The Drop off

Thursday, after Addie's open house, we were Jamestown or bust.  Me and the three kids.

First stop, Southern Maryland so I could drop the younger two at my brother's.

First off all, what is very significant about this trip, is how far I have come. I let the "button" drive the ENTIRE way and I only said, "slow down", "break up with the gas pedal" or "make the brake your friend" about 150 times, EACH.  I also did not take any type of sedative.  If offered, I would have considered.

Anyway, after one sleep in Maryland, the "button" and I were on our way.  A gas stop where I met my bff who  "hooked a guy up" and we continued north.

Originally, I was going to take the other two kids with me.  I wanted them to "see it to believe it" and to quite frankly, "start the process now."  But, my kids feel like my brother's house is the redneck version of Disney World so I wanted them to have a last hurrah before school started.  I am glad I changed my mind.

It was just the two of us.  Driving north. 

Years ago, when I still lived in Pennsylvania, I spend massive amounts of time traveling through the state of Pennsylvania.  Later, I worked for Coca Cola and still traveled all through the state of Pennsylvania and parts of New York.  As we drove by exits and towns that I had visited or traveled, it was so weird, everything was coming full circle.  I felt like Kevin Beacon was my cousin. 

And there were chats.  Chats about the past, chats about the future, what to do, what not to do, what girls hate, what girls like...oh, and girls REALLY hate when you refer to them as "dudes".  There was they "if I would have gone with my gut this would have happened and then this wouldn't have happened" chat.  If its and buts were candy and nuts, we would all have a Merry Christmas.  There was use your advisor and the story of my HUGE crush on my Advisor, Frank Kearns.

And there were jitters.  "What if I don't make it, what if I get lost,  what if I don't wrestle well, what if I flunk out, what if the world comes to an end...."  All the what ifs.

We crossed into New York and the panic set in.  It was all right there on that suntanned face of his.  Jamestown, this exit.

While the excitement level was at an all time high, so was the anxiety.  And so was the curiosity.

We "blind dated" college. 

We pulled into Jamestown.  Lucille Ball is from Jamestown, New York.  If you didn't know that, you figure it out in about sixty seconds.  I Love Lucy is everywhere and done well, right under the cobblestones, the Victorian mansions, the brick houses and hills, right down from Lake Chautauqua.  Lovely, Lovely, Lovely.  A Disney movie setting.

We found the campus and got out.  What we didn't realize is what we saw was the back of all the buildings, you need to go into the circle to get the full effect and feel inside. 

Well done.  Clean, new, crisp and friendly.  Wow, pleasantly surprised.  The gym was incredible and the student union had a coffee bar, gaming room, a cafeteria with bistro tables, and a lovely lounge.

We stumbled into the housing director and she took us up to the his residence.  Apartments on a hill, walking distance from the campus.  These were like apartments and NOT like and dorm or apartment that I ever lived.

A dinner, the standard trip to Wally World and we were in bed.

I woke up bright and early on Saturday.  I asked, "how did you sleep?"

"Not well, it is like Christmas Eve.  I am too excited mom."

And we were off.  Amongst the other kids, he looked as scared and nervous as they did.  His eyes were big and wondering.  I asked him, "are you okay?"

"No mom, I am overwhelmed."

"Eat the elephant one bite at a time."

"I don't know where the elephant is."

I have so been there.

We got all the stuff done and it was move in time.

The wrestling coach arrived to meet him and I just unpacked Walmart bags.  I put dinner in the oven for him and the suite mates and I said, "I have just done the last maternal thing for you that I am going to do for awhile."

And he walked me to the car.  I had a bounce in my step. 

Of course he hugged me.

And I said, "this is where the bird leaves the nest.  There, I pushed you out.  Go forth, conquer, learn, succeed, fail and grow.  I love you.  You are worthy of this opportunity now go and live your life."

He grinned and thanked me again.  And off he went.

Yes, I cried, a little, not the sobbing that some of the moms were doing. 

And trust me, I didn't cry because I was leaving and he was staying.  I cried because it was that moment, regardless of the size of your child, it is that moment, where things as they are, will never be the same.  And I have been there before, only this time it was a positive.  And because it took a village  to get him here.  Lots of love went into this drop off from many people.    And hope. 

Any parent who has dropped off a kid, knows the love, the sacrifice and the anxiety and the excitment. 

Look, I don't think for a minute that this package is wrapped and delivered.  I asked for a semester.  Just one.  Try it. Failure is in not trying.  Try it for one semester.  He did.

Small steps.  Small steps going forward.  Small steps going forward will certainly yield greater steps than small steps going backward.

I drove off.  I didn't unpack his suitcase, just the Wal-Mart stuff.  I drove off.  I didn't listen to the radio, talk on the phone nothing for about 200 hundred miles.  My mind and heart were all over the place.  Not like the crazy worry all over the place, it was more like, "peace."  Where we went and how we got to today.

Just heartfelt peace.  I would not accept that I had a kid in summer camp.  And now I had a kid in college.  And when I say I, I mean us.  Franklin too. 

And every text that I have gotten since said those magic words, "thanks mom,  love you."
Worth the price of admission every time.  To any mom.