Oh Christmas Tree

No, I have not been posting very much.  Not writer's block, just a symptom of heartache. And the feeling of "blah" and just going through the motions.


On Friday night, we spent the evening with some "forever" friends.  You know the kind, you have known them for what seems "forever" and although you don't see them often, when you do, it seems like yesterday. 

Around the table we sat, fifty conversations going on at once, kids (which is soooo funny to me because there were not any for many years) running all over the place and everyone was having  just a plain good time.

And then the big question came out, "How is the button?"

And the big response came, "We don't know.   He is alive and is not in summer camp, he is not in school and he is not wrestling.  That is all we know."

Pregnant pauses.  Sighs.  Stares.

There, my big confession.

I have zero idea of the whereabouts of our oldest child.

And, I am okay with this.

My dear friend turned me onto a forum that is Narcotics/Alcoholics Anonymous Based.  Fabulous.  These women I don't even know have saved my life and my spirit.  "If you take your troubles to the market, chances are you leave with your own bag."  If you really want to appreciate what you have and your life and family, go on this forum.  It is hard to read sometimes and many times you just cry your eyes out.  There is so much pain and heartache on this cyber page that it is hard to imagine, unless you are one of the women.  And then, you get it.

I have learned  wonders in two short weeks.  I also learned that four days after I joined, my dear, sweet friend was a new member of the "Club".  Her son died of an overdose. His Memorial was Saturday.

So, I have had two things on my mind, the whereabouts of my son and the whereabouts of my friend's son.  Kind of big.

My "forever" friends said, "You need to blog more."

Response, "sometimes it is just too heartbreaking."

One of my "forever" friends said, "It is obvious when things aren't gong well, you post random things."

Discovered. Found out.  That is all I can say.  She figured me out.

So, after the forever friend visit, Saturday I had errands to run.

When Walker said he would go with me, I instantly got in a better mood. 

In our family, the Christmas tree was ALWAYS picked out by the "button".  We might go together, but he got the final vote.  His vote was really the vote that counted.  He made me get colored lights (killed me) and get rid of the bows and garland.  The things we do for kids.
He made us have a "kid" tree.  No "themed" tree, a kid tree.

After a trip to Dunkin Donuts, (he scams me into that visit every time he says he will go with me) we drive by a locally run Christmas tree stand.  Walker comments that he saw "the prefect tree there."

"Ok, on the way back." I honestly didn't plan on stopping, we were going to do this as a family. 

But....as were approaching....he said pull over.

And we did indeed stop. The tree he had seen was gone but we milled about and saw an even better tree.  The prettiest tree ever.  And I was afraid to ask the lady how much.  I am cheap when it comes to Christmas trees.  $250 for a tree you are going to throw into a burn pile is just crazy to me and this was sooooo a $250 tree.

"How much?"

"Ah, $50".

"sold."

And then, I asked her much the homemade wooden star was...$10.  Ten dollars makes you holler.  Love the star.

So we start a conversation. 

She and her husband are about to lose their home.  She told the bank, "give me 30 days."

"You see, I lost my only child in January, and I have just been laying on the couch for months crying and wallowing in self pity and we just decided that we have things to live for and we were going to feel her spirit in our hearts and change our lives."

"We decided to sell trees to save our homes."

I grabbed her hand hugged her and we both had tears in our eyes.

She told me, "tell everyone you know."  "We are all going to have a Merry Christmas."

Walker and I jumped in the car with our wooden star and left our tree there with a big sold sign on it.  Just call us Santa's elves with a driver's license.

 I know, that when Walker is 80, he will always remember the magic of this year's tree. There was such a smile on his face.  And, he held my hand on the way home. 

"I feel good about myself that we helped her out MOM." 

We got home, told Franklin he had to go get our tree and get it home and we had to get on Facebook and text our friends because we were on a mission to help this woman.

Franklin and the kids came back minutes later with this tree on the roof of the car.

Seriously,it is the biggest tree ever and is way too big for our house but we put it up.  And we love it and we keep looking at is and saying "this is the prettiest tree we have ever seen."

Sunday we attended church.  Just as Frank and I were empty inside, the sermon was about HOPE.  Seriously, the Preacher knew we were coming.

Franklin shook his head about 100 times during that sermon.

While Addie and I were decorating the tree yesterday,  I noticed that she had put "the button's" ornaments to the side.

I didn't say anything. 

She gathered up a few of her favorites for the tree in her room.  I pointed to the "button's" pile and she said,  "let's go ahead and put them up."  So I did.  "He should have his on THIS tree," she said.

And behind the colored lights and the handmade ornaments, the trunk of this tree is filled with Hope.  Hope for the lady and her daughter who sold us the tree, our family and my friend's  family.