I'm just sooo mad.

I'm just so mad.  Seriously, mad.

I want to scream, I want to break something and I want to be alone.  I am just so mad.

But, I am a mom, if I break something, I will have to pick it up, I cannot let my kids see me like this so I am keeping my emotions grounded.  I am breathing love in and anger out.

And then, I get a call from the school.  You know how you feel when your called id lights up and you see the "school".  You know that your child has either puked or gone to the principals office.  One is less messy but both make you feel the same.


Walker.  He was sent to the Principal's office.

When I was in school, you learned to spell PRINCIPAL that way because the PRINCIPAL is your "PAL".

I always thought that was cheesy.  Really cheesy. 

Let me just say, that if I ever ran for President, the first two people who would get a raise would be teachers and nursing home employees.

The principal tells me that my son was acting out and she took some time and chatted with him.

She says, "what is it really?  really?  Is it because your brother is at summer camp again?"

"Yes and I am just so mad."    Well put Walker.

The last words that Walker heard from his brother was "I will come over and cut the grass, you can be my wingman."


He is mad and I can relate.  He asked me the other day, "do you even care about him anymore?"  Yes, I care. 

I would care more if I didn't have this huge chip on my shoulder named "mad".  I would be less mad if I could let go of the disappointment and shock.

Mad is one of the stages when you grieve.  It sucks.

Being mad when your heart is broken because you love someone is the worst.  The absolute worst.  I would rather have a sore throat, stomach flu, shingles and a pap smear all at the same time instead of this broken heart anguish.

And I am 51.



Imagine being 10?.  You still think that there is the possibility of Santa and the magic but the kid you admire the most may not be returning until you are 15.  Five years.  Remember how long five years seemed when you were 10?

And so you are left with the one emotion that you know, "so mad."

When I called my husband to relay another PRINCIPAL story, I lost my composure.  I am so mad, that somebody, anybody made my son, so mad.  And then I remember the source, and I so very mad.

When I got back to my desk after my call with Franklin I took a moment.  I let peace enter my heart.  And I took a few minutes to think and reflect.

And I hit me, that after all these years, the PRINCIPAL really is my PAL.