A year ago

I got a speeding ticket.  Bizarre because I am such a slow driver.  But, I got a speeding ticket.

I had to go to  a court house today in another county.  I wasn't familiar with this court house and I parked about six blocks away and I took a walk in the fall sunshine to the courthouse.

When I got out of the courthouse, I walked in front of the new county summer camp.  Apparently, Wednesday at 3pm is the universal time and day for visitations.

I did NOT realize at first that I was walking through the crowd of moms and grand mothers and fathers coming out of or going into the dreaded visitation day. 

I walked by and then just stood there.  I listened.  Moms and grandmas crying, dads being all tough and rough and friends just shaking their heads. 

And then I heard it ..."he shouldn't be here, he is a good person."

And that mom was a mess. 

A year ago I was that mom. 

I thought about that lady the rest of the afternoon. 

I got behind a summer camp transfer vehicle on my way home.  Somebody was either going to or had just been dropped off to their new home.  Ugh.  Somebody's kid was in ther.  Glad it wasn't mine.

In a year, two young men from my family have been buried.  My "button" has gone and come home, got a job, left for college, and my kids have entered another grade.

My heart has gotten softer. It has also gotten bigger.  I have learned to look at the "other" side.

Since late August when the "button" got to school, he has struggled.  It has been hard for him and he has made it hard for himself.  But he hasn't given up or quit.  He has hung in there.

Just when I want to scream, I regroup.

A couple of weeks ago, the church sermon was about all of us being blessings.  Life is a blessing.

I read back at some of the blog entries today.  Some of them seemed like yesterday, others seemed like years ago.  I was an emotional thermometer, one day up the next day down.

Our lives were like that too. 

Good and bad, up and down, good decisions then bad decisions, I know what i should do and I don;'t know what to do.

What will the future hold?  How much more can I hold?  He hold?  Franklin hold?

I thought about that random lady who I didn't know at all but felt like I knew well.  I felt her pain.  I felt her love and fear. 

I wanted to grab her and tell her that amazing things could happen in 365 days. 

But I didn't.  I knew she wouldn't believe it anyway.  She was still processing.

I got in my car and rolled the window down. 

Three hundred sixty five days ago I was best friends on Wednesdays with a woman called Crystal Meth Bev.  Today I was mailing my "button" a Halloween card to his college apartment.