it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: The Eve before 55

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: The Eve before 55: I don't know how it happened.  I mean, I know how it happened but I cannot believe that it has happened. Tomorrow, I am going to wake ...

The Eve before 55

I don't know how it happened.  I mean, I know how it happened but I cannot believe that it has happened.

Tomorrow, I am going to wake up and be 55 years old.  A speed limit on the highway of life.  And not a slow speed. 

Seriously, how did it happen?

I remember sitting on the floor in the Delmont Presbyterian Church playing "Upset the Fruit Basket" in kindergarten. 

I remember every single grade, outfits I had, the smell of the room and the teacher.  I remember the sounds the radiators made when they turned on, Keith R. throwing up and the janitor sprinkling sawdust on it in the cloak room.  I can remember in fourth grade when Miss Mercer wheeled in the television, during school and we watched the walk on the moon. 

I can remember Bobby Duca playing the harmonica, "Heart of Gold" when Miss Diebler left the room.  Yesterday, I swear it was yesterday.

I can remember my Snoopy curler holder and how my bedroom window frosted up during the winter.  I can remember looking out my bedroom window at the Star on top of the coal hill in White Valley.

I can hear the creaks in my mamaw's floor and stairs in my head.  I can smell her house and hear the fire whistle.

I remember my years in high school, outfits, classes, projects and friends.  I remember the bus rides, the phone calls with friends and the joy riding in cars.

It seems yesterday I landed in Morgantown, WV with a heart full of dreams and unanswered questions.  Four years.  I remember those 1500 days, every single one of them and every jiffing Friday afternoon. 

And then the adult life. I got married, divorced.  Single.  Married.  Kids.  First days of school. T-Ball.  Dance.  Baseball.  Wrestling.  Cub Scouts.  Boy Scouts.  First kisses.  First heartbreaks. 

And somewhere in the midst of all of this, I got to 55.  My body (as my bf reminded me today is in an awkward stage, old) is not a fast as it used to be.  My mind, what was I talking about?  Oh yeah, my mind just cannot wrap my arms around where the time has gone. 

Even if I live to be 110, my life is half over.  Half Over.  WTF!  HALF OVER?

And I am tormented with, "what have I accomplished?"  Disney World was taken, OPRAH beat me to the television show, magazine and weight loss, Bill Gates was smarter and Steve Jobs was way geekier than me.  I haven't changed the world.  I haven't invented anything or been on the cover of Newsweek.  My life has been ordinary. 

And as I age, so many things don't matter so much anymore.  Fingerprints, matching socks, designer handbags (well they still matter, not as much) dream houses and wild vacations.

Instead I like quiet nights, home cooked meals served in homes (hence the names) belly laughs with friends and family. 

 When I reflect on my life, my mom and mamaw, brother and sister-in-law, my wonderful nieces and nephews seem to pop into my memories the most.  And of course, a handful of dear, dear friends.
My husband and my children are the core of all the memories. 

Matching socks cannot make you pee in your pants from laughing.  Of course, it is true, most things make me pee in my pants these days, but so many memories do this for me.

What I have really learned to treasure are moments, not stuff.  I remember the very first time I realized my mom was a person.  We were riding in the car, Carole King was belting out, "I Feel the Earth Move" under my feet, on KDKA, we were on Route 66 coming from Greensburg, going down the hill approaching Delmont.  My mom was belting it out.  Singing.  Her frosted hair was moving, one hand was on the wheel and the other out the window.  She was a young woman at the time (probably 25) and I was 6 I guess and she was singing away.  Yesterday.  Seems yesterday.  My mom was a young girl enjoying her youth with two kids in the car.

Even the family members that are no longer here, seem more present in my life.

And my friends have become more important for many different reasons.  And many of those friends that I do not see very often have become even more important.  They have been there longer. 

But in the midst of this very ordinary life, some extraordinary happened.  I learned to love.  You love your mom and dad.  Your grandma and grandpa and it is grand.  But my mom would always say, "you will never know what it is like until you are married and have your own kids."  Truer words have never been spoken.  I never knew what "true love" was until I married Franklin.  I know people look at us sometimes and wonder. My favorite thing about him was I knew he would grow old with me and we would laugh.  I was correct.

Unconditional love for a child, I think Franklin and I have been the poster couple for this one.  Truly, the love you have for your kids is extraordinary.  And this is an extraordinary wonder to experience. 

Love was and has become the center of my world.  And in the ordinary moments, this love has made things extraordinary.

Nope, no inventions from this girl, or I doubt "breaking news" when I pass.  I can grow a great sunflower, laugh loudly and come up with a few zingers, but in the end maybe everybody's true legacy is that they loved and were loved unconditionally.  This is the greatest of all gifts.

So, the new Chapter of my life starts tomorrow.  I have no idea how long it will last or what it will bring or who will be riding in the car with me, if we will get pulled over or what car we are driving.  I just now I am in there, speeding along, loving.