I make a New Year's resolution yearly. I write them down. I keep the list and I cross it off.
I made my 2017 list on December 31 of 2016. I keep my resolutions out in the open where I can see it daily. Somewhere about January 9, 2017, I took this list and put it in my Daytimer. (Yes, I still use a Daytimer) I was pretty sure the list was obsolete by January 9.
As I pondered on my list for 2018, I kept looking over at the list for 2017.
Seriously, what was I thinking? (Franklin always says I should make "Improve left handed penmanship" a priority.)
1. I have written down "Lose 15 pounds" since I was 23 years old. This is coming off the list. I am almost 57 and even if I live to be 100, my life is half over. Who cares? I have great blood pressure, low cholesterol and what the hell? There is not a Senior Citizens Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition so I am done obsessing. They advantage of being the "chunky girl" is when people see you, they say, "You haven't changed a bit" instead of walking to their car and saying, "OMG, she was so tiny and little and middle age just "rolled" over her".
I will always look bigger because of my enormous boobs. Instead of loathing them, I have embraced the enormous breasts. Many of my dear friends no longer have theirs, cancer. I don't even complain about them anymore. They are ample but healthy and I will take that any day of the week.
2. I have been sending pictures for reprints for the last three years. Sometimes it doesn't happen until October, but I get it crossed off the list. Hey "new" moms out there, do yourself a favor and get your pictures printed, soon, before something happens to your phone, you will thank me when they are 16. A picture on a phone is NOT the same as a picture in a frame, in your home.
3. I did increase my income. Not by much but i did.
4. Teach or introduce something new to each child. I did.
5. Did not finish the bathroom remodel. Opted for a new heating and air system.
6. I did not strengthen my relationship with God. I don't feel like I did anything. Instead, I feel like I was picked up by my bra straps (they are wide and sturdy) and was shaken to my core and then I was placed gently to the ground and he looked at me and said "Trust in Me."
After the "button's" accident, there were stages of grieving. While the "button" was alive and breathing, our son was gone. The son we knew and raised was gone. And in his place was a bitter, angry young man with so many apparatuses that accompanied him. Learning about his new life was exhausting and daunting. Dealing with him as he learned to live with his new life, over the top exhausting, painful and daunting.
And as time after the accident passed, and things became more real and "more in your face", the anguish crept in. I was angry. The "button" was making it. He was sober. He had a plan. And Bang. Literally, BANG. And Franklin and I were alone in our grief. Perhaps we were alone in our Pity Party.
I hate Pity Parties. You invite people that you care and love and they are your friends. You expect them to RSVP and attend for the reasons listed. They never show and then you are stuck with all the food. Pity Parties suck.
And somewhere during our Pity Party of two, something happened.
Two members of our church started, PUB Theology...you discuss at a Pub. I love it.
One night, as the 90 minutes was coming to an end, the question was asked, "Have anyone ever seen the face of God?"
I jumped up and words came out. At first, I wasn't even aware, really aware of what I was saying and then it hit me and I became aware.
It will be a year on January 6, that I visited Craig's Hospital in Denver. I wore the jacket that I had flown in to Craig's. I will never forget walking into the game room there where several young friends had come to visit their friend Micheal on his 16th birthday. I will never forget noticing that Micheal could not breath independently his left little finger was the only limb that moved independently and he could not speak. His mom and grandmother slid a birthday cake on to his wheelchair tray and wanted to light the candles. Nobody had a lighter. And in her soft voice, grandma looked over and asked me if I had a lighter.
I did have a lighter, I did. In my jacket pocket. I don't smoke. I don't carry lighters, I have no need, but that morning, when I went to sit in my airplane seat, there was a lighter. A lighter on an airplane seat, that's odd. "A bit strange", I remember saying to myself as I slipped the lighter in my pocket.
And now, I passed the lighter to grandma and they lit Micheal's 16 candles. Mom had tears strolling down her face as they sang. And then at 16 years old, they helped him blow out his candles.
Doesn't seem like a lot to ask for in life, to blow out your own candles? But it is for some.
And finally, first the first time in 45 days, Micheal looked up and spoke into the microphone and said "Thank you".
That is when I saw the face of God. I saw LOVE, HOPE and God all in one room.
It wasn't a coincidence there was a lighter in my seat.
The parents, the grandparents, the adorable 16 year old boys and Micheal himself will be etched in my mind, FOREVER.
After I got home from PUB Theology, I felt at peace. You know, that peace after you break up with someone or fire someone or quit your job....when I said the words out loud and retold the story, it was like cement.
My life changed that afternoon in Craig's Hospital. Our lives had already changed when I drove into the parking lot of Craig's but my life changed that afternoon at Micheal's Birthday party. I have thanked God in prayer everyday for that birthday party.
I have learned two things, really learned two things this year, the big stuff in life you cannot control but you can react how you deal and process it.
Attitude is really everything. You can chose to be angry or chose to be accepting. You can chose to eat the fries or chose to eat the green beans. You can chose to positive or chose to be negative, the more energy you give either, the bigger anything becomes. Attitude is key when dealing and processing what you have been handed.
My New Year's List for 2018...
1. Acknowledge a blessing daily in prayer.
2. Do my best to always make the healthier choice.
3. Do 300,000 steps monthly.
4. Work harder, be better.
5. Send photos to Shutterfly.
6. Experience something new with the family as often as possible.
7. Celebrate 20th wedding anniversary with flare.
8. Find something to laugh about in every situation.
9. Read more, social media less.
10. Embrace life and help those that are working hard to stay alive.
My list is written and I am going to make it happen.
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