The club

My husband is in the bedroom packing his bags.  My niece and nephew are doing the same.  My sister-in-law is most likely sitting, staring into space as she ponders her new life.  Her new life without her only child.

My nephew died on Friday.  He was in his twenties. 

Family members, his girlfriend and his friends are mourning and grieving.

The substance abuse culprits  are celebrating.  They stole another young person's life.

I have been so clouded the past few days.  I have also been swallowing survivor guilt.  I truly believed that I would be the one making the phone calls and the arrangements, not the one receiving them.

My sister-in-law and her husband now belong to the club, "the club of parents who have buried a child."

I saw former first lady Barbara Bush on a talk show years ago.  Her deceased daughter was mentioned.  She said that when this happens to you, regardless of the time that has past, it still seems like yesterday and your heart and your mind can go there in seconds.  And when you meet total strangers, from places far away, and you discover that they too have lost a child, you are immediately bonded.  She said it is a special club and only it's members understand what it is like to belong.

I will always remember her speaking about this.  And this is one club that nobody ever wants to join, ever.

Walker and I took the grandmother to the airport.  If I live to be 100, I will never forget her pain and anguish. EVER.  She just kept saying, "it wasn't supposed to be like this."

And it wasn't. 

I have peace in my heart.  I told the mother yesterday that I know she will make a difference.  I know that she will end up on Capitol Hill.  I know she will sit on a couch beside Matt Lauer and beg people to wake up and stop the madness.  I know that she will be a voice and save just one mother and that mother's child. K will stop the anguish and despair that she now has forever in her heart.  K. has that strength.  Her new life and her new calling will make a difference.  And look out Washington Dc, you are not ready for this one.

And the death of her son will save the lives's of others, I know it.  And that is a great gift.  To save others and make a difference.

Her heart is broken.  It was her only child.  Her love was not enough to conquer  the substance abuse demons.

All of this is just so sad.  And so unnecessary.  We have states fighting to legalize marijuana, a gateway drug.  I just wish the people that have died because they too started with marijuana got as much attention as the drug gets.  The benefits of being high will never compare to the grief that substance abuse have caused.

I am not the mother who just was inducted into the "club". But I sit here on  my porch with a whole in my heart and a numbness in my body that is hard to describe.  When I decided the name of my blog, it just seemed to sum up my life at the time.  Never, did I ever think that a grieving grandmother would look at me with crocodile tears in her eyes and say, "it is wasn't supposed to be like this."  Ever.

Hug your kids and pray for heart's at peace and pray for those in the "club".