Proctors, Graduations and a test

After seventeen years, I got snagged.  They called and asked me to help proctor the End of Grade testing.  I had no idea what to expect but seriously, how hard could it be?  I said yes.

On the way to the middle school that day, Walker warned me.  "Mom, you cannot play with your phone (WHAT?), you cannot talk, you cannot give the answers and I am warning you now, there will be snot sniffers.  You cannot tell a kid to blow his nose."

"Mom, this is very serious, you could go to jail."

OMG, what had I signed up for and why?

I get into the classroom and assess the situation.  

First of all, it was 100 degrees of the driest heat ever.  I felt like an adobe brick.  I  was not going to make it.  I knew for sure this menopausal body would have a serious hot flash and that would be the end.

There was about 20 minutes before the test actually started and I was able to observe.  I was the kid in the dentist office watching the fish in the fishbowl.


They say "things have changed, kids are not the same, things are different."  I am here to tell you, I really felt like I was 13 again.  There was one girl, physically advanced, long legs and dressed a little provocative for a testing day and she held court.  The guys could not get enough of her.  There was a nerdy girl who sat quietly at her desk and read and occasionally looked up and smiled.  There was a very young looking boy, seriously, he looked seven, who sat at his desk and drew dinosaurs. Shrek,  one giant boy who sat at his desk and only talked about sports.

There was the goddess who was covered up, seriously, one of the prettiest girls ever, just quietly sitting at her desk smiling.  The boys didn't pay much attention to her.  What a shame, gorgeous girl but because her boobies were not hanging out and covered, she was ignored. Those boys are going to look back at her and will be filled with regret.  She was a catch.


Then there was the class clown.  Hilarious.  Skinny, wiry and a hot mess.  Funny though.

 The small, tiny, fairy like girl who also looked like she was seven, except for her boobies.  She was an attention hog and got it.  She was like a Russian gymnast.

  My favorite was the handsome boy with the devilish grin who kept shooting it at me.  I felt like Mrs. Robinson.  He was suave and he knew it.

The script was read, the tests passed out and it began...my three hours of torture.  I sat for three hours and did NOTHING.  Not one thing, nada.

I could not help but think of my "button".  Not because I was at his old school but because I sat there for three hours. Three hours with nothing to do.  I guess that is what summer camp is all about.  I would never make it.

So I watched the test takers.  The "soon to be noticed girl" took her time, crossed off what she knew wasn't the answer.  She had a system.  The tall manly/boy rushed.  He rushed and did not go back and check his answers.  The Don Juan was methodical.  He answered, went back to the reading essay part, re read and then answered.  The little guy who looked like he was seven, was all over the place.  He was a messy test taker.

For three hours I sat there trying to stretch my neck and  read a passage about a tiger on the pretty girl's desk.  It was hell.

The one thing that did seem different to me, were the signs in the room.  "BE POLITE, BE KIND, SPEAK SOFTLY FROM YOUR HEART".  I was taken back by these signs.  I remember signs that said "Please is the Bee's Knees".  "Thank you gets you in the Grove."  It was just shocking to me that those kinds of signs were in the classroom.

And across the room, there was the snot sniffer.  He was not a middle school snot sniffer.  No, he was varsity.  I was about to lose it.  It was horrible. And he wanted a Kleenex, I could not offer.  For three hours this went on.  It was worse than being in  prison for me.  It was the worst.  Seriously, don't people teach their kids to blow their noses anymore?  I felt success because I didn't kill him.

After all the test taking was finished, the kids had to sit in their seats and not talk.  Horrible for them.  But, they started doing sign language. I felt so stupid.  I don't know sign language.  How did they learn it?  I want to know sign language.

I also noticed their clothes.  Seriously, I need stock in NIKE, Under Armor and Rainbows.  

The end of grade tests are over. 

 Today, Adeline graduated from elementary school.  After seventeen years, I will no longer have a child at the elementary school.

Before the program, Franklin and I went back in time.  It did seem like yesterday that the "button" was leaving elementary school and Walker was moving to the "big class" at pre school.  Where has the time gone?

And again, we sat in the gym and there they were, the brains, the jocks, the robotics kids, the boys with bow ties, the clumsy girls who opted for high heels for the first time, babies growing up.

Soon, I will be at the high school.  Ugh.  After Addie's high school graduation, I am going straight to the assisted living home.  I will be about 61.  OMG.  That statement looks much worse when you see it in writing.

After reading the above passage, you can deduct from the author:
a.  The author is old to have a child leaving elementary school.
b.  The author most likely blows their nose when necessary and detests the sound of snot sniffing.
c.  The author is not someone who could take a bus ride across the United States of America with nothing to do.
d. All of the above.