The Real life ending, Not the Cinematic one

 

This is the conclusion of a post from August of 2021...."The Real Drop-off,Not the Cinematic One.  

Friday, Addie graduated from the University of Tennessee in Knoxville.

Sidenote, I love the UTK.  Love it.  If you have a child interested, it is awesome.  Cannot say enough positive things about the University of Tennessee.

Was I excited, yes, of course. Especially for her.  And she secured a job and is moving to Nashville May 30th.  All was going according to HER plan.  

But I was also nervous.  Walker was flying from Wyoming and that causes uneasiness for any mother and I knew my daughter would be off the charts.  Any mother of any daughter knows what I mean about this term.  Off the charts.  Bossy, nervous, dramatic and mean. 

And true to form, before I was even out of the house on Thursday...Addie called me.  As we were talking, I mentioned something about a picture.  Off the charts, "how could you pick that picture? Worst picture ever...seriously mom."  And this was the start.  Cannot wait.

This is the "worst picture ever."

And in the car, the typical Franklin versus Stephanie driving fight.  A family favorite.

Nine hours of driving marital bliss.

We arrived in Knoxville and checked in with half of the East Coast.  We called Addie.  We are here.

"I am not ready.  Where are we eating?  Where is your hotel?"

I told her where we were staying and we decided on some place...only because they had fried pickles, 

"See you in 30 minutes".

As we were driving, I said, "I have been here before, I know this place."

As I look up, I said "Franklin, this is the same restaurant that we ate at when we dropped her off!" The same place where she had a meltdown, we agreed to let the kids take the car and explore Knoxville while we consumed alcoholic beverages. 

We walked in and laughed.  Grabbed a spot in the bar, ordered the fried pickles and waited for her arrival.  She walked in... happy to see us.  I asked her, "recognize anything?"  She looked around and with a little prompting, it clicked.  "We sat right there".  We could not believe it.  All of the restaurants in the area, what were the odds.

And she was nice.  

"See you tomorrow."

We arrived with the other half of the east coast to the Thompson Boiling Arena.  I hopped out of the car...getting seats...and Walker climbed out too.

As I was walking up to the event, I ran into the one person that I wanted to see.  A sweet fellow that was a very good friend to Addie, that I adore and he has had an insane last three weeks of college.  I held on to him sobbing, crazy and then pushed him away and said, Go have fun."  It was that push, hit me over the head...so many things were ending and so many things were going to be different.

I do not believe in coincidences...I do believe that God puts you in places with people when you need to be there.  

I saved out seats and just sat there.  How was I there?  Today was Walker's 23rd birthday as well.  I remember being as big as a house on his first birthday.  His little body, his blonde hair, digging into a chocolate cake...and she was 9 weeks later.  

Seriously, cereal box projects, dioramas, Dance recitals, cheerleading competitions, ear piercing, braces, spray tans (ughs), everything.  

And once that graduation march started, I was numb.  Franklin was at the other end, and I was glad about our seating arrangements, because I think I would have grabbed him and lost it. 

I saw her come from under the tunnel and I stood up waving, Like a lunatic.  She was looking up, knowing that I would be the one...and she saw us.  Her teeth and her smile.  I was very proud of her.

During this whole ceremony, I kept thinking about how all three of my kids had graduations, and zero grandparents were there.  Covid, corresponding graduations, deaths, it made me sad.

And then, after announcing so many names, it was time to switch the tassel and throw the cap, it was over.

Just like that.  Done.  

We took our pictures with Smokey...the cute little hound dog mascot.  I love his statue.  And we went for our celebratory lunch, graduation and a birthday.

And then a trip to meet and visit with Addie's 97-year-old friend, Miss Fawn.  Delightful.

And then we napped for ten minutes, brushed our teeth and headed back to downtown, the party for Addie and 11 other friends.

The moms were setting up and as we finished, close to 7pm, I looked over the balcony and there was my daughter.

It was at that moment that it ALL hit me.  She was dressed up in party attire, with her girlfriend, on the streets that had been her home for four years.  She loved Knoxville.  She loved being a Volunteer.  When I was looking down over the balcony and that precise moment, she looked like a woman, not a little girl, but a woman.  And her smile was a mile wide.  I took in the moment and then yelled across the street.  If I didn't, I would have bawled my eyes out.

She entered the party and said, "mom this awesome" (I was prepared for the, take this down, it looks goofy or mom, seriously, no.)  She was nice.

And we had a great party.

It was the next morning that we said goodbye to both kids.  One going back to Wyoming, one packing up her place for the move to Nashville.  

Sat in the car, same old fight about the driving...but I was deep in thought.  With everything going so well, why did I feel hollow or let down or somber? Why?  She was organized, had her act together and all was well.  So why was I sad?

My daughter was grown.  Confident.  Eager for the next adventure.  Still a little mean.  She was so excited about her new place and particular about what was going in there and how it would look in the new place...she was excited.  

I remember being excited about my first place.  And my first job.  And starting over again.  New friends and new adventures.  

What would I do differently?  Would I do anything differently? Men? Careers? All of it. 

 I could tell she was nervous about it, but she had a confidence that I am pretty sure I didn't have.

And she said something pretty profound, "I came here with the goal of leaving with a degree. I accomplished my goal.  Now to the next one."

I guess I was sad for me. I wasn't done with Knoxville.  I loved it there too.  I have always felt we got cheated out of Knoxville.  My mom was diagnosed two weeks before Addie got there...and I spent her freshman year going to Florida, not Knoxville.  I have no regrets, it just all went to fast.  

I thought about the drop off versus the pack up and how different they were and how different she was...a teenage girl and now a woman.  

Every Saturday night, I would eagerly wait for Mary Tyler Moore to come on...my role model.  The person I wanted to be.  Even with the Murphy bed.  That apartment and that career.

And that hat throw, Making it after all.

That was my girl...making it after all. Go VOLS!

Do you ever just cry over nothing, or maybe a million things?

Your typical Saturday morning, I walk with my "Saturday morning therapy session walking partner", discuss the world, including the depression of many young people and kids coming and going.

I came home, started my list and had a moment.  

In the last 10 days, Addie lost a friend, three weeks before graduation and her favorite fraternity lost a brother.  Unnecessary death, car accident.  The driver survived.  But did he? He will be plagued forever.

I have not been able to shake it.  I cannot look at the Go Fund Me page one more time where I see donations of $10, $15 and $20 and how those donations meant everything to the donator and so much more to the family of Johnny.  I have thought about those fraternity brothers being ushers and speaking and services and I am crushed. None of this was on the syllabus for the seniors. 

And in between all of this, one son left to go out West and follow his dream.  My daughter is graduating and moving to Nashville.  Both of these are good things. Things I wanted for my kids. And my friend is sick.  The fight of her life. 

It was after I stopped at Walgreens to pick up some photos and a razor that I had the melt down.

I sat at the red light and watched a young mom load three kids into the car at the McDonalds I would treat my three kids.  

I reached down to feel my legs when I realized that I was so old, there was not hair on my legs anymore.  Why did I even get a razor? I watched that lady with her kids...looks like they had been playing baseball at Western Park.  And I lost it.

It was everything.  My sick friend, a young death, I haven't seen one son in a year and half, my other son was gone for seven months, and my daughter was moving 11 hours away...so I will be seeing her less and less.  

And what a self-absorbed person I am for crying over this when a mom buried her son yesterday.

And for two hours, I cried.  Over nothing but over everything.  Why is it, that these cries always happen in the car?  

I thought about two mothers, the one who buried her son and the one in the McDonalds parking lot.  

There was a time, like yesterday, that I hauled three kids from T-Ball and Baseball.  I packed snacks, washed uniforms late at night and set an alarm to wake up and get them in the dryer just so I wouldn't be "that mom". I was always frantic, very seldom sat down and my motto was "fake it till you make it."

And we did.  All three kids are fine.  They are happy and making their own way.  Was I crying because they made it with or without me or because they were as independent as I hoped they would be?

Or was a crying because the loss of hair on my legs really did mean that I was on the downhill slide and I had regrets?

Do I have regrets? Yes.  I did not realize I had regrets until I saw that mom in the McDonalds parking lot.

I regretted that I worried about fingerprints when my kids were little, I regretted that I didn't lay down with them when they were little for naps, I cleaned the house.  I regretted working so much, not taking more maternity leave, or just simply stopping at 5pm. I regretted all the time I barely looked up at my husband when he came home from work, and I continued working.

I regretted the phone calls I didn't pick up and the ones I didn't make.  I regretted the friendships I didn't end sooner and the ones I didn't cultivate.  I regretted the Saturdays I cleaned house and didn't spend more time outside.  I regretted sweating the small stuff like the night walker got in the car and sat on the pumpkin cake (even though I reminded him) on the way to Boy Scouts.   I regretted "Saturday Sheet Day" instead of implementing "let's go do something fun Saturday."

 I also regretted leaving my mom because I thought she had more time.

 Did I mention May is ALS Awareness Month and I feel like a heel because I haven't done more to raise awareness?

I drove to my next errand stop, the dreaded party store and I watched a younger woman help her mom out of the car and into the nail salon.  Just what I needed.  I watched this and all I could think of was "my daughter will be in Nashville, and I will have to hobble in their myself with nasty old lady feet."

I picked up the phone to call my daughter, but she was busy.  Of course, she had no idea I was rubbing my hairless legs, bawling and she was busy.  

I walked into the party store to pick up the third, "one last thing for Addie's grad party" that only I cared about or would even notice.  I walked about to the counter and both girls working behind the counter said, in unison, "Love your shirt".  I looked down because I could not remember what it said (Jacks, Pickles, Biscuits and Beer) and laughed.  They asked me where this place was, and I told them we ate there when I took my daughter to NYC for her graduation present.  They were so into it...I ended up showing them pictures of food and where it was and then they said, "what a great memory you all have...our mom never did anything like that with us (the counter ladies were sisters).

I smiled.  

I took my seven-dollar purchase that was going to rock the socks off the graduation party (not!) and got in my car.  

I sat there and reminded myself that nobody was going to attend my pity party because nobody knew I was having one.  

I was just sad a young man died way too young.  I was happy he was so loved, and frat brothers were filled with grief. You cannot have grief without love. 

I was sad I was not that young mom anymore going to McDonalds in between games.  I was happy that my three children were older and happy.

I was proud of my daughter for graduating, get a job and moving to a big city to become a woman.  I realized that I influenced her in some way. 

I wasn't even sad about my hairless legs anymore.  I had enough scars on my legs.  I do not have the vision I used to, and I would just cut myself anyway.  

I realized that many of the things that I regretted, I could still change.  And I would. Like this bawling session.  I am an ugly crier.

I pressed my start button and the radio was blared...Broadway station.  Julie Andrews.  My Favorite Things.  Divine Intervention. 

We all just need a moment sometimes.  

And Kleenex in the glove box.