Dear Son, an open letter

Dear Son,

It has been almost 30 days since you left.  Except for an hour of that month, I have had no idea where you have been.  Or who you have been with, what you have been doing, why you were doing it, if you have eaten, bathed, worked, found a new job, died or thought of us.

While I don't know much about your life for the past thirty days, I am sure that you have  spent time with drugs and alcohol.  Thus, I am sure that your decision making abilities have been flawed.

My heart is in pain and my brain is angry.

Very, very, very angry and confused.

You left our house after a dinner.  You showered, you thanked me, you hugged me and your siblings, you told me  you would be back to mow the grass and you were "my son."  You were awesome.

And now your father and I lay awake at night listening for sounds that may be you.  Crazy.

And sometimes we are greeted at the door by people who need to speak with you.

While you do not carry my genes, you have been nurtured by a "rule follower" for years.  You have been taught right from wrong.  You have been taught to be a gentlemen to females, make your bed, speak while looking in the eye, respect to elders and if it doesn't belong to you, don't touch it.  You have been taught.

We have also been honest with you.  "You become who you hang with."  Every parent, that is worth something, has told their child this, for centuries.  It is true.

We have also told you that despite all of your talents and your greatness, drugs and alcohol are not your friends and do not make your life better.  Ever.

And so it goes again.  The confusion in my heart and my brain leaves such a vile taste in my mouth.  Just about everything that I have done in my life since I have become your mother, was to help you have a happy, productive life.  I have given and cared with all that I am.

I am not confident that "we" will have a happy ending.  I am certain that you will be picking up trash on the highway for awhile.  I am also sure that someday I might run into you at the Food Lion and I don't know what to say to my own son.

I may not have carried you for nine months, but I have loved immensely since the day I met you.

I am afraid that your demons have become your family.  And will be for awhile.

I told your sister last night that I do not know what will happen but I am certain that you will be "away" for awhile and it is her choice to have a relationship with you, or not, it is her choice. It is exhausting for your siblings to  to be your sibling.  Are you coming or going, honest or under the influence, simply exhausting.  And while they are young, they are now wiser.  They get what substance abuse does.

I wish i could pull the scalps off of you and your friends and scream into them, scream the pain you have caused my heart and my family and scream something, anything, to make you get it and get the help that you need and I would help provide.

And I am sad for you.  Sad, that in a tough world, you have made it tougher for yourself.  You have missed out on so much, and more to come all for a high or a night of partying with a bunch of people who will still be partying in years to come.

But the power or choice is grand.  The courage to ask for help and accept it proves you are a man.

I love the son I had.  I hope he comes back.