The Fifth Season, For Good

 I think it safe to say, I have been going through something.  I think it is "the Fifth Season"

I call it the Fifth Season.  It is a new season and a new time in my life.  My roles have changed.

The road ahead of me is way shorter than the road behind me...It is my Fifth Season.

Long gone are the nights of chaos, smelly clothes from practices, homework reminders and weeks flying by.  Every weekend was also filled planned activities.  Time was flying by.  The years were too.

And now, I fold laundry, (only two loads a week versus two loads a day) to Jeopardy.

My role has changed.  I am no longer a wrestling mom, cheer mom, sending care packages to college dorms, scheduling visits to colleges and giving advice.

My kids are adults.  They don't want my advice...they want to figure it out.  They have flown the nest.

 They are navigating without me.  I am not included.  The hardest reality to process. 

While they were flying away from the nest, I have been retreating into the nest.

My girlfriend called and asked me if I was going to a party that we were both invited ..."No".

Short and simple.  

"Why is the answer no?"

Let's see which reason she will understand...because I am not washing my face an extra time that day, I will have talked to people all week and will be done talking, I hate driving after dark now, I seriously don't want to wear anything other than Nike shorts and a Sweatshirt with stains and bleach marks on it (but is so soft in the inside)  and "look, my kids are gone...I don't have nearly as much in common anymore and ugh".

I explained to her that I was in my "fifth season".  

She asked, "what is a fifth season?"

My response was brutally honest.  "I have no idea, but it is a time that I have never navigated before, and it feels scary and it is like a slap in the face.  My mailbox is crammed with Medicaid Plan B, AAA Life insurance, Funeral Home fliers and Senior Living Homes.  My kids are not kids, and frankly, I am very content to watch Wheel and Jep, chat with my husband, walk Ranger and enjoy the quiet.  I never thought this would be me, but it is for now.  Oh, and I am obsessed with making sure that I raised my children correctly, they will make it without me and won't call one another and say," did you talk to mom today?  Cause I did and she is losing it".  And then the other responds, "I find myself not picking up when mom calls."

And there you have it, the Fifth Season.  And while you are there, add in, "and very few of my relatives are left that know what a great childhood we had with a great-grandmother, grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins and holiday dinners were in a basement with squeaky stairs but were the best.  And only a few of us are left to remember it all.  And my mom's best friend, she was like a bonus mom, passed. And it was like losing my mom all over.

Her only response was "wow" and a bit of, "I get it a little...I am almost there too".

I explained that my circle was getting smaller and I was fine with quality not quantity and a smaller circle of friends, not a larger group of acquaintances.  And, I also explained, that while I was thrilled that my three kids were wildly independent....in these types of social settings, I hated explaining that I am definitely ok with my kids being away and doing their thing, although I missed them terribly.  

So, the last six months, I have been a bit of a recluse as I navigated this new phase in my life.

Some days, it is great, other days it sucks.

And while you are going through something like the Fifth Season, you think about your mom.  Even if you had a bad relationship with her, cause some people do, I think it is safe to say, you still think about your mom.  I had a fabulous mom, and I still wonder how she navigated in her heart and her brain, her two children being away.  She always said, "it is a big world out there, go be a part of it."  

Although I spoke to my mom daily, talking versus being in person, are two different things. And I wonder what her last thoughts were.  Did she wonder and worry about her two children and grandchildren?  I am certain those would be my thoughts. Would she realize that it was all going to be ok with her kids?  I have pondered this way too much.  Not only her thoughts but what mine would be.

As Thanksgiving season rolled around, I was full on in the Fifth Season but ready and excited for the holidays because of children and family.

Last year at Thanksgiving, Addie and strolled over to Rucker Johns for Espresso Martinis before watching Wicked together.  I was so excited to go with her and repeat the process.  

And then I found out we could not repeat the process because of timing.  Disappointed.  I asked around my circle for a Wicked date and could not find one.

And while I was trying to find a Wicked date, I did the unthinkable at 64 and half years old, I had a massive professional meltdown...massive.  Academy Award winning.  And because that wasn't enough, I left a message at a business, in response to an unpaid medical bill of $12.43 after we paid about $800,000 in insurance claims.  I spiraled in a big way.

My Fifth Season became of the season of Emotional Hurricanes, Category 5.

Addie called just after I left the voice mail over the $12.43 unpaid bill (my name is written down on a piece of paper in some office cubicle I am certain).

She knew immediately that I was a little off.  I gave her the edited version followed by "and I guess I am going by myself to see Wicked".  Like I was 10 years old.

I love the strength and power of hormones.  Just love it.

What happened next was incredible.

Franklin called me and told be home and ready by seven.  We were going out.  I said, "no, you haven't seen me."

He didn't call this time, he texted and it said, "be ready by seven, I already bought two tickets to Wicked.  I am taking you."

I replied, "Pick me up at 6, I need a cocktail."

There were several things amazing about this:  1. My husband in a movie theatre, especially with a movie like Wicked and 2. He bought tickets in advance.  Advance?  one more time, Advance?

Addie calls back and said, "Mom, go with dad.  He's taking you to Wicked cause I cannot go. And he's buying you a drink.  Wash your face and go."  Daughter of the year. 

There are not many things that I love more in this world than a cheesy musical.  And an Espresso Martini even if I did have to wash my face an extra time in one day.

While I was watching the movie and those alarmingly thin actresses, I realized, actually I think it is really a "coming to terms" with the future of my kids and me.  It will all be fine, and even if it is not, I am not in control. 

As the song says, "So much of me is made of what I learned from you, you'll be with me like a handprint on my heart." 

Really, that is the secret to raising kids, let them grow, let them fail, let them prosper, you both grow. 

I even reached out and organized a tiny Christmas gathering with some girlfriends, tiny.  And I am going to even wash my face an extra time that day (I have very dry skin) and I am going to navigate this new season, with grace, no style (unless bleached stained sweatshirts are in) just grace. 

The Fifth Season.