it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: Josh Hamilton's Relapse, cinnamon and sugar coated...

it wasn't supposed to be this way but...: Josh Hamilton's Relapse, cinnamon and sugar coated...: I have been going without sugar and and carbs for a couple weeks now.  It was hard in the beginning but it did get easier. Yesterday, my...

Josh Hamilton's Relapse, cinnamon and sugar coated.

I have been going without sugar and and carbs for a couple weeks now.  It was hard in the beginning but it did get easier.

Yesterday, my after school caretaker came to the house to pick up
Addie.  He brought with him...Cinnamon rolls.  No doubt they were left over from his wife's birthday but they were appreciated.

I went upstairs to finish working and Addie left.

After minutes of work with lots of math, I sat back in my chair and tilted my head back.  I needed a break.  I reached for my phone and started to surf Facebook.

Seriously, before Face book, how did we take breaks from work?

Anyway, I was surfing along and there it was...

"ESPN reports that JOSH HAMILTON relapsed."

I thought I could taste my internal organs coming up through my mouth.

Josh Hamilton, while I have never met him, has the dearest place in my heart.  I feel like his mom.  He is a major league baseball player, from North Carolina and he has a substance abuse problem.  Josh, his book, his life, his addictions, his relapses, his home runs and his parents have been in my thoughts and my prayers since I was introduced to him four years ago.  

I kept reading and googling.

I called Franklin.  He did the same.  He started googling and reading.

And then I did something that I cannot shake.  I got up from desk and went downstairs and started eating Cinnamon Rolls.  I didn't even taste them.  My forbidden fruit.  Sugar, wheat and carbs.  Love them.  And so I just kept eating them.  I was so upset about Josh.  And so I ate another cinnamon roll.

Then I sent a text to my sweet friend who also has an undying affection for Josh.

And then I ate another cinnamon roll.

She text me back and she too started reading and she was upset.

And so I ate another cinnamon roll for her.

I found, in my world wide web search, an article that included comments.

I read each comment.  They were all the same.  "What an idiot, $125 million, he needs to quit baseball, what is his problem, just quit it Josh, darn,just quit.  He needs to be punished and he needs to go."  

Three years ago, I could have written those comments.  Every single one of them.

That admission deserves another cinnamon roll.

And, as I kept reading, there at the bottom was THE comment.  "AA has one huge principal, owning up to your choices and fixing them. Josh has been honest from the beginning.  Yes, he signed a contract saying that he would be drug tested three times a week.  Yes, he accepted 125 million dollars in addition to those drug tests.  But he also faced the truth and went to the commissioners.  He, again, was honest.  He went to them.  He didn't fail a drug test.  He went to them and told them he relapsed.  As the AA principals state, he was honest.  Anyone, who has ever been or closely related to an addict knows that honesty and "owning" it NEVER go hand in hand.  Until today.  In a world where addiction is growing in record numbers, it isn't about a contract.  Nobody would blow a contract or $125 million unless they needed help.  And they were honest up it."

Ok, I paraphrased.  Then this,

"Josh has been my teammate and friend for a long time. There is no way that the baseball commissioners can make Josh feel worse than he feels at this time.  He left his wife, his daughters, his parents and most importantly, himself down.  Josh is better with baseball."

One day, a couple of years ago,  a wrestling coach said to my "button", "you need wrestling more than wrestling needs you."  The same is true with Josh.

And maybe that is why I just ate my weight in cinnamon rolls.  My "button" has "sort of" relapsed too.  I know,  sounds crazy.  Define "sort of relapsed."  I cannot.  He doesn't have a relationship with us and the signs were all there...building....and then the explosion.  A pattern.  Over four years.  The same signs, the same patterns, the same results, the same culprit, alcohol, I guess.  I am not real sure.  

But in "My Moment" of losing it, I chose my drug of choice, sugar and wheat with a sugary icing.  Not quite the same as cocaine or a  12 pack...but the same comfort.  The sugar and wheat don't nag me, expect anything from me or even care about me, but they make me feel better when I need to feel better.

The reality is, we all have an addiction.  Purses and shoes typically do not result in felonies unless you steal them, lasagna is the same, yard sales too, cinnamon rolls as well and even BINGO.  We have all been there.  Pretty sure 125 million wasn't at risk, but we have all done the "thing" we should not have done...knowing the consequences.  Driven drunk, bounced a check,smoked cigarettes (FRANKLIN),  whatever and yet we forget when the opportunity comes to judge another.  

If giving things up that were bad for you was so easy, there would not be Weight Watchers, Gamblers Anonymous, overweight people, cheaters, sex addicts and the list goes on.

Addiction is an illness.  It is everywhere.  It controls and takes over you mind like nothing else.It is so strong, $125 million dollars was NOT motivation enough.  Your passion, was not enough.  And, it started with smoking pot at a gas station.  We think it is good idea to legalize a gateway drug.    Open up your hearts and your minds.  It is everywhere and we need to pay attention to addiction.  It is an illness.  Statistics show that in seven years, 1 out of 3 people will be addicted to an opiate.  Women inmates are on the rise...prescription drugs.  Soccer moms who suffer injuries after car accidents become junkies.  It is an illness.

Perhaps, just perhaps, the MLB will take heed.  While Josh is suspended...it just might be a good idea to speak to people and spread the word and tell the story.  Maybe, he can save one life.

I beat myself up all last night.  In between beating myself up, I kept checking the web to see if there was an update or  "scam alert".  There wasn't.

All of it was true.  Including the seven cinnamon rolls.  

Today was a new day.  

Despite my sadness, for all involved, I realized that others and their addictions had opened up my heart.  Years ago, i would have been a "hater."  I would have thought those negative thoughts.  My heart and my mind was opened.  I have a greater understanding for people who have substance abuse problems.    Today, I am not a hater.  I also noticed that the cinnamon rolls were not good for me.  I had changed my ways but I slipped and recognized this immediately and owned it.

Not really sure what is going to happen to Josh.  Not really sure what is going to happen to "the button."  

I think about his parents.  Every time a Sheriff car drives through our neighborhood I want to puke.  It never goes away.  You never know when and if it will start again.

What I do know is that spring training has just started.  Opening day isn't until April.  And Cinnamon rolls don't change any of the above.