Acceptance

One of the definitions of the word acceptance is "a belief in something, an agreement."

I have never really thought about the word much, the meaning.  None of it.   But I have believed in things, many things.

And I have believed in things even when they were telling me not to.

Such is the case of my son, my family and my son's future.

I just kept believing.  Maybe it was because I didn't know what else to do.  But I still would not accept that this was "his" life or our lives.  No way.  I could just not accept that this was his life.  And I will not.  EVER.  And, I also believed in the button.  And I beleived in his seeds of greatness.

In December, I surfed the web.  No directions, just googling and browsing.  Passing time.

I found a school.  A small school far away.  A small school, far away with a wrestling program.

I clicked on it.  I entered some info and moved on.

Something told me to do it.  That little voice in my gut that guides me so often.  That little voice said "click it".  My little voice said, "now let it be."

Two days later my phone rang.  It was the wrestling coach from the little school far away.  He had taught in our state and knew the button.  He couldn't believe that the button's name was on the sheet.  "Can I talk to him.?"

Well,  you cannot hide a missing person.  And so the truth began to flow. 

You can imagine my shock when he told me that he too had been a "button."

Truly, as I stood outside in the December night, speaking to this coach, looking at the Christmas lights, this call was a Christmas miracle.  But, it was just a phone call.  And the process began.

The "button" has been accepted to a college.  Wow. 

And there is a ton of WOW in that word. 

Yes, he is still in summer camp.  And yes, there is so much that needs to happen in a short amount of time.  And yes, there is hope for a future.  And none of this would have been possible if the button himself had accepted that this was his life.  He too, despite his actions, could not accept that is whereh is life had ended.

He told us several times, "I just want to make your proud and I want to do this, not because it is an option to summer camp but because I WANT to do this.  I cannot accept and will not accept that this will be our path."

Yesterday, I said, "your story is not written."

He said, "let's hope the second half goes better than the first and that we are starting a new chapter."

And yes, there is a belief in something positive.  And, there is still reserved belief in my son. He can do this if he accepts the oppurtunity.  And there is a new acceptance in my healing heart. 

And yes, I am fully aware that taking him to a state far away and letting him fend for himself may very well be a crazy idea.  So was Silly Puddy. 

I saw CMB today.  She is still straight .She is clean, like soap and water, wearing a bra and fixed her hair clean.  She was dressed up.  I asked her, she weighs 68 pounds.  She gained five in the last month.We road the elevator together and she was so happy.   She has a belief in something, her sobriety.  She has acceptance that if she quits drinking, her life will turn around.

The "button'  has acceptance.  And so do I.  So does my husband. 

Accept a belief in something good.