it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: The girl behind the cubicle

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: The girl behind the cubicle: I did it.  I did it big this time, even for me. I passed judgement like I have never done before in my life.  Beats the Jehovah Witnesses ...

The girl behind the cubicle

I did it.  I did it big this time, even for me.

I passed judgement like I have never done before in my life.  Beats the Jehovah Witnesses stealing my kids for sex slaves in Nicaragua. 

In my new job, I have a satellite office.  It is awesome.  One of the reasons that I sooooo love my job.  It is also the same reason that if you say, "Oh, hey I know blah blah, she works with you", they might just give you a blank stare. 

But despite the satellite offices, there are a few people that I have direct contact with on a daily basis.  And one, for the past few months, I cannot tolerate.

She does not speak.  She shows no emotion.  If I ever played poker, I would NEVER play with her.  She shows no emotion.  She shows no personality and she acts scared of her shadow.  It drives me nuts.  But, having said that, she is a fabulous employee.

Friday, she came to my desk.  And while she was standing there, she noticed the picture of my kids.  And she speaks, which is huge and asks, "so you have three kids?"

"Yes."

"How old are they?"

"20, 11 and 10".

"wow, my kids (oh my God, plural, I knew she had one, plural) my kids have more than 10 years apart too."

"Kids, I thought you just had one"

"No, my kids are adopted...."

And there it went.  I will not disclose the conversation. 

But, I will tell you.."if you take your troubles to the market...."  Oh My God!!!!!!!!!

And there she stood.  Like a mouse.  Even with her standing and me sitting and her telling this story, she seemed so meek and not mild, passive, dead, anemic. 

And I looked at her in a TOTALLY different light.  She was not anemic.

This girl has fight in her.  And love and compassion.  And determination.  And a huge spirit. 

She has fought for love and goodness and to better other lives.

No wonder she was so quiet at work.  She saved her energy  for home, where it really mattered. 

And once again, there I was with somebody that I never would have imagined, changing my outlook. 

Later Friday night when I was catching up on emails from the day, i reached out to her.  She responded. 

It warmed my heart.  And I was ashamed of myself for such harsh judgement.

I think middle age strips you of patience.  I am determined, after the girl in the cubicle touched my heart, to get it back. 

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: Mamaw's Pumpkin

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: Mamaw's Pumpkin: I had a Mamaw.  Not just a grandma, but a Mamaw. She was part of my everyday life, in one way or another, until she died.  I was so blessed....

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: Mamaw's Pumpkin

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: Mamaw's Pumpkin: I had a Mamaw.  Not just a grandma, but a Mamaw. She was part of my everyday life, in one way or another, until she died.  I was so blessed....

Mamaw's Pumpkin

I had a Mamaw.  Not just a grandma, but a Mamaw. She was part of my everyday life, in one way or another, until she died.  I was so blessed.

 There is something about this time of year, I think about her constantly.

Her birthday was in October and she died in October.

I loved her.  I still do.

She wasnt' your typical "grandmother". She wasn't the kind you see on Hallmark commercials.
She swore.

  She could feed a squirrel peanuts from between her toes.  The squirrel's name was Pierre because he had a slit in his ear, like a beret.

She sewed beautifully.  She make most of my clothes for years.  I had hear ribbons to match.  We would shop for hours for patterns and materials.

She never measured her ingredients when she cooked or baked.  She just threw it in there.  One time, we made chocolate chip cookies.  Flat as a board.  She forgot the flour.  She cracked herself up.

She taught me and my cousins how to smoke cigarettes so others would not.

She could skip with one leg.  It was awesome. 

She didn't wear underwear but always wore a sweater.

She loved football and baseball and could scream with the best of them.

And she made up words and expressions.  If somebody wore pants that were too short, she would say, "his shoe's need  to have a party and invite his pants down."

She said that if you wanted to have sex, change your sheets and take a bath.

She would say when she was hungry, "I could eat the ass out of a skunk."  Imagine that when you are 12 and your grandmother says that to you.

When we went to weddings, she would say, "there is nothing new here but the cake."  Took me awhile to figure that one out.

And when I was dating, the words that rang out clearly, "it only takes a drop."    All of my cousins and my brother would answer this is you awakened them in the middle  of the night and ask them, how much does it take?  "It only takes a drop."  Remember, we were all dating at the time.  Get it?

I adored her.  I adored going to her house.  I adored my grandfather too but I ADORED her.
When you pulled up to her house, there was a big window in the living room.  I can see it today. 

And then, on October 1, you would pull up and there it was, the pumpkin, proudly displayed in the window.  She made it in ceramics.  Shiny, orange.  Big.  And filled with the big Hershey bars and Baby Ruth's.  When you were a kid and you saw that pumpkin, proudly displayed, knowing there was candy inside, it was like winning the lottery.

And then, after the goblins retired on Halloween night, the pumpkin went down stairs to the basement for the next year.  We would eat our Christmas dinner down there in the basement and that pumpkin would be sitting on the shelf.  I think it was smiling at us.

My mom made a pumpkin too in ceramics class.  Honestly, hers is better.  Very real looking.  Bigger.  It is nicer. 

Mom put hers in family room on top of the television.  It came out on October 1 as well.  She was smart enough not to fill it with candy bars. 

When it was time to divide Mamaw's belongings, there was only one thing I wanted.  The pumpkin.  I had to give it a good home.  I too had to fill it was big Hershey  bars and Baby Ruth's.

I have my mom's pumpkin too.  I guess I am a pumpkin hoarder.

I didn't wait till October 1 this year. 
I put it out a week early.  Not sure why, just wanted to connect with Mamaw.  I know that sounds crazy, but when I see that pumpkin, it takes me back to that special place and time.  I feel young and spirited.  And I can see her.  Smell her and hear her saying, "just one, you can have one candy bar."

Despite all the hustle and bustle of being an adult, that super shiny pumpkin takes me back to a simple time.  The nicer, more real looking one, does too.  Funny, I have two generations of pumpkins that sit proudly in my home and most people probably just think they are goofy ceramic pumpkins.

I think about her passing out candy bars to Mickey Mice and Batmans.  I can hear her saying, "who are those cheapskates that only pass out a peice of gum?  It is one night a year." 

And I think about her saying, Stephanie, it only takes a drop to change your life forever."

She was right.  And a pumpkin.  A pumpkin that lives forever.

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: Instant Mashed Potatoes

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: Instant Mashed Potatoes: I have never bought a box of instant  mashed potatoes in my life.  Never.  My kids have only ever eaten "real" mashed potatoes. ...

Instant Mashed Potatoes

I have never bought a box of instant  mashed potatoes in my life.  Never.  My kids have only ever eaten "real" mashed potatoes.

The "button" called me and asked, "did you know that you get can get mashed potatoes from a box?"

"yes, you are not eating them are you?"

"No mom, one of the guys made them here.  They are terrible.  How do you make potatoes pancakes?  I cannot eat these potatoes.  These guys cannot believe that I have never eaten instant potatoes."

VICTORY.  I felt like Mother of the Year.  Whooooooooooooooooooo!  My kid learned had to go to college to learn about instant potatoes.

It is easy to feel like Mother of the Year when your kid is in summer camp but in college, bonus, I moved into the bonus round. 

So, I told him how to make tater cakes, a favorite with my kids, usually served Sunday morning with breakfast.

"Sorry I bothered you with something so trivial but I have never seen box  potatoes before."
If I had a nickel for every time I have called my mom or Mamaw with a cooking or baking question, I would be rich.

And later in life, I really didn't have a question, it was an excuse to call.  Maybe the "button" just needed an excuse in front of peeps.  I really don't think this is the case but it is nice to think so.

How is the "button" doing in college?  I don't know, really.

When I went to college, my mom wrote to me.  I called collect on Sundays.  That was pretty much it.

So during the days of texts, twitters, tweets and instagram, I haven't really hear from him.Apparently calling your speak  to your folks is not part of the curriculum at his school.  He hasn't asked to come home, he has only asked for money once, and he says he "loves it".  He does text us but really nothing.

He has said it is hard.  But it is worth it.  And, he has also said that his life "before" was harder so he will pick this one.

He likes his wrestling coach. 

He seems to making lots of friends. 

I have only sent one care package.  And it wasn't even a big one.

With Halloween coming, I thought about sending a box of Halloween decorations so he can show off in front of team Allysa but I don't know how he would respond to that care package.  Halloween is his favorite so I do feel the Dollar Store calling my name.

Is it different without him?  Yes.  Milk stays in the fridge longer.  I miss the laughter from the boys bedroom.  I miss him making some of the kids signature dishes.  And I miss him helping out. 

But, he is where he needs to be.

And he is much better off than he was a year ago.  WE are  much better off than we were a year ago. And we are making it. He is making it.  He is making it his way. 

My old friend told me the other day, "You give your kids life and it is their canvas to paint.  And paint.  You may have an idea of the painting you want them to paint.  But it is their canvas and they paint the picture they want."  Ok, I will go with that, as long as it is good enough to hang on the wall and not in the garage.

Hope.  Seeds of Greatness.  Walking forward. Forward Walking.  "It is never the mess that you make that matters, it is how you clean it up."  Have a Heart at Peace.  Believe.