My gut and the entry I never wanted to write

Years ago, in a marriage counseling session when I was married to Lucifer, Miss Elizabeth asked me, "how intuitive are you?'

I burst out laughing.  There is not a scientific bone in my body and yes, I realize that I might want to rethink this condition.

I live with my "gut".  I had a boss once who always said, "go with your gut at all times, it has been with you the longest."

So, I go with my gut.

Lately, I felt like my gut was the red dot on the weather channel before a hurricane.  Let's call this hurricane " the button."

I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew something, not sure what, wasn't right.

And I knew this named storm was going to turn into a Hurricane.

It did. 

Now, for the record, there are no arrests, no bail bondsmen needed, no trips to summer camp, yet. 

Without going into all the details, I have "other parent envy."

I was an achiever, all my life, and a rule follower.  I did the right thing, 99% of the time.  There was a tree I chopped down in a drunken stupor at WVU  and a few other isolated incidents but for the most part, I was and still am, a "good girl".

While I wasn't foolish enough to think that my spirited personality wasn't going to be passed down to my  kids, I did raise them to be rule followers, funny, independent thinkers and passionate about life.  I just thought that I would  get those "moments" that most parents get...prom pictures, graduation parties, visits to parent's day, the anticipation of the student coming home totally tired, poor and bags of dirty laundry at the holidays.  I wanted to fill plastic containers with leftovers and buy groceries with fun little snacks and even send off a little pre-lit tree.  I wanted normal. 

I wanted a "almost starting to act like an adult but still can be a kid and a jerk all at the same time" relationship with me oldest.  I wanted to help out when necessary and sit back and watch the rest of the time.  I wanted to see him fail to succeed and succeed without failing. 

I wanted a damn college sticker for the back of my car.  I know the marathon sticker is  not going to happen but I wanted a college sticker. Ok, I will admit it.  I wanted to be proud and encouraged and moving forward and following the normal path that so many others had done before me.  And even if a sticker wasn't involved, I just wanted my child to be happy and moving forward and "getting there." 

I guess I just wanted a facebook status that was like the hundreds of others, proud mamma's bragging on their kids and pictures of them together.

I am pretty sure it is not going to happen.  My gut is just screaming at my brain.  It is not indigestion.  It is intuition.

Again, without going into all the details, while the "button" is still at school, I have no idea what the future holds.  Or what he doing, or how he is doing or if he is doing.

But the one thing I do know, there is a pattern, just like a named storm turning into a hurricane and I think I need to go buy bread, stock up on water and get my affairs in order.

It is coming.

I am at peace though.  So are my other children.  And so is Franklin. 
While we are not sure of the outcome, hell I don't even know what the present day situation is, there is one thing I am sure.  It is out of my hands. 


It takes years to get there.  And it has taken me awhile to realize that mental illness is sometimes masked as substance abuse.  There is a difference but they love to partner.

And I am glad.  I am tired.  I still have hope but it is the size of a vest for a hummingbird.  I will always go with hope but I am not banking on hope.

I am not mad or sad or angry, I am just done.  I feel like my Halloween decorations.  They were out, displayed and now packed away until next year.  Done.  Over, moving one.  Next.

My friend sent me a message yesterday that stayed in my heart all day. That and my morning prayer.  "Look, I know you are busy with everything in the Philippines right now, but I need a sign so I can get some peace.  Please God."  He answered.  Wow.

The sign at first sent me into an emotional tail spin that shocked me.  But, the four of us found peace.  It is up to him and up to HIM.


Again, I am out of the fortune telling business but I am pretty certain that I won't be getting a dirty bag of laundry or setting a place at the Thanksgiving day table.My gut tells me this.  I wanted to set that extra place so much.  The "button" hasn't been at a holiday table in three years.  I wanted him here. 

My gut knows the above is true.  And my gut knows that on Thanksgiving it will be full and my heart will be empty.