it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: The Research Paper

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: The Research Paper: The "button" called.  After 99 days, a voice at the other end of the line. Why is it when you get "one" of these calls...

The Research Paper

The "button" called.  After 99 days, a voice at the other end of the line.

Why is it when you get "one" of these calls, your phone needs charged and you are somewhere where you feel like everyone can hear you speaking? That was me. 

The "button" is doing research. 

What is he researching?  I am not 100% sure but I am guessing independence.

He has a job, an apartment and a friend.  He sounded happy.  He was sick as a dog, but happy.

It has been one week since I spoke to him and I am still thinking and processing the call.

He most likely hung up and hasn't thought about it since.

A friend of my once sent me an email joke about a couple meets at a bar for drinks before date night.  She is obsessed, "he is distant, he didn't notice I got my hair cut, he keeps looking off in the distance, he isn't smiling, what is wrong, does he want to break up, why is he so down, should I ask him what is wrong?"

He is thinking, "WVU lost the big game."

I think this is the same situation. 

He is doing research.  He mentioned that he is doing this "all on his own" and "he is staying out of  trouble" and "he is paying his bills."

And there you have it.  He is researching what happens when you detach from your family and do it on your own. 

I don't know what kind of grade he will get on his paper, it isn't written yet.

I too have been doing my own research paper. 

Here is the Reader's Digest version.

I am almost 53 and I have learned more in the last four years than I have ever learned.  I didn't pay tuition or get new bedding, I just lived as a mom.  Here is what I have learned in no particular order.

1.  Cancer, any kind, sucks.
2.  Rehab will never work if the person does not understand why they are going.
3.  HOPE is a powerful feeling  and HOPEFUL is a great way to feel.
4.  Nothing will ever prepare you to see your kid in orange.
5.  People can change.  People do change.  People will change you.
6.  Nobody will ever know what you are thinking or how you feel until they have walked in your shoes, not for a day, but for a mile.
7.  The older you get, the smarter your parents get, even if they aren't here anymore.
8.  Some days, sitting in a chair, feeling the breeze and the sun on your face is all you need to change your attitude.
9.  Taking just one step forward can you lead you to great things.
10.  Nobody will ever come to your pity party, regardless of the appetizers being served.
11.  It is okay to have your dreams broken, your heart splintered and your expectations shattered.  There are so many more of each, you just have to go find them.  Who knows, you may find something better in the process.
12.  You only guide your children. The minute that cord is cut, it is their life.  You just guide them.
13.  Chocolate does make things better.

After he called, Addie called him.  Cracked me up.  And then Walker followed.  Both were very buttoned up (no pun intended) about the conversations.

I didn't pry.  It is not my relationship.  It is theirs. 

I have a very strong gut feeling about how this is going to turn out but I will not reveal now.

When I was in college, I remember a project that I worked on for weeks.  Over and Over, corrections, changes, thoughts and then I turned it in.  I got a B.  I couldn't understand why it was just a B.  I so disappointed.  I had worked so hard on it.  Just a B?

Later, I went out jiffing(a term at WVU for happy hour) and forgot that I had a paper due the next day in my Shakespeare class on the Taming of the Shrew.  I got up the next morning, still in a bit of a fog, and whipped out a paper.  One time.  The paper was on time.  Wheeeww. 

When the professor passed out the graded papers, I didn't know if I wanted to look.  No preparation, no thought process, no anything.  I got an A.  What the hell?

And no, the moral wasn't "go out and party and get an A", it was sometimes you over think things. Just like the babe at the bar.  He was only worked up about the big game.

Maybe that is me and the "button".  Maybe I just should have said, "go".  "Go figure it on your own."  Maybe I spent too much time on fluff and not substance on that paper, maybe that is why I got a B. 

Life is so complicated it is simple, just live it.  Just go do it and figure it out, make your way.

Again, not beating myself up, just wondering.

So he called.  He is employed.  He is not in an institution of higher learning.  He is in the school of hard knocks.   His paper isn't written. 

I just hope I live long enough to check his sources and then put a seasonal sticker on it.

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: "Next skate is for couples only"

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: "Next skate is for couples only": Last week Walker dropped a bomb shell on me.  The week prior, while Frank was out of town, he asked if he could sleep with me.  "O...

"Next skate is for couples only"

Last week Walker dropped a bomb shell on me. 

The week prior, while Frank was out of town, he asked if he could sleep with me.  "Of Course."

When I crawled into bed later that night, he asked, "mama is that you?"

"Yes."

"I have been waiting for you mama.  Since this could be the last time I ever sleep with you, can we hold hands?"

I waited until I knew he was back asleep and I held his little hand and I bawled in the stillness of the night like the baby he once was.  It killed me.

Three nights later, he came in asked me if he could double date with his buddy.  OMG, kicked my heart inside and out.

When Franklin returned we had the discussion about the double date.  Franklin was APPALLED that I had agreed.

"Look, I didn't go to the movies with Steve C. in sixth grade, but you can bet I was skating the couple's skate with him at Rock Springs Roller rink."

He smiled and said, "I was skating with a girl too."

Ahhh, Rock Springs Skating Rink.  Fifty cents to get in.  Fifty cents to buy to Sprite's in the red and white paper cup and one peppermint patty that I ate during the "all boys skate."

I had my own skates.  With pom-poms.  Red and Blue.  They matched my metal case that matched my skating outfit that my mamaw made.  Blue courderoy pant suit.  I was the roller skating queen.  I never had the talents of the Blazek twins but I was a serious skater.

I can still hear the sound of the skates crashing into the gray, glossy rails.  I can still smell Rock Springs Roller Rink.  I can still hear the door open and everybody would look to see who was coming in.  You could hear the gravel even in the inside of the rink.  And oh, the bathroom.  An old cracked mirror, one stahl, no door on it and we would pee and chat.  Mobs of us.  Always during the boys skate.

Then, we would stand at the rail and admire the Ketih Partridge hair styles of the boys or the Peter Brady look-a-likes. 

And when it was the "All Girls Skate" we would rock to "Knock on Wood" and Three Dog Night.

There were two couple's skates during the day.  One about 3pm and of course, the last skate.

Being asked to skate with a boy was like being asked to attend the President's Ball.
Really, it was so barbaric. We were lined up and the boys would just skate over and grab your hand.  There really wasn't a yes or no involved.  Even if you didn't want to, he had your hand.  And the hands were always sweaty.  Always, didn't matter who you skated with.  Sweaty hands.

You didn't talk to one another.  You skated to the squeals of Donny and his Osmond siblings, "And they called it Puppy Love, Oh I guess they'll nver know...." and then the closing song, "Twilight Time."

I have not heard the song "Twilight Time" since I last went to the Rock Springs Roller Rink.  I don't know if it is even opened anymore.

I do know that on Thursdays, the notes in class would flow.  "Are you going skating on Saturday?  Check Yes or NO.

The rink was opened on Sunday too but we only went on Saturdays.  Later, we would call the girls and your girl ally would ask the boy that you liked.  Pre-arranged skates.  It was glamourous.

And then Saturday game, and the hormones were released in an oval with a disco ball, pom poms and skates. 

I used to hate it when my mom volunteered to pick up becuase she would always come in to see who I was skating the last skate with...I never disappointed.  It was usually Kevin D or Steve C. 

And then the song ended, you dropped hands, didn't even look at one another, skated to your spot, took off the skates, and with your skate legs (it always felt like you were still skating), you walked out the door.

Until the next Saturday.

It was at the skating rink that I received my second box of Russell Stovers Candy.  My first box was from the same boy.  First time he came to the house, the second time he gave it to me at the skating rink.  I still have that box. 

I wish that my kids would have the same experience.  Skate hand in hand, sweaty palms and all and pass notes.  Instead they text and play Angry Birds. 

The date is Friday.  At our house.  Fire pit and hotdogs.  I am sure they will make an excuse to play manhunt in the woods behind my house.

There will not be a rail for me to lean on and watch my kids skate so I think I will dress up in camo and hide in the woods and watch them.  Kidding.

I am going to be open minded and open hearted about them skating into puberty.  And when some girl announces that he held her hand, I will know that he held mine first. Without a couples skate.