Oooops, it came and went unnoticed

December 16, 1997, I fulfilled a life time dream. 

I became a mom.

He was blond, blue eyed, spoke like a southern boy and he stole my heart.  He was four.  He called me mom and all was right in my heart.

I will ALWAYS remember that day and the joy in my heart.  The hopes and the dreams.
The judge said yes, you can take him home.

We had nothing for him.  His room was painted pink at the time.
I remember being in Wal-mart buying a booster seat telling him that we were so excited that he was coming to live with us.

He asked about his room and we told him it was pink.

He asked, "if you were so excited about me coming, why did you paint my room pink?"  Hello, foreshadowing.

He had nothing but an ELMO backpack and an outfit.

We stopped at Olive Garden on the way home to celebrate.  They served him cake on a little plate.  Ok. We stole the plate. It was his first entry into his baby book.

The next day, I left to find a school/day care.  I left the "button" a list of chores and he and Franklin stood in the garage as I backed out.  I told Franklin, "if those chores are not done, you Franklin are going into time out."

The "button" cracked up.

And our love began.

He was so attached we couldn't even teach him to ride a bike.  He couldn't stand it if we were behind him.  I couldn't leave him with a sitter. 

Shortly after that, I had to travel over night for work.  The "button"  was a mess even though I explained it was just over night and I would pick him up from school.

When I showed up the next day to pick him from school, he was in the class, back to me and the teacher said, "Button, she is here."

He turned around and said, "I knew you would be the one to come back."

December 16 was a day I celebrated every year, quietly.  I would give the kids their snow globes that day, all of them...just because.  It was the day I became a mom.  It was the "button's" birthday/conception day all in one.

The last two years, while he was in summer camp, I still gave the kids snow globes.  I celebrated in my heart.

The day I became a mom, that  day standing mani/pedi dates, personal trainers, airline tickets, birthdays in Paris, ski trips, Ann Taylor and Talbotts  all went out the window. 

The day I learned what it was to love beyond measure and appreciate finger prints, skinned knees and boys and the obsession with fart (I hate that word) noises.  It changed my life.

Last year, I was so looking forward to this year.  If I had read the calendar correctly, I thought I would be going to pick him up from his first semester in college.  I would have the house looking like Martha Stewart lived there.  His favorite part was always the garland up the steps.  It would be awesome.  And there would be lights on the house.  I was even going to cave and allow colored lights on the outside of my house. 

Hmmm....expectations will kick your ass clear into your heart.

The truth was, the day came and went.  I never noticed.  I had given the kids snow globes earlier.  I missed the day.  I missed my own little celebration of something so significant.

I don't even know where the "the button" is...the kid who crawled into the fetal position when I left him...I have no idea where he is.

I have no idea where my son is.  I type the letters and shake my head. 

But, it is not what you think.

Yes, I could go get in the car and search for him but why do you want to find someone who doesn't want to be found?

The reality is this, my dear friend, "t" introduced me to a fabulous group of women.  I don't know their real names or will never see them but I read their stories and read their pain and their successes and their dashed expectations.  The women of the naranon forum.

Those expectations were mine.  I hit myself in the heart. 

Substance abusers need to do research.  They need to do it on their own, detach from those who love them, to show they can do without love, they have drugs until they need love in place of drugs. 

Honestly, I don't even know 100% if it is the drugs but I do know and have lived through the pattern.  So, if I were to bet and listen to my gut, I would go with booze and dope.   I would bet that booze and dope are the two reasons that I do not know where my son is...they have accompanied him in the past when there is this pattern of behavior. 

The funny thing about booze and dope...they don't nag, they don't make suggestions, hassle you, or make you be punctual.  Booze and dope don't know dates and times, are always there, always comforting, they do not nag and they don't have ANY expectations.

When I realized the date, I shrugged it off.  And then I said, "Hey girl, now just you wait a minute, you didn't meltdown, you didn't pick up the phone and call Franklin, or go eat chocolate...you went to the naranon forum and read.  And then I celebrated.  I am no longer addicted to my son's addiction. 

We have detached with love.  Detaching does not mean that you are hurt or angry or desperate.  It means you love a person enough to let them go on their own journey, regardless of what you think, and experience what they need to experience, on their time frame so that they someday can walk forward.

It is liberating.  Detaching is liberation.  It still means love and if you have a warm body, you still have hope. 

I am not stating that I don't have angst, but, the angst is wrapped in love.

So, today is the 18th.  I am slammed at work.  I am going to leave a little early.  I am going to cook dinner and celebrate the fact the "button" made me a mom, the best job ever.