if at first you don't succeed, try, try again

Late Monday evening, Franklin and I were awakened by something on the front porch.  We sprang from our beds to see what was the matter and I don't know why.  We knew it wasn't Santa or the reindeer but we sprang nonetheless.  The only thing missing was that stocking cap on Franklin's head.

There, on the porch was the "button".  Typically, the "button" is neat as a pin, clean, immaculate.  Wow, not Monday night.  Whew.  He looked rough.

If you are a parent, sometimes you look at your child and wonder, "when did he or she grow up?"  Well, let me tell you, I looked at him on Monday night around 11:58 pm and wondered, "how does this grown man look sooooo much like a baby?" I still do not know where he was, but I can assure you, his weekend sucked the life out of him.

No, we didn't let him in.  Instead we said, "why and what are you doing here?"

His answer, "I have outpatient in the morning and I need to go."

Our response, "we will always help you do something positive and productive BUT if you want to come back into this home, sleep in your bed, shower, use soap, put on clean clothes, use the toilet and become a productive member of this family, you must agree to one thing."

His eyes raised, "another rehab program" was our answer.

He said, "yes, I need help."

Well, the one thing the "button" under estimated was the speed in which a tired, pissed off, spent, exasperated, depressed and desperate mother can move.

The "button" entered a new rehab facility this morning.

Let me tell you, the difference between this one and the other one was astounding.  I waited for Dr. Drew and some hard looking dried up porn star to come around the corner any minute and it didn't happen.  Seriously, even I was assessed.  I was even waiting for them to ask me for a pap smear.  It was intense.

I was given a questionnaire to fill out.  For the first time in two years, I got to vent to someone who just might be able to help and it was worth the tank of gas to fill it out.

And, he asked me if he could read my answers.  I flung that clip board at him like a major league pitcher.  He was stunned.  I also think he was stunned that I was so honest.  If I didn't know, I said I didn't know even if that wasn't an option.  He was also astounded that I wrote 17 check marks on the question, "does your life fill like it is spinning out of control while you try and keep his or hers in control?"  That was a seventeen check mark answer.  You have no idea how liberating it was to mark each one of those checks.

This time I didn't supply calling cards, stamps, stationary, nothing.



After four hours of admitting, he was in and I was out.

My brain was mush, my heart soft as I drove away. 

Before we can visit, the entire family has to go to a class.   I am looking forward to the class. 

I am looking forward to learning.  I am looking forward to being hopeful.  I am looking forward to understanding as much as I can about his struggles.

It took me years to get factoring in algebra, not sure I still get it, more than one try to ride a bike, several falls to learn to ski and a failed marriage to get one right. 

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again, especially if it is something as important as your kid.