I really don't have the words for a title

I was told by my friend Kelly, that I really do need to blog more often.  I do.  Lately, I just couldn't.


Three weeks ago tonight, the "button" left the house in the middle of the night.

There have been a few sightings and some text messages, but no "real" contact with him.

Franklin and I were taught that this is his life and his decisions and his successes and his failures.  Translation, "his deal."  We were advised, let it go its course.  Let Go and Let God.

We did.  It resulted in another underage drinking ticket.  That is what we knew.

And then, the "button" came to his senses, a little.

I have noticed that his arrests come on holiday weekends.  Labor Day was here. 

I invited him for dinner.  He might come, he might not but how could an invite hurt.

And guess what, he came.  He was dirty but he was straight.  And nice, and calm, and relaxed and appreciative and kind.  And he talked, alot.  He spoke like he was talking to himself, like we were not there, he just talked.  He talked about his future and how hard he had made it,  He owned up.  He talked about his bad decision making skills in actions and friends.  And he hugged us and told us he loved us.  And then he left.

I was so happy.  My son had come to dinner, straight and he was "fire paw coyote."  He was the man who came home in July.

On Tuesday, I got a call from the Police Department.  After Fire Paw Coyote left our house, he went across the bridge and all hell broke lose.  He was ticketed or arrested four times in about six hours.  Yep, I know, it could be a World Record, I haven't checked. 

And my husband and I were like the people in Addie's doll house.  We had hair, no brains, no hearts and no feelings.  We were "just there".

The next forty-eight hours were a blur.  We discovered that things were missing from the "button's" car, we discovered that he got a bondsman and got out of summer camp.  And, we discovered two people trying to break into our cars at 1am. 


We layed awake and tried to think about what he was or wasn't thinking, what to do to help him from spiraling more out of control and remaining safe and protecting the innocent. 

The wilderness program taught us so much and now we really had to remember it all, or at least some of it, and let our hearts be at peace.

We did.  For the most part.  There was an incident that may have changed our family forever.

The end result was a phone call from my son that took my breath away.  I am sure that when I die it will still be very raw in my heart.  It was the kind of conversation that is way to painful or private to share.  It was one of those moments in your life, that if it was taped and put on the big screen, you would melt.  And someone may win an Academy Award for having participated in the conversation. 

Regardless, it left my heart hollow.  Empty.  Frail and fragile.  Depleted.  Sad.

No, we have no idea where our child is, who he is with, where he is staying, if he is alive, his phone number, if he has eatern, nothing.  Vanished.  More than likely, it will stay this way for awhile.

And, we had to tell the kids.  Sometimes, those tasks we don't want to do end up being the easiest.

Addie just said,  "she's done."  She will pray but she cannot take it anymore.

Walker, who ADORES the "button" said, "it's okay mom."  "You cannot fix somebody.  And he doesn't want to be fixed."

And so it goes.  Again.  It is different this time.  I know it and feel it in my heart. 

I am like that lady in Addie's doll house.  I am in the house, I am dressed and I have hair.  I am in the kitchen. My heart is somewhere else.

I am so blessed that I started a new job and it consumes me 8-5 instead of my being consumed 24-7.

The program in the wilderness was not a waste, not for me.  I have peace in my heart.  I have been a damn good person, mother and friend.  Not perfect, but damn good.  I have made mistakes and will make more.  I do my best to clean up my mistakes and learn and move forward.  Truly in my code of ethics,I feel that is not the mistakes that you make that matter, how you clean them up shows what kind of person you really are.

I am at peace with my role in this.  I am not at peace as how this will more than likely end but I cannot stop it, control it or contain it.  It is not mine to control. 

I took a few minutes today and read over earlier posts.  I was so hopeful.  And now, all I have is hope and I am not as hopeful.  I have hope.  It is in my heart.  Let's just say I wouldn't need an overnight bag to carry it in.

Miracles happen every day.  The Good Lord does work in mysterious ways.  I have put my trust in God and let my heart be at peace.  This is all I can do.