Recovery=Relapse

Chicken or egg?

Marrige or divorce?

Diet or weight loss?

Recovery and Relapse go together.  So sad.  You cannot recover if you have never relapsed.

You cannot get divorced if you never married.  Cannot lose weight if you never dieted.

No chicken, no clucking.

The "button" relapsed.   He left. Hasn't lived at home in about 13 days and has gotten ANOTHER drinking ticket. You read correctly.

The people that have lost child and they never found the body, those are the people that  I have the greatest respect.  They go to be every night with an ache in their heart and get up in the morning and do their thing, still with the ache.  Until they die.

Not knowing where your child is, regardless of age is the hardest thing EVER.  Yes, he is still working.   He does text me but that is it.  I found out about the drinking ticket via the mother network.  So, the beat goes on.

I have started a diet every Monday of my life.  Every Monday.  I am 51.  Every  Monday.  Do you know how many Mondays' that is?  I relapse every Monday by 11am.  I am the weight loss "button." 

Please don't think, "oh those poor people" or "that stupid kid". 

We have more kids to raise.  The story isn't written yet.  The "button's" story isn' written yet either.

What has been amazing this time is the way we have handled it.  We haven't driven all over looking for him, we haven't called his work or driven by, we haven't called or text, we haven't Facebook stalked or lost sleep.  I haven't eaten baguettes or sugar, just a spoonful of icecream, and I have been running.  I have slept like a baby.  I just wake up earlier.

The "gift" has been this situation has opened up conversations about the "gift of choice" with Walker and Addie.  These conversations have been powerful and meaningful.  These conversations have also opened up the importance and the power of genetics.  They have also taught my kids that you will make a mistake.  When you do, it is okay to ask for help.

Without the progam in the mountains, Franklin and I may be seen pounding our heads on cement.  Instead, we just regrouped.  Together. 

We have a life, we are living it. 

As a parent, you cannot control your kids, at any age.  They are going to do what they are going to do.  Your job is to love unconditionally and model.  BE the best that you can be. Love and listen.   That is it. 

I got up this morning, got on the treadmill and said a prayer, "let go and let God."  My life is not a treadmill. It is a mountain.  I am going to climb it.  Recovery is a part of our lives now.  And will be for a long time.  Relapse is now part of our lives too.  Cannot have one without the other.