"button, button, who has the button?"

For two years, I have dreaded weekends.  I used to SO look forward to the weekends.   Weekends are to teenagers like crack houses are to crack heads. 

This past week with the "button" had its highs and its lows.  Great moments followed by not so great moments.  But, the "button" was here trying and doing.

Saturday night the "button" called me from work and has not been heard from since.  He agreed to be home by eight to spend a family evening with us and his grandparents.

The mother network has reported sightings.  He was more than likely drunk.  He was with his "friend" who does not bring out the best in him.

I have no idea where he is, if he is alive, when he will return, nothing.  After 35 days in summer camp, 45 days at the Land of Oz, 90 days  sober, we have been smacked in the face again with a 2 X 4. 

Most likely he will show up today at his job, who knows if he will be fired or not.

Most likely he will show up at home today.  Typically, his pockets would be filled with excuses.  Today, he will not have the chance to explain.  His "exit" plan is in effect.  We are officially "letting him go".  I think in Tough Love terms that means we are kicking his ass out.

We are drained emotionally, financially and physically.  The last two years, our days began and ended with the "button".  No more, I have to get myself back.  I have two small children who are doing the right things.  Time for them to be rewarded for their behavior.

My husband and I need to reconnect.  Couples with "troubled" children fight.  I do not want to fight with my husband.  I have no fight left.  I want to live and laugh.

Criticize if you want.  I am moving on.  I cannot make or want for my child if they don't want or care.  You cannot make the morbidly obese person in the scooter at the mall give up the Dippin Dots if they don't want too...that is where I am.

I have been there for my family.  I will take some responsibility and admit that I did too much, too often for too long for the "button".  He was my prince, my only child.  I have two other children now who are tired of driving around an island looking for him and also wondering where he is and when and if he would come home.

My heart is so broken and devastated for him.  Life is hard if you are doing it right.  His just got tons harder.  The results, short of some huge miracle, will be less than spectacular.  I never have cared what my children chose to be in their adult lives, just that they were happy and that their lives were all that they wanted.

And yes, let's be honest, I am broken hearted for me.  One of the reasons we chose to raise him was so he could have a better life and be more and have more than he would have had with his biological parents.  Turns out, the results were the same.  Sure, I feel a sense of failure.  Okay, not a sense, a wheel barrel full.  But, in time, I will feel acceptance and this too will leave.

And so my day begins, and while I go about my life, I cannot help but wonder, "button, button, where is the button?"