open our letters, the children also talk about the moon.  Instead of nightly fireside chats (the fireside chats have been cancelled because our children are also surrounded by forest fires, ugh, that is another blog) they have starry chats.  This is where they lay under the stars and have their "group therapy sessions".  A new spin on therapy.

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: You reap what you sow...

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: You reap what you sow...: Months ago, I was a broken seed.  I blogged about it.  And, I planted.  And planted and planted.  My Pastor spoke and I listened.  And then ...

You reap what you sow...

Months ago, I was a broken seed.  I blogged about it.  And, I planted.  And planted and planted.  My Pastor spoke and I listened.  And then I said, "Limbo sucks."

We put on our Tigger suits and we went went into action.

Off to the wilderness.  Let nature and God intervene. "Let Go and Let God."

Yesterday, this is what greeted me.

One year ago, my family was broken, my heart at war.

Last night, Franklin and I participated in our group therapy session.

Again, "if you take your troubles to the market, chances are you will leave with your basket."

Mothers and fathers, with hearts at war, spoke with ache and defeat in their voices.  One mother has a 10 and a 13 year old, the 13 year old is "on the trail."  Walker is 10.  Ugh.

Another mother was fiercely determined to "fix" her son.  She was sure that this program had a 100 percent guarantee for life.  She had a heart at war.  She had her fists up and was ready to still fight.  She was not ready to change herself.  She just wanted her son to change. 

I sat and listened and listened and listened. 

It is so easy to listen and empathize with these parents.  I have been that "fix it" mom, whether he wanted it or not.  The mother who said, "you are going to have fun, now suck it up and smile, damn it." 

Franklin and I have embraced this program. "You reap what you sow."  We have put  our arms around the program and we have read and absorbed and listened and learned.  And, we have put our fists down and have embraced change to walk forward.

The therapy is designed to put all of the family on the same trail...and the entire  family walk forward.   Fill you heart with love and positive energy.  The more energy you give something, positive or negative, the bigger it becomes.  Fill your heart with love.  Treat and speak to people like they are people and not objects. 

We are all about it.  We have learned.  We have looked at our mistakes and shrugged our shoulders.  Child rearing doesn't come with a replay button or a crystal ball.

Are our kids going to make mistakes?  Yep.  Am I?  Yep.  It is all in how you handle it and your attitude.

I have planted my garden.  I will take bright, happy sunflowers any day of the week.  Weeds suck.  The soil makes all the difference.  Franklin and I are working on fertilizing the soil, even scraps make  compost.  Compost makes fabulous soil.

If you plant your seeds in great soil, the seeds will break, sprout new life and then, you will reap what you sow.  For the first time in a year, I am so looking forward to how this garden will blossom.

oh, PS.  Walker took that picture.

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: From the inside out

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: From the inside out: Today, after work, I decided to take advantage of where I live and I went for a massive power walk on the beach. The season is just is jus...

From the inside out

Today, after work, I decided to take advantage of where I live and I went for a massive power walk on the beach.

The season is just is just beginning and the beach was full and older couples, grandparents with grandchildren and kids out of college.

I was a power walking fool on a mission.

I walked toward the less populated part of the beach and was amazed how empty it was.

And then, I came across a little girl playing in the water with her grandfather.  Her parents were perfectly poised in their beach chairs as they watched the two in the water.  Both parents were grinning from ear to ear. 

The lanky young girl had on a darling bathing suit.  Red and white gingham check ( I love gingham anything) with her little matching hat and her ruffles all over those bum cheeks.  Adorable.  She squealed with delight as grand daddy would left her out of the water and you could feel that she was his heart.  I smiled inside and out watching this.

She pranced like Bambi on that spring time morning with the butterflies and the animals in the forest.  She was having the time of her life.

I was one of those very fortunate people who had a set of wonderful grand parents and my heart always grows fifty sizes bigger when I see others experiencing this as well.

I looked again at the parents and how happy they were and then I glanced over my shoulder  one more time at the young girl.  And then I saw it.

I almost stopped in my tracks. My stomach turned and I felt every internal organ in my body. head to my throat.

She (Bambi) was SEVERELY burned  on her face and neck.  Notice the caps in the word severely.  My heart ached.  I continued my walk but all I could think about was her and the pain she had endured and the heartache her family endured.  I also thought about the pain forth coming from future operations. 

As I walked, I just kept thinking about Bambi in the red and white gingham check bikini laughing and squealing with delight.  Wow, what a spirit she must have and what a story under  there covered in red and white gingham.

On the return trip, I could see them from the distance. Grand daddy was still in the water with her and it looked like he was timing her sprints.  Man, Bambi could run. 

As I got closer, I saw one little girl in a Peace sign bathing suit, short and stocky with a sassy haircut approaching Bambi.  Short and Sassy was getting there just as I was and she walked up to Bambi and asked, "Hey Girl, do you want to play?"

Bambi looked over her shoulder to make sure that Short and Sassy was indeed speaking to her and she says, "Sure."  Bambi's "sure" also had an attitude.  It was the "okay,  I am really busy today but sure, for now."

As a mom, I wasn't quite sure what Short and Sassy was going to say but I am pretty sure that my first guess wasn't "Hey girl, do you want to play?"  I would have guessed, "what happened to you?"

Now at this point, I stop walking and pretend to be readjusting my shoe.  What I was really doing was watching Bambi's parents who were perched out of the beach chairs with grins that you could see from space. Bambi's mom had her neck stretched like  a mama giraffe. As Bambi walked away to Short and Sassy's "area", she looked up at her parents, who nodded and she knew she had the parental "go ahead" and the WHOLE time, Grand daddy just stood there was a smile as big as the ocean behind him.

I felt the gooiest of warmth in my heart.  God puts us all where we need to be at any moment.  Bambi needed a beach buddy and Short and Sassy was the perfect match and the parent's needed to know that some people can see a spirit for the inside out.  I felt like I was the luckiest because I got to see it all and it warmed my heart.

My best friend always says that if you take your basket of troubles to the Trouble market, chances are you will leave with your original basket.

Isn't that the truth?

I walked back with a smile.  Originally, when I saw Bambi, I envied her for the frolic in the ocean spray with her grand dad.  Then, I was heartsick for her.  And then again, happy.  But the person I was happiest for the most was Grand daddy.  Despite his age, just when he thought he had seen it all, he witnessed one little short and sassy Peace sign bathing suit, bring a different kind of Peace when she bypassed a physical issue and looked from the inside out.