what are you on?

I am constantly asked, "are you on anything?" 

Okay, how bad must you look and act for people to ask you if you are on anything?  I am not offended when asked this question. 

Yes, I am on something.

Baguettes and desserts.

If I get started talking about something that works me up, I reach for a baguette.  I could eat the whole thing.  No butter, plain.  A whole baguette. 

Then, I crave desserts.  Today I made a key lime pie and I guarded it like a kidney in a cooler going to a transplant recipient.   Ridiculous.

Screw Dr. Oz.  Sugar and wheat makes me feel better.  Drizzle some chocolate over it and we have a winner.  Chocolate makes you feel better and it doesn't hurt anything or anybody.

Sugary carbs have their benefits.  You don't need a prescription, you can get them anywhere, and they can travel with you.  They are legal.  (that's a biggie with me)

Whenever you are down, pop a pretzel in your mouth. 

Think about it, I am addicted to carbs and sugar because I am stressed out because my "button" used "other" things to make him feel better.  It is like wiping your ass with a hula-hoop.  Stressed again...dessert spelled backwards.

So today, I made a promise to myself and to a nice friend of mine.  She was one of the nice girls who asked, "are you on anything?"  We decided that my affection for sugary carbs would get me a finger pricker to test my sugar levels every morning.  My mom has one and that is like a mini-van with wood paneling to me.  Not happening.

So, I am putting it out there, I am revamping my diet.  If you are one of the recipients of new recipes, we are breaking up for awhile.  And to my boyfriends the baguettes, I will miss the smell of your waxy paper and crusty outsides.  But, we will meet again, I am sure.

ps. 
the picture above is the best lemon cake ever...the recipe is simple...
1 box Duncan Hines Lemon supreme cake mix
1 box cook and serve lemon pudding
2/3 cup oil
1 cup water
4 eggs
4 tablespoons of lemon juice

glaze for when it comes out of the oven, powdered sugar and lemon juice.
bake about one hour...at 350 degrees in a bundt pan....you will be addicted too

Happy birthday Walker and Josh Hamilton

People often ask me, "How is Walker doing?"

Walker loves the"button".  Loves him.  Looks up to him, thinks about him, dresses like him, orders a sub like him, washes with his body wash and basically tries to me a mini.

Walker is also the "gentle heart" in our family.  He misses the "button", terribly.

Walker has had a project in school, the Bio cube.  Basically, you pick a famous North Carolinian and write about that person and then present as that person.  Oh, I was soooo getting an A.  Charles Kuralt...stuffing  Walker, making a backdrop where he could sit and present his story, I had it all figured out.

Hmmm....funny thing happened on the way to the Bio Cube.

Walker and I were in the car going somewhere and he asked me, "are you thinking about the "button" right now?"

"Yes".  "Walker do you think that the "button" will get this all worked out?"

"Oh yes, the "button" is the next Josh Hamilton."

"Who is Josh Hamilton?"

Wow, my kid did his homework.  Josh Hamilton is a famous Texas Ranger baseball player, who in 1999, signed for the most money as a first round draft pick.  He was born outside of Raleigh, NC and is one heck of a ball player. Funny thing is, on his path to success, he got involved with the wrong gang, became a drug addict and was suspended for the NBL and became a grounds crew person after several attempts at rehab.  Amazingly, after a few years, he still could throw a ball at 95 mph.  He went before the National Baseball League, pleaded his case and his sobriety.  He was signed to the Texas Rangers and just this week had the most amazing baseball week ever...a bunch of home runs,four to be exact and doubles and RBI's.

Screw Charles Kuralt.  Josh Hamilton is cool and also covered with amazing tattoos.  Josh Hamilton won the place in the Bio-Cube assignment.

What was most amazing was Walker's presentation to his class.  While I wasn't there, a little bird did tell me that he was amazing.  Oh, and not a bit of help from mom.  Just his heart.

All you have to do is mention drugs and alcohol to a bunch of classmates who know your story and you become captivating.

And somebody asked, "did he go to jail?"
Walker explained to the class that jail just doesn't affect that person, it affects the entire family and just because you go to jail does not mean that you are a bad person.

So there, out of the mouths of babes.  Rock on Walker.

Today is Walker's birthday.  Ten.  Ten years old.  And wise beyond his years.  The "button's " birthday is May 9, and Josh Hamilton was born on May 21. 

Honestly, I just don't think that Josh Hamilton knows what kind of an influence he has had on our family.  There is a ten year old who still has hope because of him and a 19 year old who feel like if Josh can do it, so can he.  And if this happens, all three will be rewarded.

Somehow, I think that Charles Kuralt would have loved this story.

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: the day after mother's day

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: the day after mother's day: So, today is the "day after Mother's day".  The kids bickered, the dirty towels were on the floor and I "didn't understand that this is NO...

the day after mother's day

So, today is the "day after Mother's day".  The kids bickered, the dirty towels were on the floor and I "didn't understand that this is NOT what they like to eat for lunch" and the hustle and bustle began.

The Day after Mother's Day.  This is the day when mothers should unite and meet for manis and pedis all across the world.  A day of peace.

Yesterday, I had an unusual mother's day.  We ventured out of the small coastal town and drove to the big city.  This was after the breakfast in bed and Hallmark cards and hugs and kisses and the typical Mother's day fanfare. 

We went to see WICKED.  That's right, WICKED.  Yeah for me for making this happen and Yeah for the my husband and son for going with smiles on their faces.

Yes, it was wonderful. 

And during this song, I feel apart.  Not for the reasons that you think.  I feel apart from bliss.

I listened, really listened to the words of this song and I thought about what they meant to me.

Because of all of my children, I have been changed for good.  Without them, the following would never have happened to me.

I never would have held someones hair back while they vomited on my feet...I never would have known the pain of stepping on a Lego in the darkness of night...never would have checked a boy's butt for ticks or a boy for ringworm...never would have pulled a fishhook from a finger...never would have listened to Hot cross Buns played from a recorder with such enthusiasm...never would have watched all six episodes of Dragon Ball Z ...never would have spent tireless hours searching for the perfect flower girl dress and Halloween costume...never would have spent hours planning and executing perfect birthday parties...never would have gone to summer camp...never would know a ton about treatment, recovery and relapse and never would know what it means to have your child hold your hand while you are driving and singing "Hey Soul Sister". 

The reality is, I love being a mom.  And even though this past year has SUCKED with a capital S, it didn't kill me.  

So, I picked up the dirty towels, cleaned the kitchen and made the beds and even reread my cards from yesterday and I started about my day. 

I have been changed, for http://youtu.be/m4BjwTzEZw8

dysfunctional greeting cards

For years, I have asked my friends if they wanted to start a line of dysfunctional greeting cards with me.  I never did it and I have heard that there is such a line now.  I haven't seen them.

Last week, I stood in the Hallmark for hours.  Hours.  Seriously, hours.  It was like that first Valentine's day right after you start dating someone and you have to pick the "perfect" card.  It cannot be too mushy, can't say the "L" word, cannot be too romantic but cannot be too sarcastic.  We have all been there.  This was me, Goldilocks.   Goldilocks looking for the card that was "just right."

Today is the "button's" 19 birthday.  Seriously, there are not cards for those in the corrections facilities.  "Hey, hope you get a cake with a saw in it" or "If somebody does jump out of your cake, hope they have the keys to your cell."  It was brutal. 

Years ago, when I was interviewing for a job, the interview was on a weekend and my birthday.  You cannot go into a job interview saying, "hey, today is my birthday."  I was states away, alone, didn't know a soul and it was before cell phones.  No cake, no candles, no nothing.  I told myself that night in that nasty Comfort Inn that I would always have cake on my b day and if I knew someone who didn't have anyone to celebrate with, I would be the birthday fairy.

Foreshadowing.  Hello.  Hate foreshadowing.  So, today is my son's birthday, regardless of his age, he is alone, no cake, no song, no candles and I cannot imagine anything worse.  A summer camp Birthday. Ugh.

My grandma always said that when company shows up, you wave a little.  When company leaves, you wave your arms off.  That is exactly how I feel about the "button's" 18th year.  Goodbye.

If I could write a line of dysfunctional cards, here is an example.

Hey cousin, nice seeing you at the family reunion.  Best part of the visit,it was nice seeing that Size 0 brides get chunky too.

Seriously, I would love to send one of those.

In the end, I chose Snoopy and Woodstock.  You can never wrong with those two.  It simply said, "it is your birthday.  Celebrate life." 

In the end, even when life is ugly,sad, dark or broken, Celebrate Life.  Isn't that really what it is all about?

what's so devastating?

I spent time the other day with a boy who knows the "button."  What the boy didn't know is that the "button" has siblings. 

The boy was stunned.  And then he asked, "do they know about the button?"

"Well, it is pretty hard to hide a missing person."  I also went on to explain that the "button" is a very positive and productive part of their young lives.  He cooks for them, he takes them to practice, he plays ball with them, video games, takes Addie to horseback and he makes them laugh.  They love him.  They adore him and he has earned their love.

And then I said, "we are all in  therapy and it is helping them.  We are all devastated."

His response was, "what's so devastating about all of this?"

I almost fell over.  And so I continued, "what's so devastating about this?  Well, I have a son who will spend his birthday in summer camp with no cake, no singing, no family and no shoes on his feet but instead a bracelet on his wrist.  I can see him for fifteen minutes a week, maybe, I can not touch him, we cannot speak in private and he has a bleak future a horrible reputation and he will need to go through life like he is running a marathon with no legs and had all the brains, the talent and the great future that a kid could want.  That is what is so devastating.

At first I was so startled.  Now I am not.  Let me just state for the record, I do not think that this boy (almost 20) is alone.  I think it is a generational thing.

My ice cream truck is selling rolling papers.  The Kardashians were awarded a 40 million dollar contract yesterday to keep their "show" on, Snookie is knocked up, her boyfriend is cheating on her and the kid will most likely have fetal alcohol syndrome and none of this phases this generation.  On MTV , there was a week of "congrats snookie" on the birth of you drunken escapade.  Ugh, this is what is so devastating.

Morals and ethics and character have just dried up like magic fairy dust.  Don't teach your kids to go to school, study hard, get a job and do the right thing.  Be a tramp on TV, marry for 72 days, sleep with more guys than states in the union, an you get 40 million dollars.

Last Friday, I did some old fashioned facebook stalking.  It was 4/20 and I just wanted to see.

OMG.  That is all I can say.  "Bring it on, 4/20.  WOOT WOOT".  Kids, you didn't invent 4/20.  Get over yourselves.

Later that night I went to the Spring Fling.  The PTO fundraiser at the elementary school.  Seriously, a huge night if you are in elementary school.  Guess what happened?

A parent, stoned out of his mind, most like on pills, drove his kids to the Spring Fling and was arrested.  Really.  Not making it up.

What is so devastating?  All of they above.  And, if you stand up and try to change it, it is like looking for a kid's tooth at the bottom of the ocean.

The even more devastating thing about all this?  These people who think it is cool that an ice cream truck selling rolling papers will eventually reproduce.  They will become parents. 

I don't know, I hope I am wrong, but I think this is devastating.

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: Broken Seed

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: Broken Seed: "why haven't you blogged?" "I am broken." There you have it, as simple as that, I am broken.  I feel like my life is broken. So, I pl...