One Year Later

Today is the one year anniversary of my nephew's untimely passing.  

It is also the one year anniversary of my son's return home and the end of summer camp.

My sister-in-law has become my mentor for pillar of strength and wisdom.

My son has continued to  find his path and his direction in life.

I have thought of my sister-in-law all day.  I know what has been going through her mind all day.

My friends are also celebrating their mom's birthday....the first one since she passed.

Ugh.

Why do we have to celebrate these milestones?  Why do we recognize them?

Do I really think that my sister-in-law is thinking more about her son today than yesterday?

And yet I know that she is spending her day thinking only the happiest of memories. 

And while my son breathes, I struggle to find those happy memories.  Don't get me wrong, there are happy memories, sometimes it is just a struggle to find them.  So much has happened, it is hard.

I spoke to my sister in law yesterday and she said, "your son is breathing."  

Don't we all take that for granted?

When you bitch your husband didn't change the roll of toilet paper, there are women out there who wish there husband was still around to infuriate them.  Just a weird twist.

I had hoped that my "button" would be on a path to success.  I am quite sure that he is not on it.  But who am I?  I am not a fortune teller.  He has his whole life to find the path to success but, again, there are the milestones.  According to his graduating class, he should be a senior this year...starting his senior year in college.

He is just on a different schedule than most, I guess.  

I laugh now at the posts of new babies with the one month shot, two month shot, etc.  I feel badly I never did that for my kids.  Pintrest just added a whole new group of milestones to stress out moms.

I think about my son when I see those photos.  If you continued  to take those pictures, at 21, there would 252 pictures to post.  What would this look like if we measured our lives on a monthly basis, forever?

When my great grandmother died at 104, she died on December 27, 1999 and missed two centuries by four days.  My brother and I wanted them to lie on the headstone.  WTH?  You live for 104 years, and miss two centuries by four days...you deserve the white lie on your headstone.  When people were hanging out at the cemetery, I wanted the observant folks to really celebrate..."Damn, this lady made it to two centuries" instead of "she died."  It would have been so much better.  A much better milestone.

Shouldn't we list the days alive and the greatest moments on a headstone?  Isn't that more telling?

Instead, I sit today with a very soft heart.  I have a sad and out of shape heart.  I hurt for my sister-in-law, I hurt for my son that I barely even know anymore and I hurt for my niece.  One year, or 365 days of hurt and sorrow.  

Tomorrow starts a new journey, the year of Happiness. I am not sure how I am going to do it, but I have a compass.  My heart, my gut and my brain and I am going to get there.  

See you in a year.  We will celebrate.